I'm okay

Or maybe I don't miss you
Maybe I just feel bad
And the only way I can distract myself
From all these thoughts and feelings and everything why is everything so loud and tiring and let me just breathe
Okay
Maybe missing you is my way of
Pretending I'm okay

I miss you

Can't you say
By all these shit posts
That all I'm trying to say is that
I miss you

I miss you so fucking much.

Just do it.

I want you to slice apart my scalp
Crack open my skull
Take out the bad things in my head
Throw it in the ocean
Burn it in a fire
Destroy it somehow
And put my head together once again
Just so I can love you
Just so I can let you love me
Just so I can love myself
Just so I can.

To Johnny Meowing

It's getting worse
Those images of him
While he was dying
And we couldn't do anything
And I couldn't be strong for him

Those images
They flash in my mind
When the world is quiet
And I can't sleep
Like cameras clicking
Flash flash flash
He is dying
Can't breathe
Can't walk
Can't fight anymore

They haunt me
Make me feel sick
Scared
Angry
Hurt
I close my eyes tightly
Take deep breaths
Try to think of something else
But everything I know
Somehow reminds me of him

And I want to feel his soft body
Hear his purring when I rubbed his belly
Those little kisses he would give me
The love he was so full of

Baby
I miss you
And I'm sorry

Firsts

You are supposed to remember it all

Your first kiss
The day it happened
How it felt before
And how you felt after
How your lips tingled
Like the fizz of soda
Was beneath your skin
The body attached to the lips
That met yours
What you were thinking
Wearing
What led to that first kiss

Your first love
What they looked like
How they made you feel
How their presence filled your life
Their departure overwhelmed you

Your first heartbreak
How torn you were
How hot the tears were as they
Created little streams down your face
How everything everything everything
Reminded you of them
And pulled the pieces of your heart
Further and further apart

They say you remember your firsts
Because
There's nothing before them
No memories
No stories
They are the beginning
And beginnings are hard to forget

And yet
I struggle to remember sometimes

I yearn for a first kiss
Wonder why it has taken so long
And then I remember
That first happened
A while back
And I can't remember
The details of his face
How his lips felt
His tongue
The before and the after
How filled with joy I was

I forget his name
How it felt to be so full of a feeling
To love someone so deeply
Not some silly crush
But love love love

And on that day
When I'd known
-been told-
It was over
What had I been wearing
What had you been wearing
What had it felt like
Was it raining
What words did you use
How did I react
Did you see in my face how hurt I was

My mind is blank
I can't remember these firsts
They say we never forget

14 reasons why I didn't choose you

#1
I picked up a piece of chalk
And wrote and wrote
On this blackboard
And you walked up to me
Picked up the duster
And wiped it all away
Then you took the piece of chalk
From my hand
Covered every centimeter
Of the blackboard
With your tales
And shouted
'Read this. Read this. Read this.'

#2
 I can lift with my bare hands
The heaviest rock there is
But a mountain I can't move
You ignored the mountain
That wouldn't budge
And said 'Unlike me
You are strong'
And your words made me want to
Drop the heaviest rock there is
On your head

#3
You said:
Your truth is different to
My truth
You may be right
But I know
I'm never wrong

#4
Comparing
Comparing
Always comparing

#5
I'd have had to teach you
And I didn't want that weight on my shoulders

#6
For a reason unknown to me
Hurting you
Gave me pleasure

#7
You never focused on the bright blue sky
Or the gentle breeze that blew
You only saw the hint of grey
In the distant sky

#8
Through no fault of yours
You were nothing like him

#9
And your inability to be like him
Reminded me of him more and more

#10
Our worlds were built too far apart
That no bridge built would
Connect them for long

#11
Something about you
Set off alarms in my head
'Run! Run! Run!'
Warnings I couldn't ignore

#12
You were like
Tea gone cold
Melted ice
Over-baked cake

Useless now
Even though
Once you may have been
Good enough

#13
You wanted everything that I didn't want

#14
You were everything I didn't like

The things you can't know.

