Hurdle

Like a hurdle

I can't jump over

Or walk around

You stand before me

Refusing to move

Refusing to let me go on with life

To move on

Almost afraid that

I will forget

All the pain you caused

Lurking

It isn't fair that

The people who tore you apart

Left you hurting

Never really leave you

Because they lurk beneath

Memories of better days

Waiting until you expect them the least

To pounce on you

Again and again

Embrace

It was almost as if you knew

How easily I would break

If you didn't hold me tight

One hand on the back of my neck

The other on my breast

Keeping me from tipping too much to the back

And falling out of your embrace

But you should have held me tighter

It just wasn't enough

Because

One minute I wanted

Not you

But what you could give me

And the next

I didn't

And you suddenly repulsed me

Your touch repulsed me

And I snapped

And broke

And nothing you did

-promising to be gentle

-giving me as much time as I needed

-asking me what I wanted

Nothing could put back the pieces

To make me as whole as I was

Before I shattered

In your embrace

Dam

I built a wall around my heart
A spillway in case I needed to let it all out
But it remained shut
Holding everything inside
And then you came along
Told me there was a need no more
To hide behind the wall
I had built around my heart

So I yanked it open that spillway
Which I hadn't thought of in a while
And waited and waited
You too, waited and waited
And nothing flowed out
Not a single drop
The sun had dried it all out
And now there was nothing left in me

Clot

There's a clot
Beneath my skin
Made of what
I'm not too sure
But there is pain
Dull but constant
Near my chest
It hurts
And this clot
Blocks the air
My lungs need
Not filling them fully
It hurts
I try to breathe in
1... 2... 3... 4...
Breathe out
1... 2... 3... 4... 5... 6... 7... 8...
But I can't
There's nothing filling my lungs
And this makes my heart
Slow down
And my skin tingles
I feel faint
I can't breathe
I can't function
And everything is so loud
Echoing in my head
Chipping away at my skull
Maybe my head will explode

I want to use something sharp
A blade, a knife, anything
To cut open my skin
So I can reach in
Pull out the clot
Just so I can breathe once again
But whenever I place cold steel against my cold skin
A voice inside my head whispers that
Nothing
Not even this
Will make it alright

Temples

It doesn't take long for things to change
And so I'm not surprised by how much has changed
Since I was a child
How things were just five or ten years ago

We were taught that white was the color
To wear to a temple
Because it is the color of purity
Because it doesn't hurt the eyes
Disturb the peace

We were taught to cover our bodies
Cover our arms
Our legs
Show as less skin as possible
Out of respect to a place of worship

We were taught to wear clothes that didn't
Hug our bodies
Like we cling to things in life
But hung loosely
Like a flower that so easily can be plucked
From a tree

We were taught to be quiet
And calm
You don't run in temples
You don't shout
Time slows down
And you don't fight it

These were never rules
But guidelines
Things we followed
Because they made sense

And now
When I go to the temple
Not even every full moon
But once in a blue moon
I wonder where these lessons about
What to wear
How to behave
Have gone
As an ache intensifies in my head
As I sit away from everyone
In the shadows
In white clothes
Two sizes too big
Straining to hear the sound of the bo leaves
Rustling in the wind

Out of speakers
Installed around the temple
A monk's voice
Booms and echoes
Exorcising the calm and peace
The temple is possessed by

The sound of sand crunching
Beneath feet
Running here and there
In a hurry to
Offer flowers
Light joss sticks
A race to finish first
This act of faith

Children scream
And giggle
Playing games
Around the white stupa
That is bright and white
Against the dark sky
And a few steps away
The bo tree sighs
Yearning for some quiet
In this place for worship
Meditation

And as I sit there I see
People dressed for parties
And summer days
Blouses with sequins
Shining like the stars above us
Men wearing shorts
Unconcerned about any dress code
Because
Men can wear whatever they want to
Right?

People pull at the back of their tshirts
As they sit down
As comfortably as they can
In those skin-tight clothes
That seem to have shrunk a size or two
Since they bought them
And are of so many different colors
The only white that can be found
Is among the flowers they offer
Or the pahan thira that burns slowly

And I sit there wondering
When this place that made my mind calm
Made it easier to breathe
To think
To understand
Became a place that is so loud
It makes my head ache
And I wonder how
In a country that boasts of its
Rich Buddhist culture
The only things at peace in a temple
Are the lifeless statues of the Buddha

Impatient

.

If you weren't so impatient

It would have been you who was shown the way out

But you couldn't wait

Not even two weeks

And so it all happened

The other way around

You told me to leave

And I had no choice

And since then

I've been asking people to leave

Before it's too late

Because what's worse than being abandoned

Is having to walk out the door

Before you are ready to say goodbye

.

Men don't belong in the kitchen

Men don't belong in the kitchen

Where onions are chopped

Making tears flow

Where karapincha sizzles in hot oil

Getting ready to drown in a delicious curry

Men don't belong here

Where food is cooked and served

By the women

The women who run the kitchen

The household

The unappreciated backbone

Forgotten engine

Men don't belong here

Where they eat as much as they can

Without caring if there's enough food for everyone

Complain there isn't enough salt

The food isn't warm enough

Chicken instead of fish would have been better

And then belch

Proud of how loud they are

Just men being men

And then they wash their hands

Watch a little TV

Go to bed content

Not for a second wondering who will

Wash all the pots and pans

Plates and spoons

That are piled high in the kitchen sink

Men don't belong in the kitchen

Because that's where women belong

Where they cook and clean and

Eat only what's left over

Even though their stomachs scream for food

Just as loudly as their feet scream for rest

And a boy

Too young to know where he doesn't belong

Asks his mother

If he can cook that day

Although he doesn't even know

How flour and coconut and water and salt

Turn into hot hot roti

He does know that

His mother is tired

Too tired to cook

But she says to him

Don't worry about it

I'll make dinner for us all

Go and do your homework

And anyway

Men don't belong in the kitchen

Hair

Why did you cut your hair
They still ask
Although it has been weeks
Or even months
I can't quite remember
Anymore
But it's been long enough
And yet
They keep asking me
Why did you cut your hair
It -you- looked so much better
Before

And I just smile
Tell them I was sick and tired
Of all those curls
But what I was really sick and tired of was
Not what was on my head
But in the heads of others
That made them assume
It was oh so totally acceptable and understandable
To make the silliest jokes
Say the crudest things
Stare as if I was not even human

And now that my hair is no longer a mess of curls
That make people stare
Ogle
Call out to me
I'm invisible
I'm a plain Jane
That no one bothers to even look at

And that's exactly why I cut my hair
Even though that's not the reason I give you
When you ask me why I cut my hair

Rain

You were standing in the rain
A thousand people around you
A smile on your face
And that's when I knew...


A woman stands next to you
Her bag pushes against your elbow
As she bends down slightly
To hold her umbrella over her child's head


A man rushes past you
Holding up his briefcase
To keep away the rain
From soaking him completely
Although already
He is pretty darn drenched


A child giggles away
Turning in circles
He'll soon be dizzy
His clothes
  secondhand
Cling to his thin body
As he spreads his arms wide
Catches raindrops as they fall from the sky


And there you stand
Looking straight at me
A look in your eyes
One I've never seen before
And that's when I know
You are here to stay