beggars can't be choosers

They come back to you

Those ghastly and rather shameful things you did

Not even in the name of love

But for a brief moment of belonging

That fleeting feeling of having been chosen

To occupy a minuscule space in another's life

Breadcrumbs, really

But that is all some of us get

So that's what it's like to be happy

I had a dream of you last night

It so rarely happens but it was wonderful

We were together

Listening to music, talking

But there seemed to be this shared knowledge

That all we had was this one day

And so we chose to be unabashedly happy

Drown in it, let it consume us

I'd give up all my happy days

If I could have just one day of unconditional happiness with you

Lost and found

The thing about possessions that go missing

That are misplaced

Is that you never know for sure if you've

Lost them forever

Or if they'll turn up eventually

Forgotten under a stack of newspapers

Hidden between two cushions

So what should I do with you?

Write you off as lost and gone forever

Or hold on to the hope that what is lost can be found?

Boxes

You said you lived out of boxes as a kid

Being on the constant move

Made permanent storage for your possessions a luxury

And I couldn't quite understand it

How you could live like that

Because I've only ever lived in this one house

But now, you've made a home for yourself

With someone you love

Someone you buy cupboards and cabinets and shelves with

To store all those books and clothes and keepsakes

You've carried in boxes

All your life

And I've taken all my emotions and needs and desires

Wrapped them carefully in bubble wrap

Filling the spaces with foam peanuts

Packed them in boxes of varying sizes

Sealed and labelled and put away

So they no longer clutter my life and make me yearn for what you have

And I don't

Yeti sightings

The sightings may be rare but they do happen

Such a disbeliever, I was, until today

After years of unconsciously looking for you

On the street, in the train, at restaurants

I never thought I would come across your name

But there you were, on Facebook

Who would have thought

Unexpected but underwhelming

A yeti would have been better

To be honest

Waffles

By the time I get to bed and sit in front of the laptop

Unpause the episode of Grace and Frankie I was watching

The butter had melted and formed small golden pools in the

Waffles I made for dinner

And between picking one up and taking a bite

It hits me that I will be lonely, alone for the rest of my life

It's moments like these that I dread the most

Everything seems as good as they will ever get

And then the universe throws a curveball at you

And nothing seems right anymore

Mosquito

There are four mosquitoes inside the mosquito net

Their little bodies heavy, they struggle to fly

Blood, so red against the sunlight

My blood

I clap my hands around them

Blood staining my hands

My blood

What's the point of having your guard up

Building walls around you

If the enemy is already inside

The thief returns

You, the thief,

Return

To take what is mine 

So fucking blind 

To see what it does to me 

But I don't have a fight left in me

So here

Have it all 

What little there is left

Take it and leave me alone

Today we write soppy poems

I don't know if it's because the blues have been bluer

And I've been feeling lonelier than usual

Or if it's because I've been wondering if we should have

Given each other a bit more time

But the songs on the radio remind me of you today

A voice I heard on the street reminds me of you today

The way the clouds look up in the sky, this godawful April heat

A movie ticket from years ago, the colour of my bedroom walls

Everything reminds me of you today

And how I wish

I could love and be loved by you

Today is for missing you

Today is for wishing for the unattainable

And today is for soppy poems.

Disintegrating

I feel like I'm coming undone 

Everything I am is slowly turning into 

Nothing 

I forget how to talk to people 

Responding instead with a word or two 

Touch feels alien, your hand 

Accidentally brushing against mine felt so strange 

People who were constants, strangers now 

I don't know how to love them 

I look at myself in the mirror and wonder 

Who this woman is, staring back 

I don't recognize her 

I don't recognize myself