Thursday, December 29, 2016

To the poet that doesn't know me

I visit your blog almost everyday
It’s almost part of my routine
To see if there is a new post
To make sure you are still alive
And you don’t know me
I don’t know you
But I need to thank you
For giving me reason to believe
In the beauty of words
Just when I begin to lose hope

Friday, December 23, 2016


Funny isn't it
How easy you found it
To let go
After all those promises
Of a forever
Something you
And not I
Because I scoffed at the very idea
How could two people
Who were yet to even spend a decade
Or year
Or month together
Promise each other
But you
With your foolishness
Convinced me
And silly me
I believed you
And now here I am
Standing before an
Eternity without you

Monday, November 28, 2016


My mantra is simple
Zero expectations lead to zero disappointment
Easier said than done
But once you get the hang of it
You lower your expectations
Just so you can avoid disappointment
And so life goes on
And mine did
I found it easy to expect nothing from people
And I found that in fact
I was disappointed far less than I used to be
But then
Something went wrong somewhere
And I started applying this to myself
I had zero expectations of myself
Just so I would never disappoint myself
And now
Here I am
Without even an ounce of confidence
It's all gone
Washed away with
All those expectations I once had of myself
And I want to be crushed
That I am crippled by self-doubt
But how can I be disappointed
When I had no expectations?


I no longer trust walls
Made of brick and cement
To keep me safe
To keep you out of my life
Along with everyone else
Because I did build walls
Watched as they collapsed to the ground
Only to build them again
And again
Until I realized that walls
They weren’t as strong as they looked
I felt defenseless
Behind those walls that
So easily crumbled to the ground
Like they were nothing but walls of a
Gingerbread house
And so I threw away all those bricks and cement
I don’t need them anymore
For you’ll see that now
I’m hidden in a cocoon
Sure, it looks fragile
But you’ll need more energy than you think
To tear it apart and
Expose me to the world outside
And each time I have to weave myself
A new cocoon
It will only be stronger than the others
More layers so the sunlight doesn’t burn my eyes
More layers so you can’t tear it apart as easily
As you broke down each wall I put up
And it will be woven so tightly around me
Leaving no loom for air
For me
And slowly
With each new cocoon I must weave for myself
It will be a tighter and tighter fit
My bones break in two
Like dry twigs
Beneath careless feet
Until I am nothing at all
And your hands then
Will be stained
For you broke the cocoon
Knowing what each rebuild
Would do to me
You made my bones snap
With hands stained with
Butterfly dust

Friday, November 25, 2016


I struggled for months
in search of a word
that perfectly describes you
but I have it now
it came to me so unexpectedly
just like you did
in what feels like a
whole other lifetime

that's the one word that describes you perfectly

For you are what remains
when the fire dies down
just like the love that remains
once lust is extinguished

And like charcoal
you leave behind traces
of your presence
you turned me into the color of ebony once upon a time
and even now
I find traces of black dust
under fingernails, toenails
reminding me
of you

And most of all
despite all that happened
you are too pure to be white
so easily dirtied
for black fights back
holds on to its blackness
blemished so rarely
just like you
too good to be
like anything white
that so easily loses its whiteness

And so charcoal
that's the one word
that so perfectly describes
who you are

Told you so

What's funny about all that happened
All those months ago
Is that it could have all been avoided
I never wanted any of it anyway
Forget love
Forget relationships
I didn't even want to be your friend
I just didn't like you
I didn't trust you
Not one bit
I had a bad feeling about you
But I put all of these thoughts aside
When you forced your way into my life
And I ignored all those warning signs
Because for the first time in a very long time
I felt happy
I belonged to someone
And that seemed to be enough
But it wasn't, for you
And so I was helpless
When you forced your way out of my life
Leaving me with longing
Loss, grief
Even love
And most of all
Deafened by the voices in my head
We told you so

Wednesday, November 2, 2016


She isn't alone
Her friend walks beside her
They turn to the street
At the bottom of which
Their destination is
And they stop for a second
Hearts beating faster
For the streetlights
So few, are too dim to light up the road
And then they hear the voice of a man
Fear for their lives
For although
Dressed modestly
And everything else
That society promises
Is a protective shield
They are afraid
Of the unlit road
And the presence of a man

