This one's for you

They say you should never date a writer

(And I suppose, an artist or a singer)

Because you will find yourself in their work

 

Something you did or said

Will be done or said by a character in a story

And another will sit hunched over a book

Or smile after that first sip of hot tea in the evening

Sit under a mango tree with their eyes closed

Share a slice of cake in a quiet cafe

Just the way you once did

 

But this is not what you need to fear

Finding yourself in a hundred different works of fiction

I'd say is one of the perks of dating a writer

 

What you do need to fear is the documentation

Of the pain you left them with

The heartbreak, the rejection, the betrayal

The inability to love thereafter

Finding raw emotion in their work

And knowing you are responsible for it

 

Knowing others know you are too

For it's not difficult to put one and one together

When suddenly your pictures are taken off their social media

And their words take on a sad tone

 

Now that is what you should fear

About dating a writer

(And I suppose, an artist or a singer)

I'm so tired of this particular life

I'm so tired of this particular life

Whatever's good about it

I can't truly appreciate because I am consumed by a fear

Of losing it all

Of waking up one day and realising

None of those things had ever been mine

And whatever's bad about it?

Whatever's missing?

My mind uses it as ammo against me

You are useless because of that one thing you got wrong

No one will ever find you attractive. You are never enough

Pathetic really, that you still hope and yearn

I'm not looking for pity but...

Not being someone who others choose to be theirs

Isn't the worst part of it all

It is tough, true, but it is also possible to hide it beneath

Other kinds of love and wanting and needing

But to witness that game of noticing someone

Falling for them and fighting for them

That awful mating ritual us humans engage in

Watching everyone around you be a part of it

Falling for people, having people fall for them

All while you sit there, a mere observer,

Audience

But never participant

That, to me, is the toughest

Pandemic

The day you died, Aiya and I stood near the gate

Waiting for the ambulance

We heard the siren first, then saw flashing lights

And watched the ambulance go past our road

Before finding its way to our house

Where, in your room, on your bed, you were dying

That night, for a brief moment, I wondered if the neighbours already knew

But stayed indoors with the lights switched off because it was too soon

Hearing an ambulance was so rare back then, just a few years ago

I wanted to apologize for the noise

Who'd have thought that today, a few years later,

I'd wake up to the sound of sirens

I'd hear them while having breakfast

Or enjoying a glass of thambili

I'd go to bed, hearing the siren get louder and louder and then quieter and quieter

Who'd have thought that we'd hear them so often

They'd blend into the noises of the neighborhood;

Other vehicles, mobile vendors, music, birds

And when an ambulance drives down our road

And drives back a few minutes later

We now wonder if we'd get off with a bit of quarantine or isolation

Or if we'd wake up to find white flags fluttering in the wind

Arrack and coke

Maybe someday

We can sit across from each other

You sipping a cup of coffee

Not questioning my choice of beverage

At 11.30 in the morning

You tell me about your life

As I bite off half a french fry

You tell me about your wife

And kids

And I think about how I never stopped loving you

Looking for the yeti

I should have clicked on your profile

Snooped

Made sure you were living the life you told me

You wanted

I had a valid excuse

It was you who made your way into my life

With that one post on a group we are both apparently members of

But I resisted

I scrolled down, refreshed the page

Never searched for it again

Never searched for you

Maybe I was too afraid

Of finding out you got what you wanted

Expiry date

I read an old diary today

A diary from back when I knew you

I only mention you once or twice

In passing

Nothing that would stand out

If the reader didn't know what you mean(t) to me

Maybe it was because I was too shy, too scared

To share with any prying eyes what you gave me

Or maybe our moments together weren't significant

Because I didn't know back then they came with a

Date of expiration

Sad human

The saddest story would be that

I've lost all interest in life

The days pass and I wouldn't even notice

None of them matter

None of this matters

I almost found comfort

Control in pain

Last week

But I didn't go ahead with it

It wasn't worth the effort.

(This spent a few weeks in drafts)

Warnings

No one ever warns you about heartbreak

They tell you to talk to that boy

Fall in love with someone

Settle for whatever it is you get

But they never tell you about the heartbreak

You are left with after gambling with your life

After giving your heart to another

The kind of pain that is sometimes a deep gash on your side

And sometimes skin tightening around a healing wound

And, on a rare occasion, a mild discomfort that goes unnoticed

Cosmic dust

I love you the most

Because you don't give me a false sense of hope

That I am somehow worth noticing

In a room occupied by you

In a crowd,

You stand out like a queen

And I,

A few steps behind

Always a few steps behind

People notice you

Because like the sun

You outshine the rest

All the other stars, all the other planets

And I am nothing but

Cosmic dust

But there is no envy, only relief

You do not give me a false sense of hope

That just this once

Someone will notice me

Someone will choose me

And for that

I love you the most