Just one of those days

On some days the batter is lumpy

Flour refusing to incorporate with sugar and egg

The cake burns in the oven

Despite there being ten minutes left on the timer

Your beautiful sponge is dry and dark

Shrinking as the clock ticks

And one of the good layers breaks in half as you try to

Place it on the turntable

A spoonful of frosting falls on the table

And what does get slathered on the cake

Melts because the cake is still too hot

So you give up, scream in frustration

Sit on the floor and ignore the cake

You should have just bought instead

And the waterworks start

Dripping down your face like the too-pink frosting

Dripping off the turntable and on to the table

On some days you are as big a mess

As the cake falling apart in your kitchen

There, I said it. Happy now?

On nights like this, I struggle to ignore that godawful truth

It's embarrassing, especially given my age

And the mask that resembles a brave face I hide behind

But hey, today, I'm just a little too tired to keep it in

To pretend that everything's okay

That our family of five that became four that became three

Will soon become two

That I have to smile through every single thing

Friends family whoever

Does that steer us more and more away from

How things are

I usually pretend none of this affects me

That I'm in control

That I like the direction in which my life is headed

But today, my feet ache a bit too much

Breathing feels like a chore and crying seems to be a thing

We now do for no reason, with no warning, at the oddest times

My fingers can barely make it across the keyboard

So let's get this over with

The goddamn truth

I'm so fucking lonely.

sunsets

Outside, the sky is pink

Like exposed skin

From when your arm rubs against a wall

As you are pushed against another

It will turn orange soon

Like the anger that spits and crackles inside

That heart that once couldn't contain its love for you

And then darkness

A blue that is almost black

The moon will be bright

A scattering of starts

This is what you see when you close your eyes

Against the violence

When the pain is too much

And you can't cry out

Today, the evening sky is a reminder

Of the day you got that black eye

The bruise on your leg

The day he first hurt you

Starting with words and then a slap

A punch and then a kick

And then two and three and more and more

But yesterday, the evening sky reminded you

Of roses and lilies and daisies and iris

Baby's breath and jasmine

Hibiscus and anthurium

Sunflowers and dandelions

That first bouquet he brought home

Lies hidden beneath those soft petals

Pills

While looking for something in a cupboard

I found your pill organiser. Plastic. Once white

Now covered in the faintest layer of dust

It hasn't been touched in five years

That's how long it has been

It rattled when I picked it up. It wasn't empty

Pills you had planned to take

But never got around to taking

Pills that, in the end, didn't matter.

They didn't extend your time with us

Online dating

May be the reason I keep swiping left

On man after man

Not pausing to consider

Take a closer at their pictures

Interests carefully added

To seem interesting

Chill with a cold beer?

Talk over coffee?

Meet for pizza and wine?

A cattle market, really

This hellhole of an app

Is because I keep hoping that someday

I'll come across your profile

That I'll see your face again

And I'll spend a good five minutes or more looking at your pictures

Reading all the tidbits of information you've

Included about yourself

And I'll swipe left, of course,

Close the app, delete it

And I'll wonder if you came across my profile

And if you did, whether you noticed it was me

And if you did, whether you went left or right

Please forgive me

I remembered you with anger

I convinced myself that you were

Cruel and evil

It was easier that way

But now I remember you

The real you

Kind and sweet and caring

Attentive and patient and lovely

You were wonderful and

You gave me something wonderful

But I was too young to let go

Of you, of our time together

And so I dressed you in wolf skin

I called you names, I hated you

I hurt you.

Forgetful

I always thought this anger and hurt

Unhappiness and tiredness

Were a recent addition to my life

But today, I read a diary from 2012

And there was so much hurt and anger

Tiredness and unhappiness in it

And fragments of memory came to me

As I flipped through the pages

It surprised me that I had forgotten

At the same time, I couldn't help but wonder

If nine years from now, if by 2029,

I would have forgotten all about the present

What if it's not too late

What if

What if there is still time?

Bloody onions

I cried thrice today

Well, twice in bed so they count as one incident

I don't know why I cried but

One minute I was fine, the next I wasn't

(we are simply going to ignore the fact that

you've been on my mind lately. a lot.)

