checkmate

I forgive you

Utterly and completely

For having zero regard

For how I feel

It's as if I don't exist

Unless you need me

A pawn in your

Endless games

And I'm tired now

I won't put up a fight

So do whatever you want

See if I care

Words

Take my half-formed sentences and complete them
And when the days get worse, you will only get words
Mix and match them until they make sense
Everything does, even the letters you get
When my brain is too weak to string together those odd lines and curves
To make words that make sentences that make paragraphs that make sense
Even though nothing makes sense in my head anymore
Lay it all out and organise it and present it to the world
So that they don't know that I'm crashing
That I'm falling
Only you have permission to see me at my weakest
So take my hand under the table where no one can see
Squeeze it to keep me awake, alert
And take my letters, my words
And make sentences out of them
Be my voice when I struggle to find my own

sad singles

It has started early this year

Promos for romantic dinners for two

The prices of flowers jacked up

Throw in a box of chocolates for a small discount

Plan your dates in advance

Be blinded by all the red

So much of it

Roses and hearts and wine and love

It's all so red

Like blood

And I absorb it all

Watch as people embrace this commercialism

Of... What? Something sacred?

I scoff at the idea

Laugh at this stupid celebration of love

How embarrassing it must be to partake in this nonsense

I pretend that none of this bothers me

I laugh and insult

And hope it hides just how lonely I am

Behind this crumbling facade

something fishy

Your body against mine that night

So close, skin against skin

I could have reached around

And wrapped you in an embrace

That transfers some of your pain

Into my empty heart

Instead I stood there

Hoping my presence was sufficient

To drive away your demons

Just for that night

And I wish I felt warmth in our closeness

That I felt your heart beat, lungs expand and contract

I wish I felt how alive you and I were in that moment

Instead your body

It felt like raw fish

And it took everything in me to not recoil in disgust 

sweet

You wrapped your lies in sweet sugar paper

Fed them to me one by one

Stupid as I was in your arms

I swallowed them without any hesitation

Make it stop

We didn't have much as kids
An old TV we rarely sat in front of
No parties with bouncy castles and magicians
Home-cooked meals, the rare Happy Meal
But we had an old suitcase full of toys
Among the dolls and cars and building blocks
Were two bright red View-Masters
We would slip in the reels and watch as one image was switched for another
Mickey Mouse, Daisy Duck, characters we loved
We'd press on the orange clank and snap! a new image was before us
But we were kids and didn't treasure these
And so we no longer have any of them
Not that we need them
Because my mind has now turned itself into
A viewfinder of sorts
But it gives me no joy, it's not a toy
It's a test of patience and strength
Before I give in, surrender

Clear skin, blade, blood
snap!
Clear skin, blade, blood
snap!
Clear skin, blade, blood
snap!

Some days

sometimes you wake up and everything feels like death
everything hurts as your peel yourself off the bed
like velcro being pulled apart
you can almost hear bones cracking, muscles tearing
and you know then, you just do

the same way you know when its an unexpectedly cold morning
your skin covered in goosebumps
and you know it's going to be a lazy day, wrapped in a blanket
sipping hot tea, looking at the changing skies
you know all this before your feet hit the cold floor beneath
but there is no excitement or hope or joy on days like this
it's almost like
while you were asleep
the world tilted just a bit to the left
and suddenly the fortune you had enjoyed so far
with good days and good feelings
disappeared into the universe
taking away happiness, optimism, love
with it

so you sit there, on your bed
a tremor in your hands
trying to slow your breathing
your head feels like it weighs a tonne
your shoulders curved in
and you know that this is all your body can give you today

for the best

I liked what we had

In this city that we made our own

With it's sky high buildings

Blinding lights and crowded streets

And in this borrowed city

On borrowed time

We found something worth

Breathing for

Until the magic started to wane

And we saw the muck and grime

That this city was made of

And the ticking of the clock

Got louder and louder

And we went our separate ways

Promising each other a tomorrow

But never returning

May be it was for the best

That short time we had together

Maybe it was for the best

That we never got to see each other's

True colours

Home

We sat there
Our sides pressed againt
Each others
Finding space for ourselves
In a crowded room
And as we settled in
Next to each other
I felt safe
And comforted
I felt like life could end now
And I'd be content

Is this what they mean
When they talk about people
Feeling like home?

look away

Is it visible

My sadness

Do you see it

But choose to look away

Instead

Do you pretend to not notice

Just so we need not confront it

Are we going to tiptoe around each other

Ignoring this loneliness that

Draws us to one another?

