Death

Five years ago
If I'd been asked what I fear the most
I would have said
Living in a world without you
Because it would have been true
My existence, back then,
Was so dependent on you

But look at me now
Alive
In a world you left
Four years ago

I'm alive
And you are not
But I feel
Like I'm not either

I lost you

Just like that

Like a breeze

I couldn't catch

For a second

I looked away

Turned back

To find you'd left

Control

I won't start

Because once I do

I won't stop

And then

I will lose control

Of it all

So don't push me

Don't make me

Want it

Please

I'm begging you

Be kind

I am not my father

Can you tell me
Why you hate me
Is it because
I remind you of him?

Can you blame me
For being so like him
I am after all
Half of you
And half of him

But you spit nasty words at me
When I come home late
Like he once used to
When I put others before family
Like he once used to

And you think you can make me
Hate him
Hate his ways
Just enough to be less like him
But do you not see
That you only make me
Hate you
A little bit more?

Your skin was a canvas

I wish I had
Reached over
And touched your skin
Felt those little scars
Of cuts you made
Locked in a room
Blood such a stark contrast
To your white skin
I think you wanted me to
But I was scared
Scared of what you were capable of

And I thought that
If I reached over and felt your skin
Touched your scars
Realised how beautiful they were
Nothing would stop me when
Months later
I too, would find myself
Locked in a room
Looking for release

Demand

Why do people demand so much from others?
Why is it never enough?

You ask
And I give
You ask
And I give
You ask
And I give and I give and I give

You ask for more
And I give

Until there's nothing left of me
To give
There's nothing left
For myself

Touch starved

You wouldn't remember that moment

Already erased from your memory

But it stays in mine

Not because it was you

Gently placing your hand

On my arm

Your face so close to mine

That I wanted to lean in

Be closer to you

But because it had been months

No, years

Since someone had touched me in a way

That made my body yearn for more

Instead of wanting to flee

Butterflies

This is all so stupid
That I want to slap myself awake
Slap myself into adulthood
Remind myself I'm not thirteen
I shouldn't be feeling this way
About a boy

But a part of me is glad
That despite you taking
So much away from me
Deep inside
I am still capable of feeling giddy
About a boy
That isn't you

Days

Some days
You jump out of bed
Excited for what the day has in store
For you
You go from chore to chore
Cleaning and tidying up
Catching up with friends
Making plans
And you are so full of energy
That at night
In bed
Sleep doesn't come easy
But it doesn't bother you
Not one bit

But there are other days
Like today
When you wake up feeling the weight
Of the world on you
And you lie in bed unable to move
Until slowly, you force yourself to
Get up and deal with the day
Finding no joy in the work you do
No satisfaction in your smallest achievements
Because today
None of it matters
Today is a day not for the alive
But for those who wish they were dead

Temptation

And so I resist the temptation
To go back and check the locks
For the fourth time
This night

Instead
I lie in bed with my eyes closed
Hoping this need will soon go away

Routine

And so this nightly ritual begins
Checking windows and doors
Lights and switches
From one end of the house
To the other
Until I get to my room
And pick out my night clothes
And walk to the bathroom
Have a wash
Rid my body of the grime
Collected during the course of the day
Wipe off the tiny droplets of water
That cling to my skin
Wear a fresh set of clothes
So easy
This part of the night is
And then I
Come back to my room
Put away my dirty clothes
And then go back
To the other end of the house
Checking windows and doors
Lights and switches
On my way there
And back to my bed
In case I've overlooked something
And it was enough to let in
The unwanted