Another was when I typed the last word for the day

And pressed send on that email

Something came over me, a wave of relief and sorrow and exhaustion

And the third time was in the kitchen

While I was cutting onions for dinner

I stood there, head raised towards heaven

Blinking out tears, my eyes were burning

I cursed this bloody root vegetable

Or whatever the hell an onion is

I cursed my weak eyes

The dull knife

I cursed myself

And I cursed you.

Some people are just lucky

Perhaps it still hurts

Because I wanted you to

Fight for me

Even though, deep down,

I know you would never

Put up a fight

For her,

Yes

For me,

No.

I'd settle for crumbs

Just once, I want someone

To take me out for dinner

Wine under the stars

I want to feel like I'm not invisible

That someone has seen me

Noticed me

Decided that I am the one they want to

Spend the evening with

I want them to give me hope

Of love and affection and lust

Even if they then crumble that hope

Like it's nothing but a biscuit

No one cares for

I would choose that pain in a heartbeat

If it came wrapped in joy

Fuck you for doing this to me

There's a stage of heartbreak

When it feels physical

Like someone tore open your skin

And pulled out a still

- although barely -

Pulsating organ

You feel this so deep within you

That you must lie down

Focus on your breath

Press a fingernail

Into your wrist

Pull off clumps of hair

To remind yourself that

As the pain glows like embers

In the fresh cavity in your chest

You are still alive

You have not been spared

Shown any mercy

By this unkind universe

Lost and found

Finding something you thought you lost

In the same condition it was in

Fills you with a sense of hope

That everything else you lost along the way

Will be returned someday

Making your life whole again

Everybody is lonely

The only thing that gives me comfort tonight

Is the knowledge that I'm ironically not alone

In feeling lonely

Desire

I want to be desired by someone

To feel like I can't breathe

Like my lungs can no longer function

I want someone to choose me

From a room full of people

To want me

To make me feel like someone

Worthy of being loved

Oh so happy

I want my happiness to last longer

For it to not be mere moments

I can barely hold in my hand

I want happiness to last hours and days

Months and years

I want to be happy throughout my life

Wake up with feelings of hope and

Expectation

just one thing

i wish you'd turned to me

and kissed me that day

in the dark

so no one could see

i wish you'd had the guts to do that

just so i wouldn't now be left with

memories with someone

i never cared for

extremes

You had a filter on

All this time

That turned you into this

Magical creature

You seemed too good

To be real

You seemed too pure

To walk this same earth

As the rest of us

And every word you uttered

Sounded like music

but now,

that magic has faded

and i see you

as you are

lips dark and dry

skin ashen

like furniture gathering dust in a corner

old and falling apart

and your voice

like chalk against the board

Intrusive

When will it end

These thoughts about death

And when it will happen

And how I will do it

When will I be able to

Enjoy a moment

Without wondering

How I will die and

How I will do it

Pour me another

A shot of arrack

A splash of cola

Was all it took

To get over you

Replaceable

And so it turns out that

It is easier than I thought

To stop loving you.

Dust

On some days

I do not want to move

A limb

I want to lay there

On my bed

And let the mattress

Swallow me whole

I want morning to turn into

Noon and then night

I want days to pass

Seasons to change

Lightning and thunder

Sunshine and rainbows

I want the world to go on

To never stop going in circles

Round and round and round

The sun

And as children grow up

And adults grow old

Trees die

Buildings change

I want to be a girl

Who once refused to leave her bed

And turned into dust

You

I miss you

I miss what we have had

Dead end

You find yourself

Distanced from the crowd

These people you love

Wondering when

You became this unhappy

And that's the moment that

Scares you the most

Because it feels like

There is no coming back

There is no way out of this

Our song 2

It turns out

That I was having a delayed reaction

To what may always be

Our song

Even though

We never danced to it

Or listened to it

More than once

Our song

That one song that was ours

That always reminds me of you

It played among others

And after years of it being our song

Today

It was just a song

Nothing but a fool

Am I being foolish when I hope that this present

that keeps us apart

Will lead to a future in which we are together

once and for all?