She pretends she's not bothered
By what they have to say
About the way her hair is
The way she walks
She pretends to not hear them
Even thought her fist is clenched tightly
Her jaws grinding
To keep her anger at bay
And then she feels something brush against her
And her body goes cold
Is it one of them
She wonders
Too afraid to check
Their voices in a distance
Tell her she's safe
And yet her legs feel like jelly
Her lungs gasping for air

She holds his arm tightly
Tries to steady him
But he's too heavy for her to
Walk to the car
She is afraid he’ll lose his balance
Trip and fall to the ground
But most of all, she’s afraid of
What he can do to her
And so when they get back home
And her father staggers to his room
She goes straight to her own and
Locks the bedroom door
And all that night she cannot sleep
Too afraid to make any noise
Afraid that even the smallest noise
Could earn her beating or something much worse

She’s seated in a bus back home
When he sits next to her
And as his elbow touches her hip
She shudders quite a bit
He’s just reaching for his wallet
But she can’t help but fear
He is just another pervert
Hungry for female flesh
And when he spreads his legs slightly
Gets more comfortable
She clutches on to her bag tightly
Wonders what she could do
And until he gets up
Goes to the front of the bus
And then gets down at his halt
It is only then that she can
Relax just a bit

She lives her whole life in fear
Even though she shouldn’t
But such is life, it’s all your fault, men will be men
Society never fails to say

Saturday, October 22, 2016

What is a haiku?

What is a haiku
When robbed of structure
Lines and syllables
That differentiates it from
A non-haiku?

What is a poem
Written for happiness
For the winning of award
When poems are born
In the the sorrows of the mind?

What is love
When it is found in
Every nook and corner
Giant teddy bears
Melting chocolate
Dying flowers?

What is a life
Deprived of all cravings
Reduced to moments
Following a pre-decided upon path
With a heavy heart?

Who are you
When you take what isn't yours
From someone who isn't yours
And give nothing at all
In return?

What are these words
I leave behind
Never to be read
By the one person
I have dedicated my every word to?

Friday, October 21, 2016


I want to kill it
The mosquito that peacefully
Clings to the blue tiled wall
That reminds me of the ocean
In the toilet in which
I sit on a white commode
And wait for my body to
Shit whatever is ready for disposal
For it has something
That I want
As it calmly clings to the wall
That reminds me of the ocean
Its own kind
Whir around me
Look for the juiciest part of my human body
To feast on
And I don't want to kill them
Because they are as empty as I am
Unable to quietly meditate
Like the mosquito that clings to the ocean-like wall

Wednesday, October 19, 2016


If you are lucky, they'll remember you after you die
Talk about you weeks after your funeral
Write about you
Share photographs and memories
Claim to have known you
If you are lucky, they'll remember you after you die
And if you aren't
If you are one of those unfortunate souls
That can die without anyone noticing
Then your name will be forgotten even before
It is engraved on a tombstone
For the grave bearing your name
A grave no one will visit

Sunday, October 16, 2016


On some days I find myself with the courage to admit
What I want out of life someday
These words I write
Typed on paper
Bound together
Filling bookshelves
So that when the days are dark
My eyes will not be burnt by the
Glow of a computer screen
Technology I detest
But rely on
To store my words
Thoughts I must rid from my mind
For they burn like a fire
Just like the one that gives me the courage to admit
What I want out of life someday
But the fire dies a sudden death
And my courage flutters away from me like butterflies
And then I'm left with nothing but self-doubt
That cripples
And twists out of my heart
Every ounce of strength
I had
All that my dreams are made of

Saturday, October 15, 2016


Here I am
Sitting away from them
From family
The people I’ve known all my life
Their voices reach me
Conversations I’m not part of
Partly by choice
Partly out of having no other choice
For I no longer feel
One with them
Sibling and mother
Are on mainland
And I
Stranded on an island
With rising water levels
And it blinds me when the sun
Hits it with force
The blade I used to
Cut the bridge made of rope
That connected us
Their hearts and mine
Blood bonds that are supposed to make us stronger
Not weaker
Not more afraid
Or angry
Not more unsure of life
And as I feel waves
Lap at my feet
I close my eyes
Wave goodbye
Silence their voices
Ignore the words that reach me
Of conversations I am not part of
Neither as participant nor topic
And unknown to them perhaps
I cut them from my heart
Thread by thread
Just like the blade
Sliced through the bridge made of ropes
That connected me to them
That connected this island of mine
To the safety of mainland

