The things you can't know.

My grandmother died
In March
2015
It's the end of 2017 now
And I still break down in tears
I still forget sometimes
That she's dead

But a week or so after
She died
Her friend asked me
Over the phone
How I was
And I said I was doing well
And she asked me
If that was so
A question
An accusation

Even now
When I am asked
How I am dealing with her loss
I smile
Say it's part and parcel of life

Johnny Meowing
My baby
Died a couple of months ago
His kidneys failed him
But most of all
I failed him
And so he died
And I cried

But now
When people ask me
How I'm holding up
I smile
I say I'm fine

And yet
The truth that is this:
'Johnny Meowing is dead'
Pierces through my heart
Like an ice pick
So sharp

And I cry
When I'm alone
I struggle to understand
To accept
I hate this
Not having them
Not being loved
Anymore

But no matter how much I hurt
I smile
And say I'm fine
Whenever someone asks me
If I'm doing okay.

Even though I'm anything but
Fine.