dinner

The fork has pierced through the tube-shaped pasta

It sits there, on the plate, surrounded by sauce

And more of the pasta, some sausage too

I look at it and my tummy almost growls

But it doesn't make even a half-hearted effort

To make my hunger known

The fork almost beckons me

Asking to be lifted up from the plate to my mouth

Placed back on the plate after I've pulled the pasta into my mouth

Chewing slowly, swallowing

But my hands are limp in my lap

I want to move them but my mind whispers that

I am just too tired for any of this

this is what you do to me

Sometimes

When we sit next to each other

Talking about the most

Mundane things

I want to lean into you

Rest my head on your shoulder

Close my eyes

And let go of the world

You do that to me

You make me feel at peace

rain

My fondest memory of you

Is a rainy day in Colombo

I didn't think I'd see you

But there you were

Sunshine on a gloomy day

And we walked outside

Under your umbrella

Stepping over puddles

Laughing

Two happy people*

*I would have preferred

To end this by saying we were

Two people in love

But let's not kid ourselves or

Abuse our poetic license

Sour

Flour, water, sugar
A bit of Marmite to help
The starter along
Days of monitoring
Certain the yeast was dead
But finally, a loaf
Almost twenty-four hours in the making
Not counting the eight days
Of daily feeding
To keep the starter alive

And as I slather butter on
A slice
Bite into it
Get used to how sour it is
- they really meant is when they called it sourdough -
I wonder if I'd ever have made
Such an effort for you
With us

To be deleted

He sat across from me
Wine in our glasses
Stars above us
His eyes were beautiful
The night was lovely

He inhaled and exhaled
Next to me
Already asleep
His body almost touching mine
And I lay awake
For a little while longer

And on both nights
Nothing in me stirred
Because neither of these men
Were you

Heartbreak No. 01

I wish I'd done things differently
And chosen a boy who wouldn't
Break my heart
The way an axe is slammed
Into a log of wood

I wish I'd chosen someone kind
For that inevitable Heartbreak No. 01
Because you left
Slamming the door behind you
And with you went the trust
I had in people, in love

Love

And maybe I will never know
What love is

What it's like to wake up to
A cup of coffee by the bed
Breakfast on a plate
A kiss goodbye
The day spent apart
But always together
Coming home to an
Empty house
That is soon occupied
Once again by
Two people in love
Their books with mine
Their music playing
In the living room
They whistle a tune
As they go about the house
Tending to minor chores
As dinner for two is served
On the table in the pantry
Plates washed and dried
Going to bed
One that isn't cold or empty
Falling asleep next to
Someone I love

I will never know what this
Feels like

Conserve

You ask me how I am
"All okay?"
And I want to tell you
Everything
How rotten I feel
How my skin doesn't seem to fit my body
How loud it is inside my mind
How truly awful it is
But it all takes so much energy
And I can't be wasteful
So I tell you
"All okay"
Seven letters
Two words
That is all
I can give you
Today

1am

It's one o'clock in the morning

  Can this time of the day

  Even be called morning?

But I'm awake and I'm tired

And I keep wondering about

This one thing

Who would I be

If things were different?

What if I'd never met you

Or anyone else

What if my father never left

And my parents were happy

What if I was smart

And aced my exams

What if I was happy

And never sad

What if things were different

What if things were good

Would my life be a whole lot different?

Would it be the 27th of

April twenty-twenty

Would it be one in the morning

And would I still be awake

Unable to sleep?

Easter

This year
No one brought it up
The usual family lunch
On Easter Sunday
We were under curfew and couldn't
Leave the house even if we wanted to

Last year
My aunt called me
Said they will see us the next weekend instead
Because there are all these explosions
And no one knows what's
Happening

The year before that
I don't know what happened
We broke tradition
Because usually one of my father's siblings
Would host Christmas lunch
And the other
Easter lunchBut that year we decided that
No one would cook this time
We would all go and dine
At a hotel
On Easter Sunday

Ghosts

While I was asleep
The ghosts in my room
Tore up some sandpaper
And softened the sharp edges
I use to keep people away

And now my heart melts
Like butter
When I'm with you
And I hate it
I hate it

Magic

We should let each other go
While we are still so happy
Staying another day or two or three
May make the magic wear off
And we will be left with nothing
No sparkle, no beauty
Just two humans
So utterly wrong for each other

Joy

I envy you your happiness
All that joy
For one person
It isn't fair
What about the rest of us
Do we not get a morsel at least
To hold on to?