My grandmother died
In March
2015
It's the end of 2017 now
And I still break down in tears
I still forget sometimes
That she's dead

But a week or so after
She died
Her friend asked me
Over the phone
How I was
And I said I was doing well
And she asked me
If that was so
A question
An accusation

Even now
When I am asked
How I am dealing with her loss
I smile
Say it's part and parcel of life

Johnny Meowing
My baby
Died a couple of months ago
His kidneys failed him
But most of all
I failed him
And so he died
And I cried

But now
When people ask me
How I'm holding up
I smile
I say I'm fine

And yet
The truth that is this:
'Johnny Meowing is dead'
Pierces through my heart
Like an ice pick
So sharp

And I cry
When I'm alone
I struggle to understand
To accept
I hate this
Not having them
Not being loved
Anymore

But no matter how much I hurt
I smile
And say I'm fine
Whenever someone asks me
If I'm doing okay.

Even though I'm anything but
Fine.

Afraid.

When you love someone so deeply
That you are afraid of losing them
Do you let that fear overwhelm you
Or do you stop loving them?

Your name

And still
Saying your name
Out loud
Takes out of me
More than I expect it to
My chest feels heavy
My lungs empty
My head spins
My legs turn to jelly
And I look around
To make sure
No one else will hear me
As if admitting to what once was
Is a crime
And so I lower my voice
Take a deep breath
And say it
I say your name

The most beautiful

You were the most beautiful boy I knew
Although
I don't know that many boys
And of them
Few qualify as beautiful
But you did
You were the most beautiful boy I knew
And so rare was such beauty
That I let it blind me
And so I forgot that
Like angels can fall
Beautiful people can do some very ugly things

Funny guy

You thought my heart beat for you

My every breath was taken for you

Every moment lived was for you

You thought I was yours

But you were so far from the truth

It was almost comical

I’d have laughed

But I found an ounce of kindness left for you

Your heart was already broken at my expense

I didn’t have the heart to make you

The butt of my jokes

Anymore

Deep within

There is a place deep within me

And that’s where I’ve hidden you

So that no one can reach in

And take you away from me

When they ask me how I am

I say with no emotion on my face

Or in my voice

I am okay. I am okay. I am okay.

And they believe me

You can’t blame them

Because I am the one keeping secrets

Pretending that I no longer miss you

But when alone

When everyone has left

I reach in to that place deep within me

And let your absence possess me completely

Hunting

I couldn't stand you
Because you reminded me of something
I was trying so hard to forget
The chase and the catch
The hunt and the kill
Of a while back
I fell foolishly for
So much that I willingly
Trapped my foot in the snare
And let him add me to his collection
Of foolish prey
And you reminded me too much of that
Even though you were more like a
Clumsy hunter with butter-fingers
Your hunting gear, unpolished, inadequate
Your skills, even worse
And yet, something about you
Reminded me too much of him
And he fooled me once
But I wasn't to be fooled again

Linked

In an email from a website for professional networking
They suggested I connect with you
In a professional setting
Apt, I suppose,
Since sometimes it's clear that
We were nothing but colleagues
You would walk in, sit in a corner
Work silently, leave
I would try to ignore you
And yet, fail at it because
I didn't know you
And mysteries always attracted me
But here we are now
Removed completely from each others lives
Both real
And online
But this one site meant to keep things professional
Has gone and opened a Pandora's Box of emotion
In my heart.

Please leave

I did everything I could
To remove you from my life
I deleted your number
Unfriended you on Facebook
Unfollowed you on Twitter
Deleted our chat history
I did everything I could
To remove you from my life
And yet you continue to haunt
The corridors of my heart

What's the use

Maybe nothing is worth it
And in the end
I'd have burnt myself out
For nothing
Maybe that's why we are fed
Lies about love
Passion, success
Goals and dreams
A future we have to
Dedicate our today for
Just so we would find strength
In those lies
To go on ahead
Fighting the pain
The exhaustion
So maybe someday
Hopefully soon
I'll wake up and see
All these sleepless nights
Tears cried
Words written, erased and written again
Were all for naught

