bread, butter and other luxuries

With you, I'm willing to settle for seconds

A quick touching of hands, a smile between words

A hand on my lower back, a kiss on the cheek

Nothing that lasts beyond a moment

I think about seconds as I reach for another slice of bread

Slather butter on it, as if soon, cows will go extinct

You make a face from across the table, and I laugh

These small luxuries are all I have

A cup of coffee to my right

An offer you have never made

"Oh you are leaving" you once said

But never "stay for a while longer"

the end

the days turn into weeks

the weeks turn into months

and before you know it

we'll be counting years since we last spoke

purloin

When you hurt me with your words

So sharp, they reminded me of glass

Pieces of a mirror that would cut the hands

That tried to pick them up, capture the reflection

Of a face that winces at the pain, the blood

I tucked away the hurt, smiled through it

Instead turned to little thefts, malicious takings

Of what was yours first

And you would put on a brave face, say you didn't

Care, everything was mine to take

We played this game for so long

There was nothing left to call yours

Except for all the hurt that settled in

Among the stolen things

tone

The breeze brings with it the slightest chill

But the heat remains an undertone

Like that hint of meanness in your voice

When you say the sweetest things to me

things could have been different

i wish the first time i was naked with a man

had been a moment filled with so much more tenderness

and patience

i wish undressing had taken longer, like a game of strip poker

for everything i learnt about you, a piece of clothing would come off

i wish you had taken time to explore my body

and let me take my time with yours

instead it was all so quick,

the closing of a door, the taking off of clothes

your tongue pushing past my lips, hands between my legs

consent asked for, consent given

sighs and moans

like two actors playing a scene in front of a camera

silly

And so I go back in time

Close to a decade ago

When things were much simpler

And I liked you

And you were mine

For the briefest time

And those same silly feelings

A nuisance, really; an inconvenience

I hear them at the door

Knocking and knocking

Telling me to indulge in this frivolous activity

Just one more time

When you hold me in your arms, pull me a little closer

There's a tenderness that takes me by surprise

For a moment, which feels much longer than it is,

We are something else entirely.

We never stood a chance

There's a finality to this

Your arm draped across my belly

The morning sun peeking through the curtains

Something tells me we will never find ourselves like this

Again

But then, we knew that didn't we?

We always knew this wouldn't last

So easily, casually naked around each other

So open with our bodies

But guarded with everything else

ridiculous

you will laugh now

scoff at the idea

but one of these days

you will look at a boy

-well, a man-

and realise that somewhere down the line

you will love this boy

with all you've got

and just as that thought

enters your mind

he will look different to you

something about those eyes

or lips

you'll think:

"those are mine

to love and kiss"

aroma/odour

We joke about a "cigar spirit", some long-dead relative

Hanging around the property, smoking his cigars, listening in on conversation

No one in the house smokes, and yet sometimes,

The waft of rich tobacco fills our nostrils

When Johnny Meowing, the first cat who claimed us when I was old enough

To take care of pets, old enough to understand the grief that comes with their passing,

Was sick, his kidneys failing, we lit incense sticks to keep the flies away

And even now, years later, the smell of citronella reminds me of him

Sepalika flowers are soft to touch, such a contrast to their leaves,

That one kind of jasmine, queen of the night, so small

Athamma, to me, is the fragrance of these flowers

Her coffin was filled with them, as was her wish

Calvin never made it to his fifth birthday, and in the months before his death,

Cleaning up vomit became almost a daily occurrence - we didn't mind it

Disinfectant wipes, although expensive, made things easier

Now, when I pull one out of a packet, I can almost hear his chatty meows

Whenever I think of you - rarely, now - it is the sickly-sweet smell of caramel that comes to mind

It always lingered on you, mixing with the smell of cigarettes and freshly-ironed clothes

Sometimes, as I unwrap a Delta toffee and pop it into my mouth,

A misplaced memory finds its way to my heart like a dart