regardless

I can't tell you

where I'll be

this time

next year

I can't promise to

be there for you

when everything

crashes to the ground

I can't promise to

hold your hand

or lend a shoulder

for you to cry on

I can't tell you

if I'll still be here

to listen to you

and be there for you

Yet, know that

regardless of

my promises

and stupid decisions

Regardless of

all the hurtful

things

I say to you

Regardless of

each time

I pushed you away

from me

Regardless of all that

if you come to me, broken

I will fix everything

I possibly could

I wouldn't do this

because I

still love you

in one way or the other

or because I

have a heart

that forgives

and forgets

or because I am

too tired to

let the past

haunt my future

But because

no matter what

I can't look at your eyes

and let you go, again

Soap bubbles

The night was young

But it was dark

And it was tired

I should have

Noticed the stars

And the moon

The clouds

But I didn't

Excuses I can give

But I won't

Because

The memory of tonight

Would have been better

More beautiful

If I had noticed

The stars,

Moon

And clouds

But I remember

Everything else

Our smiles

Laughter

Happiness

As we blew

Soap bubble

After

Soap bubble

Into the deep

Dark sky

And people could have

Laughed

Because none of us

Were kids

But it didn't matter

I wasn't nineteen

Scared and lost

No,

I was back in the past

Ten years

Carefree

Happy

Blowing soap bubbles

fairy lights

You and i
different worlds
we lived in
but we made
our own little world
where there were rainbows
that ended
at pots of gold
the sun peeked over
mountains and hills
covered in grass they were
fireflies danced against the night skies
the stars and fairy lights
and wishes and dreams
we made this world
you and i
and we took up residence
in that world
but our stay
wasn't forever
the ticket in
had an expiry day
slowly the
fairy lights
fireflies
stars
became a distant memory
and we knew
our time was up
the sun screamed
and burned us
not with hatred
or anger
but warning
'leave
before its too late
leave
before you see each other
for who you really are
leave
before...'
did we listen?
no
not until
it was too late
for you and i
and when we finally bade
our world goodbye
there was very little
left of it
but most of all
there was very little
left of
us

Be patient

Be patient

I'm still learning

Be patient

I'm still a kid

Be patient

I need you to

Be patient

Promise you will

I don't know

What I should do

I don't know

What I shouldn't do

I'll make mistakes

Not one or two

But I'll learn from them

I promise I will

So be patient

You were a child once

Don't teach me

Show me the way

I may not always listen

I'm stubborn, you know 

But I'm learning

So be patient

Disappointed

You are disappointed
in me?
by me?
These aren't first world problems
you say
to me?
Well, you didn't disappoint me
because I had no
expectations
You told me not to
have any at all
and so I didn't
But I did feel things
worse than disappointment
hate. Anger
You made me hate
You made me angry
and now
You blame me
because I'm the childish little
bitch here?
Maybe I am childish
Maybe I am a bitch
but you know what you are?
You are all of that too
Because I am to blame
but so are you

Just a Kid

I'm still a kid
Don't you know that?
I may make demands
I may want to always
have my way
But that's because
I'm still a kid
And I know
you don't see a kid
when you look at me
and you notice the grown up features
the grown up things I do
But I'm still nineteen
a teenager
doing things most
twenty two year old don't do
So don't treat me
like an adult
you do this sometimes
and it hurts
and its overwhelming
suffocating
frustrating
When you look at me
imagine your self
when you were my age
treat me like a kid
because I'm still
just a kid

Stories of the past

You never knew

About my present

Do you realize that?

You only knew

Of my long ago past

Do you realize that?

For some reason

Even I don't know

I left you in the dark

I chose what stories

I should tell you

You thought you knew it all

But that's okay

It wouldn't have mattered

The story telling soon stopped

You left, then I left

We both left

But we left each other

eyes half closed

tired
eyes half closed
or half open
maybe both
but they are
tired
tired beyond the
usual tiredness
of having lived
she counts the
days
months
years
how much time
has passed
but her mind
wanders too much
her mind needs sleep
her body
screams for it
one more thing
to do though
leave a message
not for others to know
she lived through the day
just another day
but to remind her self
when things start going
downhill
that on a day of the past
she lived through
something similar
or something
worse
she survived
she was still alive
So eyes
half open
or
half closed
'dear diary'
she writes

his smile so haunting
his look piercing, daunting
walks away, defeated

why dream when you can
do without false hope he said
as he walked away

Okay

"How are you?"