#MeToo

Me too

I can't say out aloud

Still ashamed of the way

I was touched once

A long time ago

Me too

I whisper

Wondering why I'd felt so bad

When it was he who felt the urge

To expose himself

Like that

Me too

I say

Fighting the embarrassment

That fills me up so quickly

Whenever I remember

How he had rubbed against me

In a crowded bus

Me too

I shout

Even if it makes my throat hurt

Because I'm tired of the guilt

I've felt for crimes not mine

Tired of the silence

That lets them walk away scott free

Art

It's okay, love
Choose her
Over me
Don't feel bad
You aren't the first
And you won't be the last
Everyone chooses her
Over me
I'm the painting in a corner
People linger at for only a moment
Almost out of obligation
Before moving onto
What really is art

Fear

It scares me
How easily we adapt to the
Absence or loss
Of those we love

It scares me
How easily we adapted to
What our lives became
After you died

It scares me
How easily I may adapt to
What my life will become
When those that remain also leave

Struggle

Sometimes

I don't even bother sharing

These words that are a struggle to string together

Because who are we kidding

I write them for no one

But you

Promises

I keep making promises
To stop writing about
For you
And I keep breaking them
How could I not
When you broke that first promise of all
To not break my heart
But I guess
Promises were never binding between us

Untitled

(Note: I'm clearing up an Instagram account that was a massive failure. Didn't want to delete these posts without putting them up somewhere)

All I could do

Was ask you to stay

And all you could do

Was leave

.. .. .. .. ..

I forgot

What it was like to be

So completely alone

In this world

I forgot

What life was like

Without you

.. .. .. .. ..

I suppose

Your palm didn't sting

As much as my cheek burned

When you slapped me with the truth

.. .. .. .. ..

Why have you returned?

Is it to tear me apart

Like you did before

Expose me

Dump me on a rarely-traveled road

Leave me for the vultures?

.. .. .. .. ..

At a certain point

In the middle of the night

It gets so quiet

Surreal

That I can almost feel

Hands

Reaching around my neck from behind

And squeezing tightly

Filled to the brim

There's no more room in my heart to love another
Because you filled it to the brim before you left
I'm scared of losing even a single drop so I stand still
And pray to god you gave me enough to live

Blunt

Thank god the scissors were sharp
And not blunt like you
(Now don't flatter yourself
I was blunt as in straightforward
You were blunt as in opposite of sharp)
Because if the blades hadn't made a clean cut
Between you and I
I'd have chosen to ignore my wound
And bleed to death
Than talk with you again

Sorry to disappoint

You said you liked me as I was
The whole package, all of me
The cake, the icing, the good
The bad, the flaws, the weaknesses
So I bore it all to you
Naked as the day I was born
And you realized you were wrong
I wasn't who you thought I was
And as I was revealed to be
Angry
Vicious
Petty
Bitter
And every other thing
That tainted your image of me
I hoped for once the truth would work
That it was the lies that drove everyone away
But there was no use in disrobing, exposing
Because before I could even take a breath
Blink or bat an eyelid
You had gone so far away
Realizing you had come for the young girl in Little Red Riding Hood
But got instead the big bad wolf

Festering

when you'd just left

and the wound was still so fresh

I needed you to tell me

that soon

it wouldn't hurt that much

picture me dead

now that would hurt

this leave of absence I'm taking

you'll live through

you said

I swallowed your words

every one of them

being the stupid girl

I always was

with you

and now I can tell you

if you'd died

the wound in your name

festering on my skin

would have healed

a long time ago

Pre-loved

You said the books you once treasured

Are now pre-loved

Meaning

No longer loved

No longer needed

No longer wanted

You were making room

For new books

Casting away the older books

With their slightly yellowed pages

And creased spine

Dog-eared from those days

When you didn't believe in bookmarks

You were giving them away

To anyone willing to love

The pre-loved, once-loved

And you didn't have the guts to call them

Used

Secondhand

Waste of space

Abandoned

And I can't help worrying a little

If someday

You will cast me aside too

Use that godawful term

Pre-loved

Because you don't have the guts to say

Not loved anymore

Tenses

Those goddamn tenses
In language
Is
When it should be
Was
Such small words
Both of them
But no longer can I
Speak of you in the
Present tense
You took that from me
The day you died
Three years ago, almost
But I still forget

Unfair

Surely it's not fair

That our hearts ache for

Those who left us

A long time ago.

