Hollow

When they talk about love

I feel hollow inside

Like a vital part was forgotten

When I was being assembled

When they talk about love

I feel that emptiness within me

It expands and presses against my organs

Reminding me of what everyone else has

And I don't

The only way I know to love

You keep your distance from them
Never getting closer than a foot or two
You never want to know what they smell like
The perfume they use, buying a new bottle
Before the other is empty, making sure they never run out
You don't want to be jolted awake
As you walk aimlessly on a crowded street
Or sit lost in thought in a bus to work
And get a whiff of that same perfume
The one you once loved wore

You rarely see them, turning down invitations
You don't make them a permanent feature in your life
Because you will wake up one day
And look for them
Go crazy when you realize they are no longer within reach
And you don't want to remember what they look like
How they make you feel
The way their eyes light up when they smile
Or their lips tighten when they are even mildly inconvenienced
You don't want to remember anything about them
Because you never want to find that you've forgotten

You don't let them touch you
You flinch when they get close
Turn away when they come in for a hug
Because you don't want to feel that warmth
You will never again feel against your body
When they leave you
That surge of energy
That passed from their veins to yours
When they touched you that one time
Will never be felt when
Someone else's skin
Makes contact with yours

You don't dish out even a morsel of the love you feel for them
You give them no clue
You convince yourself you dislike them
Like this is some game played by kindergartners
Where you show affection through aggression and annoyance
But that is all you know to do
To keep yourself safe
To protect yourself from the heartache
They will leave you with

You push them away
Before they can get too close
You leave them before they can leave you
Because that's the only way
You know how to love

Crutch

It's getting harder now to pretend
The ground beneath me isn't shaking
The tremors climbing up my legs like thorny creepers
The tentacle-like darkness wrapping around my organs
Making it harder to focus to breathe to see to function
And I want to give into this... this weakness
I want to drown in this exhaustion
But there's always something
Or someone
That acts like a crutch
Keeping me upright and stopping me from
Surrendering

there's something about her

You're foolish for being so in love

With a woman that will play you

Like a good hand in a game of Poker

She will whisper sweet nothings and then

Squeeze her fist around your heart

She will run her hand over your smooth skin

And then slash it with a blade

She will demand all the love you have to give

And then throw it all away

But you know all this

You know that poison runs in her veins

And yet,

You continue to love her

from across the room

For one unusually long second

Our eyes met

And a slight confusion

Spread across your face

You squinted your eyes 

Trying to remember why

This face in this place

Looked so familiar

But you couldn't quite place me

So you went back to your book

But looked up once again

Just in case

Did you think I was her?

What we've become

And not once do we ask each other
How we are
If we are happy with what
We've made out of our lives
We never talk about the past
The years spent apart
Our friendship resumes
Like we never pressed paused
Forgetting how our fingers hovered over the
Stop button
All those years ago

We know each other
That familiarity you so rarely find
With people

But do we really?
Do we really know each other?
Aren't we really just strangers
With a shared history from
Years ago?

Dust

You turned to dust in my hands
Stained my skin
Got in my eye
When the wind stirred you awake
But then you fell through my fingers
On to the ground
Joined the others
And I stomped on you
As I walked away

Nightmares

You used to scream in your sleep
A scream that got louder and louder
Until it would wake me up
And I would wake you up
And you would then stop screaming
And go back to sleep
On some days
You'd remember in the morning
"I screamed last night"

Now that you are gone
And I can't ask you these questions
I wonder what you were so afraid of
What made you scream
Two, three, four times a week
Was it something from your past
A past I knew in the most abstract sense
An incident when you were 30
A memory from your childhood

Or was it something else entirely
Was it a person that made you have those
Awful nightmares?
Does this face still walk among us?
I never asked
But I wish I did because now
I feel fear
Blooming in my heart

Love

The love we waste on people
That end up fucking us over
And hurting us like no one ever has
Can never be reimbursed in full
No matter how many receipts we keep
We can argue and plead
But that love is never coming back
So you, the one with some of the love I had to give
When I was young and fooling,
Find what isn't yours and
Bury it deep in an abandoned house
Or in a cemetery or by the sea
Bury it, if you can,
But please don't carry it with you

Dust

And so we leave
Each others lives
Sweeping away
All trace that we once
Knew each other

But in a corner
Of my mind
Among the dust
Collected over the years
A memory of you
Remains

Gifts from my parents

Do we ever get compensated
For the pain our parents cause us
Through their words and actions
The burning of skin after a slap
Or the arrow that pierces a heart
When made to feel worthless

Do we ever get a new start in life
Where we are no longer burdened
By our parents and everything they did
And didn't do
Every word they said
And didn't say

Do they at least apologize?
Do they ever accept blame?

Free

And maybe this is the sadness you left me with
Or perhaps it is the accumulated residue from those post-you years
When I tried hard and failed miserably to find
Something akin to what we had
But they didn't break my heart like you did
They merely disappointed and left me
Wanting and needing for so much more
Maybe this unhappiness that weighs me down
Cannot be traced to you at all
Maybe you are innocent, no crime committed
So is it time then that I set you free?

11:11

And like a child
I make a wish
That I know
Won't come true

Tired

I don't know what this is

But it bubbles to the surface

Rarely when I'm prepared

Never when I have the energy

And it leaves me deflated

Like a discarded balloon

Death

Five years ago
If I'd been asked what I fear the most
I would have said
Living in a world without you
Because it would have been true
My existence, back then,
Was so dependent on you

But look at me now
Alive
In a world you left
Four years ago

I'm alive
And you are not
But I feel
Like I'm not either

I lost you

Just like that

Like a breeze

I couldn't catch

For a second

I looked away

Turned back

To find you'd left

Control

I won't start

Because once I do

I won't stop

And then

I will lose control

Of it all

So don't push me

Don't make me

Want it

Please

I'm begging you

Be kind

I am not my father

Can you tell me
Why you hate me
Is it because
I remind you of him?

