Panthera

Perhaps I do have a type

This one kind of person I gravitate towards

And then run away from

But if we are being honest

I'm clutching at straws here

You two aren't alike

If only

If only I could throw into the Mahaweli

The memory of you that still haunts me

Perhaps then I would know at least an ounce more happiness

And ounce less loneliness

Than I feel now

"Did you fall in love with me?"

Remember how you asked me this, so casually, over the phone

I told you you already knew the answer to the question

I can't remember how you responded but I've always felt guilty

You told me not to, but I went ahead and did it anyway

Now, I look back at what once was and realise that the blame is to be shared

I fell in love with you because I was an idiot

But I also fell for you because you made me

With your empty promises and sweet nothings

I pictured us falling madly in love with each other

But you, always the smart one, came prepared with armour and parachutes

I didn't see the need for protection so I fell face first

Down and down until I hit the ground

And those wounds, they still bleed

Love is a cliché

To love you

Is to wrap myself in

Barbed wire

And stand so still

I am barely breathing

To be loved by you

Is to be thrown into a pond

Only to realise

It is not a pond

But the raging ocean

To lose you

Is to have each strand of hair

On my body

Plucked off with tweezers

One by one

To leave you

Is to pull the trigger

Not knowing

Which chamber is

Loaded

Nothing changes

And so I turn 27

Nothing changes

Nothing magical happens

When the clock strikes 12

I'm the same fucking person

Living the same fucking life

It's the same fucking loneliness.

Just one of those days

On some days the batter is lumpy

Flour refusing to incorporate with sugar and egg

The cake burns in the oven

Despite there being ten minutes left on the timer

Your beautiful sponge is dry and dark

Shrinking as the clock ticks

And one of the good layers breaks in half as you try to

Place it on the turntable

A spoonful of frosting falls on the table

And what does get slathered on the cake

Melts because the cake is still too hot

So you give up, scream in frustration

Sit on the floor and ignore the cake

You should have just bought instead

And the waterworks start

Dripping down your face like the too-pink frosting

Dripping off the turntable and on to the table

On some days you are as big a mess

As the cake falling apart in your kitchen

There, I said it. Happy now?

On nights like this, I struggle to ignore that godawful truth

It's embarrassing, especially given my age

And the mask that resembles a brave face I hide behind

But hey, today, I'm just a little too tired to keep it in

To pretend that everything's okay

That our family of five that became four that became three

Will soon become two

That I have to smile through every single thing

Friends family whoever

Does that steer us more and more away from

How things are

I usually pretend none of this affects me

That I'm in control

That I like the direction in which my life is headed

But today, my feet ache a bit too much

Breathing feels like a chore and crying seems to be a thing

We now do for no reason, with no warning, at the oddest times

My fingers can barely make it across the keyboard

So let's get this over with

The goddamn truth

I'm so fucking lonely.

sunsets

Outside, the sky is pink

Like exposed skin

From when your arm rubs against a wall

As you are pushed against another

It will turn orange soon

Like the anger that spits and crackles inside

That heart that once couldn't contain its love for you

And then darkness

A blue that is almost black

The moon will be bright

A scattering of starts

This is what you see when you close your eyes

Against the violence

When the pain is too much

And you can't cry out

Today, the evening sky is a reminder

Of the day you got that black eye

The bruise on your leg

The day he first hurt you

Starting with words and then a slap

A punch and then a kick

And then two and three and more and more

But yesterday, the evening sky reminded you

Of roses and lilies and daisies and iris

Baby's breath and jasmine

Hibiscus and anthurium

Sunflowers and dandelions

That first bouquet he brought home

Lies hidden beneath those soft petals

Pills

While looking for something in a cupboard

I found your pill organiser. Plastic. Once white

Now covered in the faintest layer of dust

It hasn't been touched in five years

That's how long it has been

It rattled when I picked it up. It wasn't empty

Pills you had planned to take

But never got around to taking

Pills that, in the end, didn't matter.

They didn't extend your time with us

Online dating

May be the reason I keep swiping left

On man after man

Not pausing to consider

Take a closer at their pictures

Interests carefully added

To seem interesting

Chill with a cold beer?

Talk over coffee?

Meet for pizza and wine?

A cattle market, really

This hellhole of an app

Is because I keep hoping that someday

I'll come across your profile

That I'll see your face again

And I'll spend a good five minutes or more looking at your pictures

Reading all the tidbits of information you've

Included about yourself

And I'll swipe left, of course,

Close the app, delete it

And I'll wonder if you came across my profile

And if you did, whether you noticed it was me

And if you did, whether you went left or right