You and I

What you and I had
It was too easy to be love
Hell, I don't think we even
Liked each other that much

Band-aid

Your apology is a band-aid

But the wound runs deep

Skin parted from throat to navel

Blood oozing out

colombo

Colombo is so small

And everyone knows

Everyone

And yet, you seem to have

Slipped off the grid

Disappeared into its grime and dust

Forever 

sleep

And so I fall asleep

With the sound of rain outside my window

Darkness enveloping me tenderly

A deep loneliness growing in my heart

Its sharp edges pressing against the walls

Of this weak organ that keeps me alive

Ownership

You snip at her feathers
Cut off her feet
Her tongue
You rob her of her voice
And like a cat pisses to mark its territory
You claim her

50/50

Perhaps
Twenty years from now
We will look back at this time
Of my life
And laugh at how tough
It all seemed
Or maybe
You will look back
Twenty years from now
And wonder
If we would have ever pictured a future
From which I am absent

Time travel

I want to rewind

Go back to a time

When I didn't know you

But you were elsewhere

Yesterday
After everyone had left
And I had too
Walked into an empty house
Locked the door behind me
Enveloped by silence
Not even a clock ticking somewhere
The end of the night
Approaching
When I was so so alone
In that moment
I wanted you

blossoming

From the five millimetre incision

She allows herself

Every other night

A red flower blooms

Its petals veined like

Butterfly wings

Where the skin creases

Wrinkles

Lines crisscrossing

At the wrist

Between hand and arm

Pain

Light

Like a feather

Flutters against the cut

That doesn't run deep

That won't leave a scar

It's safer this way

For her

She doesn't need to hide in shame

The release she allows herself 

shut up

Fallen stars

In the ocean

  Just ships

  In the distance

Always stomping

On my fantasies

Setting fire

To my dreams

Incomplete

It feels like I came apart
And I'm putting back the pieces
Making myself whole again
But somehow
Some of the pieces got misplaced
And now there are empty spaces
Where parts of me used to be

I am me
The same person I was yesterday
And the day before that
But somehow
I'm not entirely
The same person either

sweet and sour

You make sweet caramel toffees

Turn sour in my mouth

Pinching at my tongue

Inside of my cheeks

Because that sickly sweetness

Reminds me too much of you

The one thing I haven't yet forgotten

That perfume you wore everyday

Caramel goodness

With hints of cigarette smoke

And undertones of a

Freshly ironed shirt

That's what I remember of you

Not your face, your voice

The way you looked at me

All of that has been forgotten

But this

It turns sweet toffees

Sour

14 days

You give yourself two weeks
Fourteen days and it will all get better
It will hurt less
You will feel the sadness
Drain away
Making way for joy
Two weeks
You tell yourself to hold on
For fourteen days
Because your blank page, slate
Awaits you
And you can start afresh

It's the thirteenth day now
And all I feel is
Myself
Slipping away

Today

The floor beneath my feet is flat
It always has been
I would know
I have walked on it all my life
But today
I have to steady myself against furniture
Older than I am
Because today
The floor is made of a thousand pieces of Lego
That keep moving ever so slightly

I haven't seen a rat inside the house
Since I was a child
In the garden
There are a few
But they never step indoors
We have the occasional roach
Scorpion, centipede
But today, shadows dart across the floor
From table to cupboard
Hop from chair to chair
I know they are not there
But I see them
I do

I am not sick
No fever, no cold, no sore throat
No food poisoning
No flu, no illness
And yet, I have to fight the need to empty my insides
Taking deep breaths through my mouth
Hoping it fights the need to
Vomit

Today
I am not okay
My lungs are within a tight fist
My skin itches
And my head hurts
Inside, my mind twirls
Tries to focus on words
But fails