He asks her

She smiles

as she always does

when questions are asked

She thinks,

answer yes

and lie

at least he wouldn't

worry

Or answer no,

tell the truth,

but he'll want to know

the reason

Her smile has now

faded

and the seconds are passing

she knows he's waiting for her

answer

And as he looks at her

he notices every thing

even the slightest shift

in her expression

But she doesn't know that

he notices

for she thinks

he's dumb,

ignorant,

like all the other men

So she chooses her reply

shrugs and says,

"I'm okay"

smiles again

to say, she's not

He thinks she knows that

he knows

its an act

but she doesn't

So he asks

no more questions

instead giving her

the time and space she needs

before she can tell him

She thinks

he doesn't care

like all the other men

stupid,

dumb,

ignorant

Childhood

We knew what heartbreak was

Even before we could walk

We knew what it was like to expect

And then have your dreams crushed

Our hearts were broken not by people

We cried tears not for others

Our tears were for scraped knees

Broken hearts for toys we didn't get

We built houses, where our stories were told

Walls and a roof, to keep us safe

They were not made of brick or stone

Playhouses where our childhood was spent

The real me

Do you even know who I am?

Now, don't say that you do

Because I know you don't

How can you know me

When I haven't told you anything

And you've only seen

A fraction of who I am

So don't say you know me,

Because you don't

And I don't want you to

Yes, I don't want you

Or anyone else to know who I am

Secrets, you can't keep

And you'll tell everyone

And they'll know everything

Soon enough

Who I am

Won't be a mystery

And so I won't tell you

And I won't let you know

The real me

I remember how you smirked

When I told you

'There's me, the loud chatterbox

The one who is lost

And messy and

The one who doesn't care.

Then there's me, the real me

I know where I'm headed

Or rather I know

Where I want to be

But I'm scared

For what I want

Isn't what I need'

So I won't tell you

Or even attempt to

Like I did moments ago

For you will dismiss it,

Childish stories

Attention seeker

Wanna be emo girl

And I will never let you know

Or see

The person I am.

So don't ever tell me

That you know who I am

Because you don't

And you never will

Faces in a Crowd

Do you look at the faces

In a crowd?

Do you look into their eyes

And read their stories?

Do you notice their

Bodily imperfections?

Do you see how beautiful

They all are?

Do you see their lives as they

Walk by?

Do you smile to tell them you

Know their secrets?

Or are you too busy

To notice the faces?

Do you not look up at the

Ambulance roaring past you?

Do you realize that soon enough

You'll be in one?

Do you just let life go on

Without ever living?

the Happy Page

The Happy Page said,

this is what happiness is

illustrations

accompanying

definitions of happiness

I looked at
image after image

liking some

agreeing with others

pyjama weekends

reading your chat history

the list went on

and happiness is all of that

not just one thing,
or one moment
And I realized
there were ways of feeling happy
that I hadn't even thought about
so I will make a bucket list
and I will be happy

Reading my blog

"He reads your blog,

You know?"

You told me

Over and over again

Of course I know,

He reads it

And a few others do too

"But you write about your life

Have you mentioned me?"

What is it you are afraid of?

Do you not want people

To know we are friends?

Are you ashamed of our friendship?

"It's just...

I think you shouldn't be putting up

Your life on the web"

It's my blog,

And I'll post whatever I want

Not your problem

"Well, can I at least read it?

What's the link?"

You found the page,

Do you go back there?

Do you like what you see?

"You don't want to be my friend

In the future?

But I thought..."

A few lines into reading my posts

You had already

Misunderstood what I said

Sigh!

Go read the other one

The one I post on Facebook

You may like that more

Writing for you

I wait for an update

Checking your blog

Nearly everyday

But then it slowly

Dawned on me

That the waiting was useless

For just how I

Slowly stopped writing

For you

You stopped writing for me

And we became two people

Who once made

Memories together

And now

Our blogs remain

The posts not for each other

Sometimes

About each other

But never for

That's how life is,

I've learned

That's how love is

You taught me

I can live with

The thousands of reasons

Why it wasn't meant to be

But I can't live with why

We didn't let it be

Shooting Stars

I had no list

For Santa Claus

I had no wishes

For the shooting stars

I couldn't afford

To dream or hope

For the world is no

Wish granting factory

And yet as the night ended

Another day gone by

We stood there

Hand in hand

Watching the waves crash

Into each other

Our hearts beating as one

Yearning for all that we can't have

Write to Reconcile

Page after page
that new book smell
small black letters
carved into
untouched paper
our names on print
the words
we put together
day and night
creating a
not always
fictitious world
where characters came alive
our thoughts given a voice
and now
the book in print
we hold it
too scared that
our human touch
will wake us up
for this reality
is so perfect
the moments
they seem like
a dream

We hoped

We hoped beyond

What life allowed us

We wished beyond

What we could afford

We dreamed of things

We could never have

We pictured a life

We could never live

We crossed the borders

We were warned against

We found our selves

Wandering away from home

We looked for treasures

Where there were none

We lost our way

And we lost each other