Tender

And from him a tenderness

Unexpected

One you couldn't give me

In any of our shared moments

It takes me by surprise

For perhaps if your touch had been softer

Slower, kinder

Perhaps then I would have felt for you

In our many moments

What I felt in that one moment

With him

Firefly

The firefly in my room died last morning

Or at least I think it did

The previous night it flew around my room

Lighting up against the darkness of the night

The firefly even landed on my hand

A few seconds of rest

Before flying off again

When I awoke the next morning

I found it on the floor

Its little light kept blinking, as if

It was signaling for help

I picked it up and kept it on the windowsill

Thinking it needed sunshine and fresh air

The way we think dying plants with

Yellowed leaves and wilted stems

Need fresh air and sunshine

The way I thought you did

When those first signs of things not being right

Started appearing through the cracks in the landscape

Known as us

I left you outside to get some sunshine and fresh air

But when I came back to check on you

You were gone

And the firefly?

I never saw it again either

One last time

Maybe if we met one last time

Just for five minutes

And you said all the wrong words

And did all the wrong things

I'd realise I was no longer in love with you

plain jane

No one knows about the things that actually matter

The things you hold on to years after you've lost them

No one knew about you, even though we never tried to hide it

Years later, mutual friends are still surprised

Perhaps it was because we were such an unlikely couple

You were... well, you

And I was just plain old me

coconut

Crack my head open like a coconut if you must

Split it in half and reach in

Pull out the bits of my brain that don't do their job

Filling me up with anxiety and dread

Depression and sadness

Self-doubt and a fear of loss and

An inability to trust in the good things

Instead turning to constant worry about things going wrong

Don't bother with the psychoanalysis

It won't work

Just split my skull in two and

Pull out those bits of my brain that don't do their job

cordial

 

I turned around to see him walk towards us that night

When the sky was clear and the seas were calm

We smiled, said hello

He sat a few seats away from me

No one knew there was a shared history between us

I wouldn’t blame him if even he didn’t remember

Sometimes, I forget too

As the hours passed by and our bodies

Soaked up all that alcohol

We spoke more freely, laughing

Until he had to leave, but by then

I was too drunk to remember anything

 

I remember that night because while I was still only tipsy

I wondered what it would be like if it was you

Instead of him

The two of us in the same room, no one knowing what you

Once meant to me

 

Truth be told

I don’t think I could do it

Smile and say hello

Laugh over drinks

Pretend things between us

Are resolved

Today

Nothing matters today

The loneliness is packed in a box

Gathering dust on a cupboard

The unhappiness

Swept under a rug

The hurt, the pain I carry on my shoulders

Sit in a corner of the room

Today, I get to breathe

Inhale and exhale

Without the usual tightness in my chest

Today, I can speak without choking over

My words

I can smile without it

Masking how I truly feel

Today is the kind of day

I must hold on to

And remember

On days when the universe isn't

This kind

iridescent (part 2)

I don't remember you like I used to

Moments that were once treasured

Now forgotten

Like most things of the past

And people too

But there was this one day

When it rained from morn to eve

So gloomy and cold

A day of hot tea

And warmth like I've not known since

On this gloomy day

You wore uncharacteristically bright colours

And when we went outside

Against the dark grey sky

Was a rainbow

I look back to this day

And realise just how much happiness

And perhaps even love

I let fall through my fingers

Before the hopelessness sets in

Tell yourself a lie

Before the hopelessness sets in

Convince yourself that there is

Some truth to your words

These will anchor you

Help you keep your eyes on the shore

Even when the seas get rough

And skies cry and scream in agony

Tell yourself of the places you will visit someday

The man you will go on a date with

The drinks you will have with friends

Laughter, joy

A sense of belonging

Love

Tell yourself these lies

Before the hopelessness sets in

Before you find yourself

Staring at a wall for two hours

Feeling nothing

yclept (part 2)

The first thing I thought of when I saw yclept

-the word we are supposed to write or doodle about today-

Was you

But of course, I wouldn't dare

You only belong here, you see

What's funny is that as I sat down, thinking about you

Trying to come up with an idea that wasn't connected to you

Your name showed up on my laptop screen

And even though it was someone else with the same name as you

It made me laugh

The universe sure has a wicked sense of humour