Today
I am
Not
Okay

enough

I've been punished long enough

For giving my heart away

To a man who didn't deserve it

It's been so long that I can't even

Remember what it felt like

To be that broken hearted

So maybe my scars have healed

Maybe it's time to move on

So please let me love again

incomplete

Each time you touch me

You take a little bit of the sand

That fills my insides

As soon as you leave

I frantically swallow a handful

Of grainy sea sand

But you take more than

I can replace

You take more than I have

Not you

There was a moment that passed between us
When it was too late for my thoughts to make sense
When we had downed way too many drinks
There was a moment when I felt something
The tiniest of fires being lit within me
No one had made me feel like this in months
Years, perhaps
But I turned away, I had to
I couldn't just reach out and pull you to me
I couldn't feel your skin against mine
Not with you, never with you
There was way too much at stake

toxic

You make me sick

The way you grab on to

My heart

Squeezing out all the love in it

Throwing the bruised muscle away

Like it didn't just kill me

You make me sick

The way you use your words

Coated in honey at first

Sickly sweet

Soon turning bitter

Making me gag

Making me retch

You make me sick

The way you look me straight in the eye

Telling me you care

All while pressing thumbtacks

Into my arms

My neck

Laughing when I wince in pain

You make me sick

The way you leave behind a trail of hurt

Of viciousness

All while the world applauds

Your kindness

Your generosity

You make me sick.

joy

The joy that seemed to radiate from you

In your smile, your laugh

Was almost palpable

And as the night stretched into dawn

And your joy remained the same

I was afraid it'll evaporate like

Water left in the sun 

skeleton

You slice off a part of you

When you detach yourself from her

And blood drips, leaving a trail of red

That leads her to you once more

She sits next to you, threaded needle in hand

And slowly attaches a part of you to her

When your skin starts rotting

Her poison slowly seeping into you

You once again slice off a part

Of your body and walk away

And in the end

All that's left of you

Are skeletal remains

You are nothing anymore

And she's got all of you

care a bit, maybe?

You give me nothing

And I give you all I've got

But maybe this whole thing works

Because you don't care

And I do 

why didn't we?

Maybe we should have gone on one date

You and I, not hiding in a group of people

Reaching for each other only when

No one else was looking

Maybe we should have had one day

Just for us

A memory to hold on to years later

When we turned into strangers

Why didn't we ever do this one thing?

checkmate

I forgive you

Utterly and completely

For having zero regard

For how I feel

It's as if I don't exist

Unless you need me

A pawn in your

Endless games

And I'm tired now

I won't put up a fight

So do whatever you want

See if I care

Words

Take my half-formed sentences and complete them
And when the days get worse, you will only get words
Mix and match them until they make sense
Everything does, even the letters you get
When my brain is too weak to string together those odd lines and curves
To make words that make sentences that make paragraphs that make sense
Even though nothing makes sense in my head anymore
Lay it all out and organise it and present it to the world
So that they don't know that I'm crashing
That I'm falling
Only you have permission to see me at my weakest
So take my hand under the table where no one can see
Squeeze it to keep me awake, alert
And take my letters, my words
And make sentences out of them
Be my voice when I struggle to find my own

sad singles

It has started early this year

Promos for romantic dinners for two

The prices of flowers jacked up

Throw in a box of chocolates for a small discount

Plan your dates in advance

Be blinded by all the red

So much of it

Roses and hearts and wine and love

It's all so red

Like blood

And I absorb it all

Watch as people embrace this commercialism

Of... What? Something sacred?

