Thursday, August 25, 2016


Surely it can't be wrong to
Want something you've never had
But have been surrounded by
All your life
When the people around you
Found that something
That someone in life
Surely I'm not being inexcusably selfish
When I demand some of it for myself
Just so I can know what it feels like
To be loved

Wednesday, August 24, 2016

Sometimes I picture you
Reading a poem
Coming across a line
That is so obviously for you
And I picture you smiling
Knowing that regardless of what happened
Between us
You will always find your way into
Whatever I write


A word that appeared in definition after definition
Of offenses and crimes
Intent to kill or cause grievous bodily harm
Intent to take what is not theirs
In that A/L law class
That taught me that before finding a man guilty
You must look at the entire picture
And it is intention that differentiates
Kriyawa from karmaya
One is an act, something that happens
The sun rising and setting daily
The other is tied to intention
The killing of animal
The slapping of face
And so
Intention is key
And so I want to know
What yours is when you
Come back to me
Again and again
To insult and hurt
Bruising me again and again
But hiding beneath
Unknown names
Masks and disguises
So I would never know
Who you really are
But tell me
Because I need to know
In what way I wronged you
What my intention was when I did
Whatever it is I did
To earn your anger and hatred
And please
Release me of this crime
For I've served my sentence, surely
Or will I be punished for my crime
Again and again
Until I am no longer human?

Thursday, August 18, 2016

Hold my hand and worry not
I will keep you safe, you said
And then not even a year later
Like countless others, you were dead

Wednesday, August 17, 2016

Punching bag

Punch #1
Why do you always disappear
Right when I start loving you
And then return
Right when I start forgetting you?

Punch #2
It isn’t happiness that I look for
But the absence of unhappiness

Punch #3
I feel like I have been shut out of your world
But you make it seem like I shut you out of mine
Regardless of who made the first move
We moved on too soon

Punch #4
Of course
It’ll be much easier to erase
All traces of you
But you come to me
In the least expected moments
In the most surprising ways
For instance
Just this morning
I found a note from you
Tucked between a half-read book
Reminding me of you
Reminding me of us

Punch #5
Sometimes all I want to do is
Disappear with the snap of fingers
But my coarse, lined skin
Has been rubbed raw
And with each snap
All I get is more

In his eyes

There’s a certain sadness in his eyes
That comes and goes
Like flashes of lightning
That cut through the darkness
Of skies
His eyes
And by the uncaring soul
They go unnoticed
And the people around him
Don’t care
Because we are blind to those subtle hints
Of sadness, unhappiness
We don’t see another’s struggle
Until the moment they end the fight
And then we mourn the loss
Of yet another beautiful boy
With a certain sadness in his eyes

Tuesday, August 16, 2016


For some
It is the time between today and tomorrow
When the clock stops ticking
The world stops turning
And their thoughts slow down

For some
It is right before dawn arrives
And the world is shaken awake
By chirping birds and blinding sunrise
That words finally pour out of them

For some
It is while waiting for their food to arrive
At the table only they occupy
And on a folded serviette they write
Words they cannot hold in anymore

For some
It is when a stranger sits next to them
In a bus headed home
And they are tired after a day’s work
But a familiar voice or scent
Takes them back to the time
They so frequently write about

For some
There is no time for the writing of words
Not between one day and another
Not at 3am when it’s so quiet, so still
Not while waiting for someone
And not when surrounded by strangers

For some
It’s not words they write in notebooks
Or crumpled paper
Or serviettes
That set them free
But it is in the words of others that
They find solace

Monday, August 15, 2016

දායක සභාව

හවස පහමාර වෙද්දී
උපාසක අම්මා
සුදු ඇඳුමෙන් සැරසී
පන්සල් ගෙන යන
මල් තෙල් තිර ආදිය
ලෑස්ති කර
බලා සිටී ඇගේ දුව
ගෙදර එන තුරු
ඇයට සැදූ තේ එක
ඇගේ අතට දී
තම මුණුබුරුගේ අතින් අල්ලාගෙන
ඇය පන්සලට යයි සැමදා

