Miss you, miss me

I miss being the person you knew

I miss that time of my life

Waiting for you to

Join me for lunch

Talking about crows and books

Like we had all eternity

Learning about your life

Your family

Loving you in the only way

I've ever loved a man

I miss who I was

When I was with you

But I also miss who I was

Without you

How free I was, how hopeful

How the future seemed to stretch before me

I loved and laughed

And was surrounded by people

Who loved and laughed with me

Back then

We had so much time for each other

Not just you and I

But we all did

We had so much time

Back then, before husbands and wives

Children and loans and dead parents

Funerals and weddings and

Jobs we didn't like

I miss who I was

When it was you and me

And it felt like

We had all the time in the world

Bystander

I've always been a bystander

Keeping you company while you smoked

But never taking up the habit myself

I was a bystander to your love

You loved her, vowed to love her

Through it all

And I stood there

Not even wondering if it would

Ever be my turn

Life passes me by

It did back then

And it does now

I watch it go past like a

Feather in the wind

A feather I can't grab

Sometimes I wish I would die

Because then, I'd no longer be a bystander

I'd be at the centre of it all

And you'd watch on

From a distance

Or at least,

I hope you would 

Her face

Her picture

In my inbox

You sent me her picture

This is her

You said

And there she was

An ordinary face

Such an odd choice

I thought

I thought

Of you yesterday

What you must be doing

If you were happy with life

With her

If you wanted more

Secretly

Secretly

We held hands

So no one else would

Know

And so, no one else

Knew

When my heart broke

When I one day found

Her picture

In my inbox

Noodles

And just like that,

One message

And we are done

I respond

And leave my phone on my bed

Walk to the kitchen to

Make dinner

Do you need my help?

My mother asks

Yes,

I want to tell her.

Not with the food

But this grief I must now endure

Grief over the loss of

Something

She didn't even know was

Mine

But the noodles are cooked and

Ready to be taken

Off the heat

The eggs need to be boiled

The shrimp sauteed

All so manageable

Compared to the task

You've left me with

oceans

There are oceans between us

The waves swallowing your words

I lose you to the sand

The water, the salt

Even the wind takes you from me

It stings,

When the waves hit my skin

But they can’t take me with them

To you

They can’t fill my lungs

So I don’t have to breathe

Grief

Where do we store our grief

For safekeeping

When our pockets are full

Already

And our hearts and lungs

And kidneys

Are about to burst

Where does our grief go

When it's been one loss

After another

And what we carry in our hands and mouths

And on our shoulders

Are slowly slipping from our

Grip

rain

My hair is wet

Like I've just showered

But it's just sweat

The sun vengeful today

The rainbirds sing

And I hope for rain

Their cries as they fly past

A false promise, I learn soon

I wait for rain

Like the parched earth during drought

I wait for you

Like a kingfisher watches its prey

Typos

One fine day

two keys on my laptop

the troublesome @

and the much used "

decided to switch places

After a few days

and a lot of cursing

my left middle finger

reached for the 2/@ key

to open and close quotes

and my right pinkie

reached for the '/" key

when typing an email address

And now

the troublesome @

and the much used "

have gone back to their

designated places

allowing me to type

exactly what's stamped on the

tiny grey keys

All of yesterday and the day before

I opened and closed quotes with an @

and typed quotation marks in

my emails

Today

everything is back to normal

I don't have to think twice before reaching for a

key

I don't find myself muttering expletives

or having to retype anything

How easily things change

and then go back to the way they were

our brains rewiring and adapting

over and over again

Hands touching hands

You make me want

I want to feel you next to me

Your skin against mine

Legs intertwined

No space between us

You make me want

In your giving and my wanting

There is an urgency, a hunger

It leaves us breathless

Eyes closed, chests beating, hands wandering

You make me want

Not more

Not less

This exact amount of

Needing and not needing

Scratches

Minor pleasures we gain from

Minor inflictions

Not deep purple bruises

Or gushing wounds

Mere scratches

That you mayn't even notice

Until the lime you cut

For a sambol

Stings

Minor inflictions, we tell ourselves

Don't matter

Won't leave a scar

Guilty pleasures, these are

We wouldn't even admit

But it's true, isn't

Guilty of it, I am

Just as you are

Look at us,

Hurting each other

For some fleeting pleasure