I scoff at the idea

Laugh at this stupid celebration of love

How embarrassing it must be to partake in this nonsense

I pretend that none of this bothers me

I laugh and insult

And hope it hides just how lonely I am

Behind this crumbling facade

something fishy

Your body against mine that night

So close, skin against skin

I could have reached around

And wrapped you in an embrace

That transfers some of your pain

Into my empty heart

Instead I stood there

Hoping my presence was sufficient

To drive away your demons

Just for that night

And I wish I felt warmth in our closeness

That I felt your heart beat, lungs expand and contract

I wish I felt how alive you and I were in that moment

Instead your body

It felt like raw fish

And it took everything in me to not recoil in disgust 

sweet

You wrapped your lies in sweet sugar paper

Fed them to me one by one

Stupid as I was in your arms

I swallowed them without any hesitation

Make it stop

We didn't have much as kids
An old TV we rarely sat in front of
No parties with bouncy castles and magicians
Home-cooked meals, the rare Happy Meal
But we had an old suitcase full of toys
Among the dolls and cars and building blocks
Were two bright red View-Masters
We would slip in the reels and watch as one image was switched for another
Mickey Mouse, Daisy Duck, characters we loved
We'd press on the orange clank and snap! a new image was before us
But we were kids and didn't treasure these
And so we no longer have any of them
Not that we need them
Because my mind has now turned itself into
A viewfinder of sorts
But it gives me no joy, it's not a toy
It's a test of patience and strength
Before I give in, surrender

Clear skin, blade, blood
snap!
Clear skin, blade, blood
snap!
Clear skin, blade, blood
snap!

Some days

sometimes you wake up and everything feels like death
everything hurts as your peel yourself off the bed
like velcro being pulled apart
you can almost hear bones cracking, muscles tearing
and you know then, you just do

the same way you know when its an unexpectedly cold morning
your skin covered in goosebumps
and you know it's going to be a lazy day, wrapped in a blanket
sipping hot tea, looking at the changing skies
you know all this before your feet hit the cold floor beneath
but there is no excitement or hope or joy on days like this
it's almost like
while you were asleep
the world tilted just a bit to the left
and suddenly the fortune you had enjoyed so far
with good days and good feelings
disappeared into the universe
taking away happiness, optimism, love
with it

so you sit there, on your bed
a tremor in your hands
trying to slow your breathing
your head feels like it weighs a tonne
your shoulders curved in
and you know that this is all your body can give you today

for the best

I liked what we had

In this city that we made our own

With it's sky high buildings

Blinding lights and crowded streets

And in this borrowed city

On borrowed time

We found something worth

Breathing for

Until the magic started to wane

And we saw the muck and grime

That this city was made of

And the ticking of the clock

Got louder and louder

And we went our separate ways

Promising each other a tomorrow

But never returning

May be it was for the best

That short time we had together

Maybe it was for the best

That we never got to see each other's

True colours

Home

We sat there
Our sides pressed againt
Each others
Finding space for ourselves
In a crowded room
And as we settled in
Next to each other
I felt safe
And comforted
I felt like life could end now
And I'd be content

Is this what they mean
When they talk about people
Feeling like home?

look away

Is it visible

My sadness

Do you see it

But choose to look away

Instead

Do you pretend to not notice

Just so we need not confront it

Are we going to tiptoe around each other

Ignoring this loneliness that

Draws us to one another?

Nighttime

Two nights ago
I woke up at 1.30am and stayed awake
For an hour or so

Last night
I woke up at 4am
And stayed awake for an hour or so

There's something about that time of the night
When you drift in and out of sleep
That feels good and safe and right

My mind slows down so I need not think
My body settles against the mattress and pillows
And the world around me slowly fades out of existence

Nothing else matters in those moments
There is no one else
Just me

Belonging

And so I sit there
At a table with my favourite people
People I love with all I've got
And suddenly I'm no longer part of them
I can't reach them
Their voices muffled, faces blurry

So I sit there in silence
Looking into this world that
I belonged to just five minutes ago

And just as I decide to leave
One of them reaches out
Pulls me back into
Whatever conversation
I'd slipped out of

So I stay
Still not quite there
But I stay

physical

There's something about sex

That I find revolting

There's something about intimacy

That I'm afraid of

So when I flinch at your touch

When I move my hand away

It's all on me

And not you

clean cut

I can't give you credit for much

But I'm glad you never turned back

Never asked for a second chance

You left and never returned

Unlike the others

Who hoped for change, forgiveness

Kept coming back

As if I'd ever change my mind

They kept coming back

Pushing me closer towards the edge

Little by little

And all it would have taken was

A single word, glance from you

To push me over

So thank you

For making this a clean cut

Maybe it wouldn't be so bad

If I were to pack up and leave

Find another life for myself

In a place I can disappear into

Seconds

I hated you for having never cared about me
Because it was easier to think that you didn't
Isn't that why people leave?
But what about those seconds we shared
Every time you walked into the room
And looked at me and only me
For a few seconds
Before joining the others?