Tuesday, October 11, 2016

Don't worry about me

Don't worry about me
Not this time
You go ahead
Don't stop because of me
But let me rest
Just for a while
I'll meet you somewhere
Along the way
But don't you worry
I will catch up somehow
I won't get lost
I won't go back
Just let me rest
For I'm too tired
To take even a single step
Don't worry about me
Not this time
Let go of me
Let me be
I promise you
I just need to rest
Soon I'll be fine
And I'll come find you
So go ahead
Leave me behind
Don't worry about me
I'll be fine

Friday, October 7, 2016

Not you, but me

It's not you
It's me
It's all on me
It has nothing to do with you

When your message has been seen, read
But not responded to
It's not you
It's me

When I've seen that missed call from you
But don't call back
It's not you
It's me

When you see me in a crowd, wave
And I smile slightly, walk away
It's not you
It's me

When I don't let you
Into my life
It's not you
It's me

Tuesday, October 4, 2016

Looking for you

I've begun looking for you
After all these years
In places I know
I won't run into you
I look for you in
Bookstores you've abandoned
I look for you in restaurants
And cafes
While I dine with friends or by myself
Wondering if you go there anymore
I look for you in buses I take
Although our routines
Aren't the same
I look for you at the various events
I know you will never attend
I look for you because
After all these years
My heart stubbornly refuses to let go
And I look for you in places
I know I'll never find you
Because our minds often
Trick our hearts into believing they are
Getting what they want
And so
As I look for you in places
I know I'll never run into you
A familiar voice or figure
Will make me pause for a moment
Body going cold
Lungs heavy without the breath I forgot to take
And for just one moment I wonder
If I've finally found you
In a place I thought I never would

Thursday, September 29, 2016


the frangipani tree
cries tears of milk
as the coarse hand grabs at her
flowers of a deep magenta
the same hands that will 
offer these flowers to a statue
of the Buddha
the same hands that will be held together
in worship
as the woman says the five precepts
pāṇātipātā veramaṇī sikkhāpadaṃ samādiyāmi
but here she is
tearing off flowers from the
frangipani tree
that cries tears of milk
blood turned white
the way a mother's blood
and as she weeps
her neighbor tells her
cry not so much, they do not know what they are doing
but these are my children
my beautiful children
the frangipani tree cries
why can't they have the ones blown to the ground
by gushes of wind?
and her neighbor, older, wiser
or perhaps merely more observant of human nature, says
in their eyes, fallen flowers are too dirty
for their Buddha
although he speaks not a word now
his words are uttered
blasted through speakers
carved into pages of books
abstain from harming living beings
they mutter like parrots
day after day
without once thinking of the pain
they inflict on us
even as they wipe away our milky tears
adinnādānā veramaṇī sikkhāpadaṃ samādiyāmi
as they take what is not theirs
flowers that never grew on them
from trees that never grew in land that is their own
this is what we are cursed with
parts of us ripped from our bodies
the curse of being
who we are
nothing but
temple trees

Thursday, September 22, 2016


You lit me on fire
And I savored the painful pleasure
That came with it
You drew me deep into you
Into your bones and veins
Until traces of me stained your blood eternally
And then
When I was just getting used to how your lips felt
Against my skin
When I was just getting used to having
My life, my soul
Pulled away from me and into you
You crushed me like you would
Stub out a cigarette
You were done smoking
And you left me behind
All ashes and smoke
You flicked me away
Like I didn't matter one bit


I too often forget that people have feelings
Just like I do
When I tell those that love me
That I don't feel the same way about them
I forget that their hearts too, can break

When I ignore a once-a-friend
Because it hurts too much to remember the past
I forget that he too, has feelings

When I shut someone out of my life
Because they made all the wrong choices
I forget I am stabbing them like they stabbed me

I too often forget that people have feelings
Until it's a quiet, lonely night
And I cannot sleep
And I remember all those moments, one by one
All those times when I forgot that
Just like I do
Other people too, have feelings

And sometimes I want to reach out to them
But at such moments
When I need to feel human the most
I find my heart empty of feeling
And I stare wordlessly as people
Walk out of my life
One after the other
I place my hands on either side of my head
And push in and in
Hoping I can push out the pain this way
But when I let my hands fall
To the sides of my body
And the ringing in my head fades away
The pain comes back
Stronger than before
And I curse you
Even though it hurts even more to do so
For this gift you've left me with