Dust

What is a poem if it doesn't rhyme
What is your love if it isn't mine
What is the sun if it doesn't shine


What are words if they don't bite
What is sight if there is no light
What are we, you and I


Nothing but dust
Nothing but ashes
Nothing but sand
Too fine to touch

S/M

I was told

You'd be good for me

Get my mind off

The past

Move on

It was time

But I cut you off

Like I would

A piece of paper

That needs to be cut

You backed off

Didn't even make any attempts

Good for you

Don't even try

And someday

If you feel hate

Anger

Towards me

For what I did

Casting you aside

Like you meant nothing

Know this:

I wanted only to

Spare you the pain

Of my sadistic ways

Where my heartbreak

Feeds off another's pain

My words like whips

Actions like paddles

Hot wax burning your skin

Hands cuffed so you can't stop me

Spreader bar between your legs

So you can't run

Gagged so you can't plead

Scream in pain, for help

Is that what you want

Because that's all I can give you

Or are you a masochist

The yin to my yang?

Superglue

The glue that held together all the pieces
I shattered into when you dropped me from above
Always so careless, you were
The glue that made me feel whole again
Melts now in this heat
And I am left as nothing but a pile of broken pieces
No glue is strong enough to hold together
Until finally
My heart explodes
My lungs collapse
I breathe my final breath
And like broken bits of a glass dropped
Someone sweeps me into a dustpan
And throws me in the trash

Closure

I didn't believe in the need for closure
Until I realized I'd wasted the past four years
Waiting for someone
Who wasn't coming back

Shot

I guess I'll never know
if all this pain is because
you actually shot at me
or because
you pulled the trigger before I could

Forget-me-nots

There are days when I forget you completely
I forget how black your hair was against your fair skin
How warm your body felt on the coldest of days
Your voice breaking the silence I had begun to need to breathe
I forget everything about you
Everything you were to me
And just as I congratulate myself for
Finally getting rid of you
You push forth to the surface
Making me miss everything about you
That still makes my skin tingle
Blood flow faster and heart beat louder

Heavy

It's been four years
And I'm tired now
Of carrying with me
The weight you left
Behind
Come now
To me just once
Don't speak
Don't smile
Don't even look at me
Come to me now
So you can lift this weight off my shoulders
And walk away with the burden
That belongs to you

Untitled.

And so I just sit here and watch

As everything I built around me

The pretenses I kept up

Lies I told

Truths I hid

Crack and shatter and break

I just sit here

As everything comes crumbling down

And there's nothing I can do but

Helplessly watch

As my life falls apart

Skeletal remains

Of these leaves
All that remain are
Skeletons
Much like
The love that was ours
Back when the
Trees were heavy with
Leaves
So full of life
Like we were
Once upon a time

thief

You stole from me

The one place in which I felt safe enough to

Pour my heart out

Without having to worry about

The consequences

You stole from me

The one place I was comfortable enough

To be honest

Tell the truth

As it is

But if I were to tell you

About your offense

You would just laugh and ask me

  Have I ever made threats?

  Ever raised my voice?

  Hit you? Hurt you?

  All I did was

  Watch your every move

  In the place you are most yourself

  And you've forgiven people

  For doing much worse

But what you don't understand is that

You've taken away the safety net I had

To protect me from all these crimes much greater

And now, when I fall, there's nothing to catch me

I hit the ground

My bones break

I bleed and bleed

And you just sit there

Watching

Overstaying your welcome

Why are you still here

Overstaying your welcome

Don't you have someplace

Better to be?

