Mundane

Sometimes

When I'm doing something mundane

Like chopping up some garlic

Or crossing the road

Going past a river

On my way to work

I wonder how good it would feel

To be pulled out of existence.

And I wonder if you'd

Miss me

Loss

And so this is what we are left with
Heartbreak and pain
Memories that feel like fire
Making skin melt
Feelings that feel like blades
Slicing into flesh
This is all we have
Now that we've loved and loved
And lost it all

Embers

It's in my bones
Burning like embers
Not as loud as a fire
But still as hot
It makes my insides melt
And skin burn
But there's nothing I can
Douse this with

This unhappiness within me
And everything else that
Tags along with it
Refuses to budge
I feel the strings that hold me together
Come undone
Snapping
One by one

thrill

Sometimes I wonder

If my heart fluttered

When I was with you

Because you awakened

Parts of me

I was previously unaware of

Or because

The thrill of being with you

Made my heart beat

Faster

Knowing this thing between us

Was forbidden

Knowing it was a secret, hidden

When you asked me if anyone knew

There was a certain glint in your eyes

The way your lips curled into a smile

Made me wonder about this need for secrecy

And your insistence on remaining mysterious

Is in itself was a warning

But it was a warning

I chose to ignore

Over and over again

Always on my mind

I haven't asked about you in a while
Progress, I'd say
But last month, when it was my turn to share
A sad story
I considered lying
Making something up just to get it over with
But then...
I thought about you
And finally told people the truth

It took me years
To admit out loud
How I fell for you
How you broke my heart

Silly

You silly boy

You think we don't notice

How hard you try

To get her attention

Your eyes light up

When she walks into the room

You forget the rest of us

When she's around

You do your best

To impress her

But then she leaves

Not even turning around

To look at you

And you sit there

Crushed

Deflated

We all notice this

So we always stay back

To pick up the pieces

She crumbles you into

 

And as you sit there

Noticing only her

I sit here

Noticing only you

Hollow

When they talk about love

I feel hollow inside

Like a vital part was forgotten

When I was being assembled

When they talk about love

I feel that emptiness within me

It expands and presses against my organs

Reminding me of what everyone else has

And I don't

The only way I know to love

You keep your distance from them
Never getting closer than a foot or two
You never want to know what they smell like
The perfume they use, buying a new bottle
Before the other is empty, making sure they never run out
You don't want to be jolted awake
As you walk aimlessly on a crowded street
Or sit lost in thought in a bus to work
And get a whiff of that same perfume
The one you once loved wore

You rarely see them, turning down invitations
You don't make them a permanent feature in your life
Because you will wake up one day
And look for them
Go crazy when you realize they are no longer within reach
And you don't want to remember what they look like
How they make you feel
The way their eyes light up when they smile
Or their lips tighten when they are even mildly inconvenienced
You don't want to remember anything about them
Because you never want to find that you've forgotten

You don't let them touch you
You flinch when they get close
Turn away when they come in for a hug
Because you don't want to feel that warmth
You will never again feel against your body
When they leave you
That surge of energy
That passed from their veins to yours
When they touched you that one time
Will never be felt when
Someone else's skin
Makes contact with yours

You don't dish out even a morsel of the love you feel for them
You give them no clue
You convince yourself you dislike them
Like this is some game played by kindergartners
Where you show affection through aggression and annoyance
But that is all you know to do
To keep yourself safe
To protect yourself from the heartache
They will leave you with

You push them away
Before they can get too close
You leave them before they can leave you
Because that's the only way
You know how to love

Crutch

It's getting harder now to pretend
The ground beneath me isn't shaking
The tremors climbing up my legs like thorny creepers
The tentacle-like darkness wrapping around my organs
Making it harder to focus to breathe to see to function
And I want to give into this... this weakness
I want to drown in this exhaustion
But there's always something
Or someone
That acts like a crutch
Keeping me upright and stopping me from
Surrendering

there's something about her

You're foolish for being so in love

With a woman that will play you

Like a good hand in a game of Poker

She will whisper sweet nothings and then

Squeeze her fist around your heart

She will run her hand over your smooth skin

And then slash it with a blade

She will demand all the love you have to give

And then throw it all away

But you know all this

You know that poison runs in her veins

And yet,

You continue to love her