Nighttime

Two nights ago
I woke up at 1.30am and stayed awake
For an hour or so

Last night
I woke up at 4am
And stayed awake for an hour or so

There's something about that time of the night
When you drift in and out of sleep
That feels good and safe and right

My mind slows down so I need not think
My body settles against the mattress and pillows
And the world around me slowly fades out of existence

Nothing else matters in those moments
There is no one else
Just me

Belonging

And so I sit there
At a table with my favourite people
People I love with all I've got
And suddenly I'm no longer part of them
I can't reach them
Their voices muffled, faces blurry

So I sit there in silence
Looking into this world that
I belonged to just five minutes ago

And just as I decide to leave
One of them reaches out
Pulls me back into
Whatever conversation
I'd slipped out of

So I stay
Still not quite there
But I stay

physical

There's something about sex

That I find revolting

There's something about intimacy

That I'm afraid of

So when I flinch at your touch

When I move my hand away

It's all on me

And not you

clean cut

I can't give you credit for much

But I'm glad you never turned back

Never asked for a second chance

You left and never returned

Unlike the others

Who hoped for change, forgiveness

Kept coming back

As if I'd ever change my mind

They kept coming back

Pushing me closer towards the edge

Little by little

And all it would have taken was

A single word, glance from you

To push me over

So thank you

For making this a clean cut

Maybe it wouldn't be so bad

If I were to pack up and leave

Find another life for myself

In a place I can disappear into

Seconds

I hated you for having never cared about me
Because it was easier to think that you didn't
Isn't that why people leave?
But what about those seconds we shared
Every time you walked into the room
And looked at me and only me
For a few seconds
Before joining the others?

Safety net

I built a safety net for myself
A few years ago
I built it over the course
Of a few months
Adding parts and putting it together
Making sure it will catch me
When I fall

And once that final nail
Had been screwed in
And everything was in place
I knew that now I could
Go on with life
Without worrying about crashing
Because I'd taken precautions
I was going to be okay
No matter what

And today, I looked back
To make sure that it was still there
But people had removed parts
Over the years
Dismantled my safety net
And in its place
All I could find was
A gaping hole
That would suck me in
Swallow me whole

And now I have nothing left
And I've start falling

just for today

Today

I will let myself indulge

In this fantasy

That you and I are together

And I am loved so deeply

By you

Because today

I'm just so tired

And so lonely

And sad

That if I don't do this

Forget for a minute that your heart

Belongs to another

And pretend

That your eyes light up for me

And not them

If I don't indulge in this idiotic fantasy

Just for today

I may not be able to

Hold it together anymore

Gone

I forgot you were human
That you had feelings
Needs and desires
I forgot that you felt pain
Hurt just like the rest of us
In my selfishness
I thought you would wait
Exactly where I left you
When I tire of life
And need some familiarity
You were my plan B
Someone I could discard when
It pleased me
And pick up when needed
But now I look back and realise that
You were never going to wait
You'd left even before
I took my first step away from you

what about you?

How are you

You asked me

And I replied

I'm okay

But here's the truth

That you cannot know

I feel like I'm drowning

My lungs screaming for air

I feel like a thousand needles

Are pricking me from inside and out

I feel like I'm at a dead end

With nowhere else to go

I feel like I'm done

Pretending life should go on

But of course I will never tell you

Any of these truths

When you ask me how I am

I will always pretend I'm okay

love

Kill it before it can turn into anything else
From an attraction that keeps you entertained when bored
Soon becoming something that demands so much more than
You can ever give

Kill it before it grows within you
Tendrils reaching the darkest corners of your mind
Sucking out what little energy you have
Leaving you nothing but a shell of what you used to be

Kill it before it turns into love
Because that's when you know
You've lost

Mundane

Sometimes

When I'm doing something mundane

Like chopping up some garlic

Or crossing the road

Going past a river

On my way to work

I wonder how good it would feel

To be pulled out of existence.

And I wonder if you'd

Miss me

Loss

And so this is what we are left with
Heartbreak and pain
Memories that feel like fire
Making skin melt
Feelings that feel like blades
Slicing into flesh
This is all we have
Now that we've loved and loved
And lost it all

Embers

It's in my bones
Burning like embers
Not as loud as a fire
But still as hot
It makes my insides melt
And skin burn
But there's nothing I can
Douse this with

This unhappiness within me
And everything else that
Tags along with it
Refuses to budge
I feel the strings that hold me together
Come undone
Snapping
One by one

thrill

Sometimes I wonder

If my heart fluttered

When I was with you

Because you awakened

Parts of me

I was previously unaware of

Or because

The thrill of being with you

Made my heart beat

Faster

Knowing this thing between us

Was forbidden

Knowing it was a secret, hidden

When you asked me if anyone knew

There was a certain glint in your eyes

The way your lips curled into a smile

Made me wonder about this need for secrecy

And your insistence on remaining mysterious

Is in itself was a warning

But it was a warning

I chose to ignore

Over and over again

Always on my mind

I haven't asked about you in a while
Progress, I'd say
But last month, when it was my turn to share
A sad story
I considered lying
Making something up just to get it over with
But then...
I thought about you
And finally told people the truth

It took me years
To admit out loud
How I fell for you
How you broke my heart

Silly

You silly boy

You think we don't notice

How hard you try

To get her attention

Your eyes light up

When she walks into the room

You forget the rest of us

When she's around

You do your best

To impress her

But then she leaves

Not even turning around

To look at you

And you sit there

Crushed

Deflated

We all notice this

So we always stay back

To pick up the pieces

She crumbles you into

 

And as you sit there

Noticing only her

I sit here

Noticing only you