It's been too long

Since you left me with

Skeletons and scars

Holding on to what you don't want

And if you insist on staying

Make room for others

It gets lonely sometimes

Left with only memories

It's all on you this time

You know that you can always talk to me, right?

And when I did

You told me it was

All in my mind

I was, on purpose,

Making life difficult for myself

I was being stubborn

Refusing to be happy

I am the shoulder you can lean on

And when I cried about

The loss of something

That meant the world to me

You told me to

Move on

This was just

Part and parcel of life

Friends tell each other everything

Is this why

I only found out about

That great big thing

That happened in your life

Through a status

You posted on Facebook?

I will always listen

Is this why

You didn't give me the space

I demanded from you

Over and over again?

Just let me in

I'm shutting you out now

And I won't take the blame

Because it's not me

It's all on you this time

And you ask me why I won't let you in

This is what people do

They barge in through the door
Leave behind a trail of
Muddy footprints
Let taps drip and drip and drip
Leave unwashed mugs and plates
In the sink
They sleep on beds you just made
Mix up your perfectly organized books
Shatter the silence with their voice
Disrupt the life you've made for yourself

And just as you begin to
Warm to their presence
Like them
Love them, even,
They walk out the door
Leaving behind
A mess for you to clean up

Fully booked

Don't you understand
That my heart
Has no space
To accommodate
Anyone else?

Do you not notice
There is no equivalent of a
'Rooms available' sign
For my heart
As if it were a motel?

Don't you see
How hard I'm pushing you away
Trying to be subtle, kind
But telling you
To leave?

Do you not know
That love
Of a romantic kind
To me
Is just a waste of time?

Why then
Do you keep banging on the door
Asking to be let in
Even though
You've been told to leave?

After a while

It becomes easy after a while

To pretend you're okay

So that no one knows

How much you are hurting inside

It becomes easy after a while

To lie, to smile

Make everyone believe

You are on cloud nine

It becomes easy after a while

To pretend the ground shakes no more

That your world is still

Quiet like it is for them

It becomes easy after a while

To stage a play

So that no one notices

When you slip away

Waves

It hits me in waves

This godawful truth that

You are gone

Without me

I worry sometimes
That I stripped you of
Any happiness
Smashed all your
Hopes and dreams
On the ground
Covering it with
Shards of glass
So you had to be careful
With every step you take
I worry sometimes
That you no longer smile
Your eyes no longer shine
You can no longer love

But then
Worse
I fear sometimes
That since I left you
On the side of the road
Like trash
You've built a life absent of any trace of me
That you've
Without me
Found happiness

Facebook friends

We are friends on Facebook

We like each others posts sometimes

We share posts the other has shared

We've been friends for months, years

Whenever I'm in one of those moods

And delete whoever I'm not really friends with

I skip their profiles

I let them be on my friend list

And yet, when we stand within arm's length from each other

We don't recognize, we don't acknowledge, we don't smile

We don't say we like their outfit even though

We go back home and like a picture they posted that day

This is what we are now

Friends

But not really

Strangers on Facebook

Silence

Silence for a week

As a fever crept up on me
When I wasn't looking
As blood test after blood test
Showed a decreasing platelet count
As medical jargon was thrown my way
And no one was quite sure
If I was going to be okay

As I sweated and then shivered
Swallowed pills that didn't go down smoothly
And threatened to come right back up
As I slept and slept and slept

As I shut myself out of the world
A headache making me cry in pain
Every single inch of my body
Aching for god knows what reason

Silence for a week

I had that at least
For a week
Seven days or so
My mind was too busy
To let you crawl your way to the front
And so

Silence for a week

And as twisted as this sounds
Thank you for that

Two is company

They say three is a crowd
But there's just the two of us
So everything should be fine
But then
Deep in my mind
My heart
If you search long enough
You'll find him
A third among us
A flag to claim
The most important parts of me
His territory
And no matter what you do
Or say
Or are
I will always consider
Him and I company
And you a crowd

Hasn't it been long enough?

