Tuesday, January 16, 2018

Afraid

I was afraid because
He was an adult and I a child
And who would they believe
A little girl
Who could so easily be
Misreading a situation
They were too young to fully understand
Or an adult
A responsible one at that

I was afraid because
I was an adult and he a child
And they wouldn't believe this child
Was old enough to make a woman uncomfortable
Say such sexually explicit things
They would shame me for
Misreading the situation
Making things up

I was afraid because
I didn't want him near me
His hands on me
But he dismissed my resistance
And who would they believe
The significant other
Or the girl who didn't actually say no

I was

I am afraid because
I can't move
I feel trapped
Can't breathe
Everything
Is closing in
The walls
Him
Next to me
His sticky body
Right side
Pressed against my left
And please may it be a mistake
Maybe he's asleep
Maybe I'm taking too much space on this seat
If I say anything
The other passengers
Will they make it worse for me
Breathe in
Breathe out
Maybe I'm misreading the situation
Maybe I'm

I'm just so afraid

Thursday, December 28, 2017

I'm okay

Or maybe I don't miss you
Maybe I just feel bad
And the only way I can distract myself
From all these thoughts and feelings and everything why is everything so loud and tiring and let me just breathe
Okay
Maybe missing you is my way of
Pretending I'm okay

I miss you

Can't you say
By all these shit posts
That all I'm trying to say is that
I miss you

I miss you so fucking much.

Just do it.

I want you to slice apart my scalp
Crack open my skull
Take out the bad things in my head
Throw it in the ocean
Burn it in a fire
Destroy it somehow
And put my head together once again
Just so I can love you
Just so I can let you love me
Just so I can love myself
Just so I can.

To Johnny Meowing

It's getting worse
Those images of him
While he was dying
And we couldn't do anything
And I couldn't be strong for him

Those images
They flash in my mind
When the world is quiet
And I can't sleep
Like cameras clicking
Flash flash flash
He is dying
Can't breathe
Can't walk
Can't fight anymore

They haunt me
Make me feel sick
Scared
Angry
Hurt
I close my eyes tightly
Take deep breaths
Try to think of something else
But everything I know
Somehow reminds me of him

And I want to feel his soft body
Hear his purring when I rubbed his belly
Those little kisses he would give me
The love he was so full of

Baby
I miss you
And I'm sorry

Firsts

You are supposed to remember it all

Your first kiss
The day it happened
How it felt before
And how you felt after
How your lips tingled
Like the fizz of soda
Was beneath your skin
The body attached to the lips
That met yours
What you were thinking
Wearing
What led to that first kiss

Your first love
What they looked like
How they made you feel
How their presence filled your life
Their departure overwhelmed you

Your first heartbreak
How torn you were
How hot the tears were as they
Created little streams down your face
How everything everything everything
Reminded you of them
And pulled the pieces of your heart
Further and further apart

They say you remember your firsts
Because
There's nothing before them
No memories
No stories
They are the beginning
And beginnings are hard to forget

And yet
I struggle to remember sometimes

I yearn for a first kiss
Wonder why it has taken so long
And then I remember
That first happened
A while back
And I can't remember
The details of his face
How his lips felt
His tongue
The before and the after
How filled with joy I was

I forget his name
How it felt to be so full of a feeling
To love someone so deeply
Not some silly crush
But love love love

And on that day
When I'd known
-been told-
It was over
What had I been wearing
What had you been wearing
What had it felt like
Was it raining
What words did you use
How did I react
Did you see in my face how hurt I was

My mind is blank
I can't remember these firsts
They say we never forget

Wednesday, December 20, 2017

14 reasons why I didn't choose you

#1
I picked up a piece of chalk
And wrote and wrote
On this blackboard
And you walked up to me
Picked up the duster
And wiped it all away
Then you took the piece of chalk
From my hand
Covered every centimeter
Of the blackboard
With your tales
And shouted
'Read this. Read this. Read this.'

#2
 I can lift with my bare hands
The heaviest rock there is
But a mountain I can't move
You ignored the mountain
That wouldn't budge
And said 'Unlike me
You are strong'
And your words made me want to
Drop the heaviest rock there is
On your head

#3
You said:
Your truth is different to
My truth
You may be right
But I know
I'm never wrong

#4
Comparing
Comparing
Always comparing

#5
I'd have had to teach you
And I didn't want that weight on my shoulders

#6
For a reason unknown to me
Hurting you
Gave me pleasure

#7
You never focused on the bright blue sky
Or the gentle breeze that blew
You only saw the hint of grey
In the distant sky

#8
Through no fault of yours
You were nothing like him

#9
And your inability to be like him
Reminded me of him more and more

#10
Our worlds were built too far apart
That no bridge built would
Connect them for long

#11
Something about you
Set off alarms in my head
'Run! Run! Run!'
Warnings I couldn't ignore

#12
You were like
Tea gone cold
Melted ice
Over-baked cake

Useless now
Even though
Once you may have been
Good enough

#13
You wanted everything that I didn't want

#14
You were everything I didn't like

Tuesday, December 19, 2017

The things you can't know.

My grandmother died
In March
2015
It's the end of 2017 now
And I still break down in tears
I still forget sometimes
That she's dead

But a week or so after
She died
Her friend asked me
Over the phone
How I was
And I said I was doing well
And she asked me
If that was so
A question
An accusation

Even now
When I am asked
How I am dealing with her loss
I smile
Say it's part and parcel of life

Johnny Meowing
My baby
Died a couple of months ago
His kidneys failed him
But most of all
I failed him
And so he died
And I cried

But now
When people ask me
How I'm holding up
I smile
I say I'm fine

And yet
The truth that is this:
'Johnny Meowing is dead'
Pierces through my heart
Like an ice pick
So sharp

And I cry
When I'm alone
I struggle to understand
To accept
I hate this
Not having them
Not being loved
Anymore

But no matter how much I hurt
I smile
And say I'm fine
Whenever someone asks me
If I'm doing okay.

Even though I'm anything but
Fine.

Wednesday, December 13, 2017

Afraid.

When you love someone so deeply
That you are afraid of losing them
Do you let that fear overwhelm you
Or do you stop loving them?

Your name

And still
Saying your name
Out loud
Takes out of me
More than I expect it to
My chest feels heavy
My lungs empty
My head spins
My legs turn to jelly
And I look around
To make sure
No one else will hear me
As if admitting to what once was
Is a crime
And so I lower my voice
Take a deep breath
And say it
I say your name