රන්වන් වැලි කැට
ඇගේ පතුලට හීන් වේදනාවක්ද
සිතට සැනසීමක්ද ගෙන දෙයි
ඈ පන්සල් යන වෙලාවේ
වෙන කවුරුත් පන්සලේ නොසිටියි
හාමුදුරු නමකට වදින්නට
පුලුවන් වන්නේද ඉතා අහම්බෙනි

මල් පහන් පුජා කිරීමට පෙර
ඇය මළුව අතුගා
මල් ආසන පිහිදා
බිම දමා ගොස් ඇති
හිස් හඳුන් කූරු පෙට්ටි
පරවුණු වැටුණු මල්
හිස් තෙල් බෝතල්
කුණු සඳහා වෙන් කර ඇති
බාල්දියට දාන්නේ
ඇගේ මුණුබුරා බෝධිය වටා ඇති
බෝ කොල අහුලන අතරය
ඉන්පසු තෙල් තිර හඳුන්කූරු මල්
පුජා කර
ඇය නැවත ගෙදර බලා
පිටත් වී යයි කලුවර වෙන්න කලින්

පෝය දාට, පිංකම් ඇති දාට ඈ
සිය මුණුබුරාද
සමරදාට දියණියද සමග
පන්සල් ගියත්
එවැනි දාට
මළුව අතුගාන්නට
මල් ආසන පිරිසිදු කිරීමට
තවත් බොහෝ දෙනා සිටී
එවිට ඔවුන් සෙනඟ අඩු තැනක් සොයා
පරණ පත්තර පිටු බිම තියා
ඉඳගෙන බණ අසයි
ගාථා කියයි
භාවනා කරයි
සමහරක් දාට ගාථා බණ වලට වඩා
හාමුදුරුවන් කතා කරන්නේ
දායක සභාව ගැනයි
ඔවුන්ගේ නම් ඒ දිග ලැයිස්තුවට
එකතුවෙන්නේ නෑ
ඒ ඔවුන් පිං කැටේට දාන
කාසිය ඇරෙන්න
දාගැබට තීන්ත ගාන්න හෝ
පන්සලේ හැමතැනකටම කොඩි සැරසැලි වලට හෝ
ලොකු දාන මාන හෝ දීමට ඉදිරිපත් නොවෙන නිසාය
එවැනි පිනක් කිරීමට සල්ලි කොහෙන්ද
ඒ දුප්පත් උපාසක අම්මාට

ඉතින් ඈ පිලිතුරක් නොදී
නිශ්ශබ්දව සිටී
පොඩි මුණුබුරා අසන විට
"ඇයි අත්තම්මේ
අපේ නම් නොකියන්නේ?"

Saturday, August 13, 2016


We've lost it, haven't we
What held us together
Had us clinging to each other
Like glue that holds
One to another
And so like turpentine-soaked sponge
Wiping metal clean of paint
Something tore us apart
You, with a shine and gleam
Me, grimy water thrown away

Sunday, August 7, 2016


The clock kept ticking
Reminding me that I was awake
At a time when even the
Insomniacs were finally drifting off
And it was so silent that
Each toss
Each turn
In bed felt like I was making too much noise
And would wake my mother up
Sleeping in the other bed
And she would worry about why
I was still awake
Offer to make me something to
Eat or drink
And then drift off to sleep
But it was too late in the night
For her to wake up
No matter how much noise I made
And yet, I was careful
I didn't want to add to her worries
Because how could I tell her that
As of late
Night after night
I lie open-eyed in bed
Until my eyes sting
And I see parts of the ceiling above me
My mind playing tricks on me
And my thoughts wander to
Various memories
Tucked into
Various corners of my life
Friends made and lost
People no longer alive
Being in love
Never being loved
Fears and happiness
Everything that pierces my skin
like those whirring needles
That filled parts of my skin
With ink
And right as I started to get lost in thought
And finally, was that sleep just around the corner?
The loud hoot of a night train
Cuts through the still air
Reminding me that I was awake
During a time of the day when
The world was so quiet
So still
That I could hear the trains slowing down
At the railway station
Just one to two kilometers away
Depending on how I want to get there
Just walking distance
But which, loud as it is,
Is as quiet as a mouse
Compared to the loudness of humans awake
Vehicles and the everyday noises
Of the world around us
And the rhythmic turning of its wheels
And the loud hoot warning people
Of its presence
Scares away sleep
And there's nothing I can do
While I feel it run away from me
Except stare at the ceiling once again
And wait for my mind to
Finally give up
And let me sleep