You linger
Still
In my mind
Like the stale breath
Of a smoker
Who put down his last cigarette
A long time ago

Fine print

If you had ever loved me

Then it must have been like the fine print

Terms and conditions

We all agree to without even glancing at

Friends?

Would we ever have been able

To remain friends?

You with your refusal to admit

You led me on

That it was you who

Took that first unnecessary step

And me

Stupidly unable to follow instructions

Stupidly breaking the one promise we made each other

Stupidly falling in love

Would we ever have been able

To remain friends

When your heart had not an ounce of love for me

And all mine had was love for you?

Medusa

In the beginning

Your touch was soft

I felt safe

And we left the world behind

Walking

Hand in hand

The wind followed us

Making my hair dance

Almost like the snakes

On Medusa's head

And just as I was

Starting to love

My life with you

Your skin lost its softness

And your touch bruised me

We were now walking against the wind

Which carried fine sand with it

Making my skin burn

My eyes water

And I knew the end was near

Because as if afraid of

Turning into stone

You could never

Look me in the eye

Anymore

Opposites attract?

I don't care for opposites anymore

Opposites attract?
No
People are attracted to people
One being black
The other being white
Doesn't matter
Because the greys
The yellows, the blues
The pinks and other hues
They all fall in love

And happiness?
The opposite of sorrow
But those who are sad
Rarely look for happiness
All they want is to not be so sad anymore

And the calm that follows the storm?
Sunshine after rain?
A smile instead of a frown?
Love instead of hate?
War ending in peace ending in war ending in peace
Yin and yang?

Why not the forgotten
The usually unnamed
That lies between
The storm and the calm that follows
Rain and sunshine
A frown and a smile
Hate and love
War and peace
Yin and yang

That's what I want

Because
You and I
We aren't black and white
The sky and land
Right and wrong
Hot and cold

You and I
We are something else entirely

More than usual

I've been missing you more than usual these past few days

And maybe that's why I haven't been writing as much as I used to

Because everything I want to write is about you... about us

And I promised myself I won't drag you into my words anymore

Handholding (again)

He held my hand
And that was all
But it felt like a million fires
Were being lit
In my heart
You, the replacement
Touched me in so many other ways
But I was nothing but a matchstick
Long burnt out



(Sort of a continuation of this poem here, although the 'him' and 'you' are different people)

Handholding

I don't quite understand why

The memory of his tongue

Doing the tango in my mouth

Is less repulsive than

The memory of your hand

Reaching for mine.

It's okay to cry

We are ashamed of our tears

Because we are told they are a sign of weakness

And no one wants to be weak

But there's nothing wrong in feeling this way sometimes

We all have moments

When we can't take the next step

Because we feel a tremor in the ground beneath us

And fear it will slip away

Right beneath our feet

We all have moments

When we are so afraid

Because everything is uncertain

And we know there's no safety net

To catch us when we fall

We all have these moments

So why should we be ashamed

To admit

We are only human?

It's okay to be afraid

It's okay to be tired

It's okay to be weak

It's okay to cry.

Listen.

I will always listen.
My doors, my heart, are always open.
You know where to find me
When and if you need to talk.

They offer help now
Now that it's too late
Now that they know
They won't have to listen

Because they don't
They don't understand

How can such a beautiful person
Do such a horrible thing to herself?
No problem is so unsolvable
For you to cause such grief to your family.
She was so young
Too young to die.

For a minute
I beg you
Listen

Listen
Without assuming
Listen
Without judgment
Listen
Without comparing
Listen.

Just listen for five fucking minutes
And then you'll see
That no one is ever too beautiful to die.
No one is ever too young to die.
Family isn't -shouldn't be- the only reason to live.
A smile doesn't always stem from happiness.
And even if it does,
Happiness is temporary.

Listen
Before it's too late.