Safety net

I built a safety net for myself
A few years ago
I built it over the course
Of a few months
Adding parts and putting it together
Making sure it will catch me
When I fall

And once that final nail
Had been screwed in
And everything was in place
I knew that now I could
Go on with life
Without worrying about crashing
Because I'd taken precautions
I was going to be okay
No matter what

And today, I looked back
To make sure that it was still there
But people had removed parts
Over the years
Dismantled my safety net
And in its place
All I could find was
A gaping hole
That would suck me in
Swallow me whole

And now I have nothing left
And I've start falling

just for today

Today

I will let myself indulge

In this fantasy

That you and I are together

And I am loved so deeply

By you

Because today

I'm just so tired

And so lonely

And sad

That if I don't do this

Forget for a minute that your heart

Belongs to another

And pretend

That your eyes light up for me

And not them

If I don't indulge in this idiotic fantasy

Just for today

I may not be able to

Hold it together anymore

Gone

I forgot you were human
That you had feelings
Needs and desires
I forgot that you felt pain
Hurt just like the rest of us
In my selfishness
I thought you would wait
Exactly where I left you
When I tire of life
And need some familiarity
You were my plan B
Someone I could discard when
It pleased me
And pick up when needed
But now I look back and realise that
You were never going to wait
You'd left even before
I took my first step away from you

what about you?

How are you

You asked me

And I replied

I'm okay

But here's the truth

That you cannot know

I feel like I'm drowning

My lungs screaming for air

I feel like a thousand needles

Are pricking me from inside and out

I feel like I'm at a dead end

With nowhere else to go

I feel like I'm done

Pretending life should go on

But of course I will never tell you

Any of these truths

When you ask me how I am

I will always pretend I'm okay

love

Kill it before it can turn into anything else
From an attraction that keeps you entertained when bored
Soon becoming something that demands so much more than
You can ever give

Kill it before it grows within you
Tendrils reaching the darkest corners of your mind
Sucking out what little energy you have
Leaving you nothing but a shell of what you used to be

Kill it before it turns into love
Because that's when you know
You've lost

Mundane

Sometimes

When I'm doing something mundane

Like chopping up some garlic

Or crossing the road

Going past a river

On my way to work

I wonder how good it would feel

To be pulled out of existence.

And I wonder if you'd

Miss me

Loss

And so this is what we are left with
Heartbreak and pain
Memories that feel like fire
Making skin melt
Feelings that feel like blades
Slicing into flesh
This is all we have
Now that we've loved and loved
And lost it all

Embers

It's in my bones
Burning like embers
Not as loud as a fire
But still as hot
It makes my insides melt
And skin burn
But there's nothing I can
Douse this with

This unhappiness within me
And everything else that
Tags along with it
Refuses to budge
I feel the strings that hold me together
Come undone
Snapping
One by one

thrill

Sometimes I wonder

If my heart fluttered

When I was with you

Because you awakened

Parts of me

I was previously unaware of

Or because

The thrill of being with you

Made my heart beat

Faster

Knowing this thing between us

Was forbidden

Knowing it was a secret, hidden

When you asked me if anyone knew

There was a certain glint in your eyes

The way your lips curled into a smile

Made me wonder about this need for secrecy

And your insistence on remaining mysterious

Is in itself was a warning

But it was a warning

I chose to ignore

Over and over again

Always on my mind

I haven't asked about you in a while
Progress, I'd say
But last month, when it was my turn to share
A sad story
I considered lying
Making something up just to get it over with
But then...
I thought about you
And finally told people the truth

It took me years
To admit out loud
How I fell for you
How you broke my heart

Silly

You silly boy

You think we don't notice

How hard you try

To get her attention

Your eyes light up

When she walks into the room

You forget the rest of us

When she's around

You do your best

To impress her

But then she leaves

Not even turning around

To look at you

And you sit there

Crushed

Deflated

We all notice this

So we always stay back

To pick up the pieces

She crumbles you into

 

And as you sit there

Noticing only her

I sit here

Noticing only you