Love

And as undeserving as you think you are

You do end up getting more than you

Ever thought you would

It just takes a while to realise

Not because they don't love you enough

Because they do

But because it's too good to be true

And you are so damn afraid that

If you accept it, if you embrace it,

If you get used to having so much love in your life

That you would lose it all

That they would leave

But you know they are here to stay because

They don't give up on you

They don't walk away

Just when you think you've lost them like countless others

They take your hand in theirs and

Walk with you

Days like this

And on some days

It is as hard to speak

As it is to place myself

Somewhere in the future

As near as three years

And as far as a decade

On some days

There is no future

And there are no words

There is only the struggle of

Taking it one breath at a time

Love

When I was thirteen, I dismissed the reflection of a gawky kid in the mirror

And told myself that as soon as I turned sixteen

I would be swept off my feet by some boy

When I was fifteen, I told this boy I had a massive crush on that I liked him

And he told me he didn't feel the same way but it didn't matter

Because I stopped liking him a few months later

I turned sixteen and was that an uneventful year

There was no boy who would sweep me off my feet

Not when I was sixteen, not when I was seventeen and not when I was eighteen

But nineteen held a lot of hope and I did get swept off my feet

Only to learn that adult relationships are complicated

And nothing like the fairytales

I nursed my broken heart for the next few years

Slowly realising, or perhaps, slowly accepting that

I would never have this Hollywoodesque romance

Today I had a glimpse of what my future holds

What I would be like when I'm forty or fifty

And it dawned on me that some of us never get their love story

So I will watch as my friends fall in and out of love

I will talk to people I never see again

And I will learn to live with the kind of loneliness some of us take with us to our graves

Panthera

Perhaps I do have a type

This one kind of person I gravitate towards

And then run away from

But if we are being honest

I'm clutching at straws here

You two aren't alike

If only

If only I could throw into the Mahaweli

The memory of you that still haunts me

Perhaps then I would know at least an ounce more happiness

And ounce less loneliness

Than I feel now

"Did you fall in love with me?"

Remember how you asked me this, so casually, over the phone

I told you you already knew the answer to the question

I can't remember how you responded but I've always felt guilty

You told me not to, but I went ahead and did it anyway

Now, I look back at what once was and realise that the blame is to be shared

I fell in love with you because I was an idiot

But I also fell for you because you made me

With your empty promises and sweet nothings

I pictured us falling madly in love with each other

But you, always the smart one, came prepared with armour and parachutes

I didn't see the need for protection so I fell face first

Down and down until I hit the ground

And those wounds, they still bleed

Love is a cliché

To love you

Is to wrap myself in

Barbed wire

And stand so still

I am barely breathing

To be loved by you

Is to be thrown into a pond

Only to realise

It is not a pond

But the raging ocean

To lose you

Is to have each strand of hair

On my body

Plucked off with tweezers

One by one

To leave you

Is to pull the trigger

Not knowing

Which chamber is

Loaded

Nothing changes

And so I turn 27

Nothing changes

Nothing magical happens

When the clock strikes 12

I'm the same fucking person

Living the same fucking life

It's the same fucking loneliness.

Just one of those days

On some days the batter is lumpy

Flour refusing to incorporate with sugar and egg

The cake burns in the oven

Despite there being ten minutes left on the timer

Your beautiful sponge is dry and dark

Shrinking as the clock ticks

And one of the good layers breaks in half as you try to

Place it on the turntable

A spoonful of frosting falls on the table

And what does get slathered on the cake

Melts because the cake is still too hot

So you give up, scream in frustration

Sit on the floor and ignore the cake

You should have just bought instead

And the waterworks start

Dripping down your face like the too-pink frosting

Dripping off the turntable and on to the table

On some days you are as big a mess

As the cake falling apart in your kitchen

There, I said it. Happy now?

On nights like this, I struggle to ignore that godawful truth

It's embarrassing, especially given my age

And the mask that resembles a brave face I hide behind

But hey, today, I'm just a little too tired to keep it in

To pretend that everything's okay

That our family of five that became four that became three

Will soon become two

That I have to smile through every single thing

Friends family whoever

Does that steer us more and more away from

How things are

I usually pretend none of this affects me

That I'm in control

That I like the direction in which my life is headed

But today, my feet ache a bit too much

Breathing feels like a chore and crying seems to be a thing

We now do for no reason, with no warning, at the oddest times

My fingers can barely make it across the keyboard

So let's get this over with

The goddamn truth

I'm so fucking lonely.