Switch

Apparently
There's a switch in my mind
Which lets me
Change how I feel

They say I keep it switched off
Even though a simple
Movement of a finger
A flick
Can switch it on
Flood my life with light

They say I'm being difficult
Trying too hard to be different
Seeking attention
Starving for it

And I'm not
So I look for this switch
When my thoughts are all tangled
And nothing makes sense anymore
When my entire body itches
The back of my knees
The inside of my elbows
When my fingers don't stop trembling
And I feel disconnected
When I see things
Even in the darkness
Things that don't exist
And it terrifies me

But I can't find this switch
That they promise
Will make me feel better
I can't find it
No matter how desperately I search

Hurdle

Like a hurdle

I can't jump over

Or walk around

You stand before me

Refusing to move

Refusing to let me go on with life

To move on

Almost afraid that

I will forget

All the pain you caused

Lurking

It isn't fair that

The people who tore you apart

Left you hurting

Never really leave you

Because they lurk beneath

Memories of better days

Waiting until you expect them the least

To pounce on you

Again and again

Embrace

It was almost as if you knew

How easily I would break

If you didn't hold me tight

One hand on the back of my neck

The other on my breast

Keeping me from tipping too much to the back

And falling out of your embrace

But you should have held me tighter

It just wasn't enough

Because

One minute I wanted

Not you

But what you could give me

And the next

I didn't

And you suddenly repulsed me

Your touch repulsed me

And I snapped

And broke

And nothing you did

-promising to be gentle

-giving me as much time as I needed

-asking me what I wanted

Nothing could put back the pieces

To make me as whole as I was

Before I shattered

In your embrace

Dam

I built a wall around my heart
A spillway in case I needed to let it all out
But it remained shut
Holding everything inside
And then you came along
Told me there was a need no more
To hide behind the wall
I had built around my heart

So I yanked it open that spillway
Which I hadn't thought of in a while
And waited and waited
You too, waited and waited
And nothing flowed out
Not a single drop
The sun had dried it all out
And now there was nothing left in me

Clot

There's a clot
Beneath my skin
Made of what
I'm not too sure
But there is pain
Dull but constant
Near my chest
It hurts
And this clot
Blocks the air
My lungs need
Not filling them fully
It hurts
I try to breathe in
1... 2... 3... 4...
Breathe out
1... 2... 3... 4... 5... 6... 7... 8...
But I can't
There's nothing filling my lungs
And this makes my heart
Slow down
And my skin tingles
I feel faint
I can't breathe
I can't function
And everything is so loud
Echoing in my head
Chipping away at my skull
Maybe my head will explode

I want to use something sharp
A blade, a knife, anything
To cut open my skin
So I can reach in
Pull out the clot
Just so I can breathe once again
But whenever I place cold steel against my cold skin
A voice inside my head whispers that
Nothing
Not even this
Will make it alright

Temples

It doesn't take long for things to change
And so I'm not surprised by how much has changed
Since I was a child
How things were just five or ten years ago

We were taught that white was the color
To wear to a temple
Because it is the color of purity
Because it doesn't hurt the eyes
Disturb the peace

We were taught to cover our bodies
Cover our arms
Our legs
Show as less skin as possible
Out of respect to a place of worship

We were taught to wear clothes that didn't
Hug our bodies
Like we cling to things in life
But hung loosely
Like a flower that so easily can be plucked
From a tree

We were taught to be quiet
And calm
You don't run in temples
You don't shout
Time slows down
And you don't fight it

These were never rules
But guidelines
Things we followed
Because they made sense

And now
When I go to the temple
Not even every full moon
But once in a blue moon
I wonder where these lessons about
What to wear
How to behave
Have gone
As an ache intensifies in my head
As I sit away from everyone
In the shadows
In white clothes
Two sizes too big
Straining to hear the sound of the bo leaves
Rustling in the wind

Out of speakers
Installed around the temple
A monk's voice
Booms and echoes
Exorcising the calm and peace
The temple is possessed by

The sound of sand crunching
Beneath feet
Running here and there
In a hurry to
Offer flowers
Light joss sticks
A race to finish first
This act of faith

Children scream
And giggle
Playing games
Around the white stupa
That is bright and white
Against the dark sky
And a few steps away
The bo tree sighs
Yearning for some quiet
In this place for worship
Meditation

And as I sit there I see
People dressed for parties
And summer days
Blouses with sequins
Shining like the stars above us
Men wearing shorts
Unconcerned about any dress code
Because
Men can wear whatever they want to
Right?

