Araliya

the frangipani tree

cries tears of milk

as the coarse hand grabs at her

children

flowers of a deep magenta

the same hands that will 

offer these flowers to a statue

of the Buddha

the same hands that will be held together

in worship

as the woman says the five precepts

pāṇātipātā veramaṇī sikkhāpadaṃ samādiyāmi

but here she is

tearing off flowers from the

frangipani tree

that cries tears of milk

blood turned white

the way a mother's blood

does

and as she weeps

her neighbor tells her

cry not so much, they do not know what they are doing

but these are my children

my beautiful children

the frangipani tree cries

why can't they have the ones blown to the ground

by gushes of wind?

and her neighbor, older, wiser

or perhaps merely more observant of human nature, says

in their eyes, fallen flowers are too dirty

for their Buddha

although he speaks not a word now

his words are uttered

blasted through speakers

carved into pages of books

abstain from harming living beings

they mutter like parrots

day after day

without once thinking of the pain

they inflict on us

even as they wipe away our milky tears

adinnādānā veramaṇī sikkhāpadaṃ samādiyāmi

as they take what is not theirs

flowers that never grew on them

from trees that never grew in land that is their own

this is what we are cursed with

parts of us ripped from our bodies

the curse of being

who we are

nothing but

temple trees

Cigarette

You lit me on fire

And I savored the painful pleasure

That came with it

You drew me deep into you

Into your bones and veins

Until traces of me stained your blood eternally

And then

When I was just getting used to how your lips felt

Against my skin

When I was just getting used to having

My life, my soul

Pulled away from me and into you

You crushed me like you would

Stub out a cigarette

You were done smoking

And you left me behind

All ashes and smoke

You flicked me away

Like I didn't matter one bit

Selfish

I too often forget that people have feelings

Just like I do

 

When I tell those that love me

That I don't feel the same way about them

I forget that their hearts too, can break

When I ignore a once-a-friend

Because it hurts too much to remember the past

I forget that he too, has feelings

When I shut someone out of my life

Because they made all the wrong choices

I forget I am stabbing them like they stabbed me

I too often forget that people have feelings

Until it's a quiet, lonely night

And I cannot sleep

And I remember all those moments, one by one

All those times when I forgot that

Just like I do

Other people too, have feelings

And sometimes I want to reach out to them

Apologize

But at such moments

When I need to feel human the most

I find my heart empty of feeling

And I stare wordlessly as people

Walk out of my life

One after the other

I place my hands on either side of my head

And push in and in

Hoping I can push out the pain this way

But when I let my hands fall

To the sides of my body

And the ringing in my head fades away

The pain comes back

Stronger than before

And I curse you

Even though it hurts even more to do so

For this gift you've left me with

September 17

Inbetween

Places

Leaving one family

For the other

And yet

The one I need the most

Is with neither

Because love can travel any distance

And sometimes you have to be content with

Once a year reunions

But when people are gone

In a permanent sense

When they aren't even a body rotting beneath us

Or ashes resting in a urn

When they have met and left with death

How do you soothe your heart

Of such absence?

How do you tell yourself

That the one you love the most

Will no longer sit next to you

At the dining table?

Or make your favorite dishes?

Or believe in you

No matter how hard it is to do so?

How do you soothe an aching heart

When the one person who can

Left with no warning

Left so suddenly, so unexpectedly?

And so today

Here I am

Inbetween places

When all I want to be is with you

(For Athamma, on her birthday)

(1)

You are supposed to listen

Especially when it's so obvious

That there is a message to be read

Between the lines

Something so important to me

You are supposed to listen

But you don't

Instead

Without apology

You interrupt

With stories of your own

And so I find refuge in

Words written and not spoken

In a place you don't know of

And so you will never know

Just how much I need you

Even though

Each time I reach out

You look away

(2)

I wonder too often

What my life would be like

If he hadn't met her

And she had met someone else

How different would my life be

If no had been said

Instead of

Yes

(3)

Do you ever feel guilty

For being cursed with the role

Of the first one to have

Broken my heart?

(4)

These words

All start sounding the same

After just a few lines

Maybe I should steal some

From another

Words

Even stories

Anything

To get rid of

This unchanging way of life

Because

To be quite honest

I'm quite bored with it all

(5)

They ask me why

I remain unchosen

But they never

Choose me

(6)

Surrender

Cursed are these days

When the sorrows of the night before

Seep into the morning after

Even after tears have been shed

And thoughts have merged into dreams

And rest in the form of

Restless sleep

Has given you a few blissful hours of peace

And you wake up

Your body still aching

Your eyes puffy

But you think

That was all in the past

You have left it all behind

Until you pick up your toothbrush

Or mug of coffee

And suddenly

Nothing is in the past anymore

It's all here, now

And there's nothing you can do

As the weight of collected troubles

Pulls you down and down and down

On a quiet day in March

On a quiet day in March

You left us

And the night was so calm and still

That not even the ambulance

Could disturb the sleeping souls

That were merely resting

And not dying

Unlike you

And they carried you out of our house

And I was too afraid to look at you

Because looking, seeing would mean knowing

And since then

There has been this great gray cloud

Hovering above me

Blocking the sunlight, the stars

And on most days

I have the strength to ignore it

I'm too distracted by life and the living of it

But on some days

When my thoughts are slow and few

I can't help but wonder

If the happiness that left with you

Will ever return to my life

Destination.

No matter how many times they announce

The route taken by the train of that platform

I still worry about being in the wrong train

And realize too late I'm headed towards the wrong destination

And so I keep rechecking platform number

Listen carefully to the crackling voice

That informs passengers of which train

Goes where

And sometimes when I'm with you

Even though I know fully well where we are headed

I wonder if we could be on a train going towards

A different destination

And unlike the fear I feel when in a train

A tinge of excitement and joy

Creep their way into my thoughts

When I wonder if maybe we could be headed somewhere unexpected

Her smile could light up a room

And so it was a shame that

Day after day

They lived in darkness

Glass

Today

For a moment

I forgot about gravity

I let go of something made of glass

And didn't realize there was nothing

To stop it from being pulled by gravity

And that is how it was

During those first few days

When nothing important

Stayed in my mind for too long

Unless it was tied to you

And like the glass jar that fell

I too fell

In love with you

And at the exact second

That I realized what was about to happen

The great mistake I had made

Early in the day

The glass hit the floor

And broke into a thousand pieces

And no matter how much I cursed myself

Or the universe

The glass remained broken

Too shattered to be whole again

And that is how I felt

On that godawful day

That I still try so hard to

Forget about

And later in the day

As I was walking past the scene of the crime

From that morning

When I forgot about gravity

For just one moment

Something split open the skin

On my aching feet

And the floor was stained red

In patches

Like an artist's attempt

At something abstract

And it was a fine pain

So unexpected

That it hurt more than it should have

And I wondered how

The shard of glass had

Escaped

Even though I was so careful

That morning

To sweep away

The glass jar I broke

Every small piece of it

And that's how it feels

When on an ordinary day

I remember something or the other

About you

And tomorrow

I will buy a new jar

To be used in place of a jar

That is now a thousand pieces of glass

And as the days pass

I will forget all about the one that broke

The one I dropped

The one that slipped through my fingers

And someday

That will be you and I