Friday, August 5, 2016

I spent my teens
Making friends
Talking to people
All the time
And then
When I turned nineteen
Something in my heart changed
My mind screamed
Insisted I needed to be alone
And so for three years
I built walls around me
Ran away from anyone
Who seemed to like me
Distanced myself
From everyone I loved
And now
Here I am
Twenty two
And the loneliness I added to my life
Is killing me
And there's no one at all
To save me

Wednesday, August 3, 2016

Big deal

Here's the DEAL with Sri Lanka
and society
From the day you are born, you have to
change your goals and dreams
to suit the DEAL
You have to pass
exam after exam because
it's part of the DEAL
And parents push their children
send them to tuition class after tuition class
make them coffee or tea
so they can study until
today has become tomorrow
The DEAL is engraved in each child's mind
DEAL with it
But every now and then
a kid will reject the DEAL
they will choose a whole other letter
Flight attendant
Something that isn't part of the DEAL
And their parents aren't as proud
because the DEAL is how
a child's intelligence and success is measured
And when you are at a family gathering
the DEAL kids are a big deal
because they are doing something noble
or difficult
or something that will fill their bank accounts
or is socially accepted
something that is part of the DEAL
And sometimes
the non-DEAL kids are spoken to
some bored relative will ask them about
what they were doing or studying
interest feigned
and finally that question
'so what will you do after?'
because the DEAL is the real deal
anything else is just a hobby
just a way to let time pass
until you land yourself in the DEAL

Tuesday, August 2, 2016

Growing up

It has finally happened
The dreaded
The inevitable
You leave
And I don't even know
You are here
And I rarely see you
You have your own life
Fun, insecurities, fears and dreams
And I have my own stories
We are no longer like we used to be
So close
Knowing so much about each other
Understanding each other like no one else could
And yet, here we are today
So removed from each others worlds
Strangers after years of growing up together
I look at you and can't be honest
After all those secrets between us
Now, adults, with so much to talk about
I'm at a loss for words
And you must feel the same way too
Wondering how I am now someone
You don't even recognized
But we both knew this would happen
We just lived in denial
It has finally happened
We've finally grown up
Leaving our shared childhood behind


I've written so much about you
Not always directly, never giving you a name
But I filled page after page in my messy handwriting
In now abandoned diaries
And I filled page after page of various blogs
Throughout the years, the words have collected
And I've spoken about you too
With friends, people who knew you
People who know you
I ask them how you're
What are you doing with your life
But never if you're happy
Because I'm sure you are
With her

But despite all the words I've written or said
And despite all the thoughts I've had
Never before have I missed so much what we shared
Because no one after you, as few as they are,
Have succeeded in making me feel so part of something
None have made me feel so comfortable telling them
About some small observation made on my way home
Or some silly question I had about the universe
None of them have had the patience
And not a single one of them made me feel like
There was nothing wrong with the world
They instead made me feel other things
Anger at how absolutely stupid they were
Shame at their refusal to be amazed by life's little wonders
And being at a complete loss of words with them
Because nothing I could tell them would chase away the
Awkwardness, discomfort between us

And so today,
And ordinary day of the year
No messages waiting to be read
Sent by someone I was trying so hard to just like
Without comparing them to you
No phone ringing
A call that will go on and on for hours
Because there was just so much to talk about
As I realize just how alone I am
I miss you
More than I ever have


Don't always write
Such sad words
You are such a happy girl
All smiles and laughter

But do you not know that
It is because I wrote
Word after word
To empty my mind of
That I can smile now?

Do you not know that
My body can shake with laughter
Only because the loneliness
That possesses my body
Every now and then
Have been exorcised by words?

How dare you ask me to
Stop doing the one thing
That allows me to be the person
You claim to love so truly

How dare you ask me to
Let go of the one thing
That keeps me sane
Stops me from drowning