People pull at the back of their tshirts
As they sit down
As comfortably as they can
In those skin-tight clothes
That seem to have shrunk a size or two
Since they bought them
And are of so many different colors
The only white that can be found
Is among the flowers they offer
Or the pahan thira that burns slowly

And I sit there wondering
When this place that made my mind calm
Made it easier to breathe
To think
To understand
Became a place that is so loud
It makes my head ache
And I wonder how
In a country that boasts of its
Rich Buddhist culture
The only things at peace in a temple
Are the lifeless statues of the Buddha

Impatient

.

If you weren't so impatient

It would have been you who was shown the way out

But you couldn't wait

Not even two weeks

And so it all happened

The other way around

You told me to leave

And I had no choice

And since then

I've been asking people to leave

Before it's too late

Because what's worse than being abandoned

Is having to walk out the door

Before you are ready to say goodbye

.

Men don't belong in the kitchen

Men don't belong in the kitchen

Where onions are chopped

Making tears flow

Where karapincha sizzles in hot oil

Getting ready to drown in a delicious curry

Men don't belong here

Where food is cooked and served

By the women

The women who run the kitchen

The household

The unappreciated backbone

Forgotten engine

Men don't belong here

Where they eat as much as they can

Without caring if there's enough food for everyone

Complain there isn't enough salt

The food isn't warm enough

Chicken instead of fish would have been better

And then belch

Proud of how loud they are

Just men being men

And then they wash their hands

Watch a little TV

Go to bed content

Not for a second wondering who will

Wash all the pots and pans

Plates and spoons

That are piled high in the kitchen sink

Men don't belong in the kitchen

Because that's where women belong

Where they cook and clean and

Eat only what's left over

Even though their stomachs scream for food

Just as loudly as their feet scream for rest

And a boy

Too young to know where he doesn't belong

Asks his mother

If he can cook that day

Although he doesn't even know

How flour and coconut and water and salt

Turn into hot hot roti

He does know that

His mother is tired

Too tired to cook

But she says to him

Don't worry about it

I'll make dinner for us all

Go and do your homework

And anyway

Men don't belong in the kitchen

Hair

Why did you cut your hair
They still ask
Although it has been weeks
Or even months
I can't quite remember
Anymore
But it's been long enough
And yet
They keep asking me
Why did you cut your hair
It -you- looked so much better
Before

And I just smile
Tell them I was sick and tired
Of all those curls
But what I was really sick and tired of was
Not what was on my head
But in the heads of others
That made them assume
It was oh so totally acceptable and understandable
To make the silliest jokes
Say the crudest things
Stare as if I was not even human

And now that my hair is no longer a mess of curls
That make people stare
Ogle
Call out to me
I'm invisible
I'm a plain Jane
That no one bothers to even look at

And that's exactly why I cut my hair
Even though that's not the reason I give you
When you ask me why I cut my hair

Rain

You were standing in the rain
A thousand people around you
A smile on your face
And that's when I knew...


A woman stands next to you
Her bag pushes against your elbow
As she bends down slightly
To hold her umbrella over her child's head


A man rushes past you
Holding up his briefcase
To keep away the rain
From soaking him completely
Although already
He is pretty darn drenched


A child giggles away
Turning in circles
He'll soon be dizzy
His clothes
  secondhand
Cling to his thin body
As he spreads his arms wide
Catches raindrops as they fall from the sky


And there you stand
Looking straight at me
A look in your eyes
One I've never seen before
And that's when I know
You are here to stay

Someday

Someday

I will read these words

And blush

My cheeks turning red

Like fire

Because how could I have been so silly

And written such cheesy poems

How could you have

Such an effect on me?

But today, here, now

My mind is filled with thoughts

That will make a future-me cringe

And a future-you laugh