Can you blame me
For being so like him
I am after all
Half of you
And half of him

But you spit nasty words at me
When I come home late
Like he once used to
When I put others before family
Like he once used to

And you think you can make me
Hate him
Hate his ways
Just enough to be less like him
But do you not see
That you only make me
Hate you
A little bit more?

Your skin was a canvas

I wish I had
Reached over
And touched your skin
Felt those little scars
Of cuts you made
Locked in a room
Blood such a stark contrast
To your white skin
I think you wanted me to
But I was scared
Scared of what you were capable of

And I thought that
If I reached over and felt your skin
Touched your scars
Realised how beautiful they were
Nothing would stop me when
Months later
I too, would find myself
Locked in a room
Looking for release

Demand

Why do people demand so much from others?
Why is it never enough?

You ask
And I give
You ask
And I give
You ask
And I give and I give and I give

You ask for more
And I give

Until there's nothing left of me
To give
There's nothing left
For myself

Touch starved

You wouldn't remember that moment

Already erased from your memory

But it stays in mine

Not because it was you

Gently placing your hand

On my arm

Your face so close to mine

That I wanted to lean in

Be closer to you

But because it had been months

No, years

Since someone had touched me in a way

That made my body yearn for more

Instead of wanting to flee

Butterflies

This is all so stupid
That I want to slap myself awake
Slap myself into adulthood
Remind myself I'm not thirteen
I shouldn't be feeling this way
About a boy

But a part of me is glad
That despite you taking
So much away from me
Deep inside
I am still capable of feeling giddy
About a boy
That isn't you

Days

Some days
You jump out of bed
Excited for what the day has in store
For you
You go from chore to chore
Cleaning and tidying up
Catching up with friends
Making plans
And you are so full of energy
That at night
In bed
Sleep doesn't come easy
But it doesn't bother you
Not one bit

But there are other days
Like today
When you wake up feeling the weight
Of the world on you
And you lie in bed unable to move
Until slowly, you force yourself to
Get up and deal with the day
Finding no joy in the work you do
No satisfaction in your smallest achievements
Because today
None of it matters
Today is a day not for the alive
But for those who wish they were dead

Temptation

And so I resist the temptation
To go back and check the locks
For the fourth time
This night

Instead
I lie in bed with my eyes closed
Hoping this need will soon go away

Routine

And so this nightly ritual begins
Checking windows and doors
Lights and switches
From one end of the house
To the other
Until I get to my room
And pick out my night clothes
And walk to the bathroom
Have a wash
Rid my body of the grime
Collected during the course of the day
Wipe off the tiny droplets of water
That cling to my skin
Wear a fresh set of clothes
So easy
This part of the night is
And then I
Come back to my room
Put away my dirty clothes
And then go back
To the other end of the house
Checking windows and doors
Lights and switches
On my way there
And back to my bed
In case I've overlooked something
And it was enough to let in
The unwanted

Snap

you sent my mind
hurtling through
the land of possibility
giving me a glimpse of
everything my life could be
with you
and then you
took it all away
with a snap of your fingers
that brought me back to
reality

- you and I
  standing next to each other
  yet, a million miles
  between us

Ocean

Remember that day
We woke up early to
Watch the sunrise?

The ocean was still
Quiet
Waves barely visible

This is what
Your love feels like

There's no drowning
No turmoil
Chaos
Everything fall into place

But here's the catch:

I grew up by the ocean
An ocean that was rough and angry
Crashed into the sand
Spraying water everywhere

And when I'm with you
It's that ocean
That I want

Corny

i hate that i
still think about you

Anitya

I thought it would be temporary

You going away

I thought you'd come back

But now I know you won't

So maybe you did it

You found something that would last

And me?

I'm happy for you

doomed

Why do you think
every relationship is doomed
from the beginning?


I think about all the relationships I've seen
Collapse to the ground
Come down like a jenga tower
Taking down people who thought they were in love
That they'd found the one

I look at this woman
Asking me this question
I remain silent
But I want to scream

Truth

It didn't feel like I thought it would

Perhaps it was the booze that was coursing through my body
In my blood
Not taken to dull this moment
To give me the courage to say what I did
None of this was planned
You asked me a question and I thought
Fuck it
Just be honest
It wouldn't matter tomorrow
So I told you my truth
And before you could say anything about it
Someone interrupted our conversation
And your attention was focused elsewhere

I sat there, cradling my drink
Waiting for the relief to kick in
The weight of what I'd just accepted
Instead I felt nothing
So I turned to whoever was seated to my left
And went on with life as if nothing had happened

Desire

As we stood there

Talking about god knows what

Our bodies inching closer together

Because the room was getting crowded

I had a desire to lean in and kiss you

This was more than what I'd felt in months

So I expected a wildfire to spread within me

But instead

All I felt was the faintest need

To feel your body against mine

Is this what happens to your mind

When you deprive it of feeling

Just because you are too scared to

Let loose?

Is this what happens when your heart

Has been limited to the mundane function

Of pumping blood

Instead of tightening at the mere thought of someone?

This is what gets to me the most

The fact you are gone

And I'm still here

Blurred vision

A year or so ago, when I complained of terrible headaches

My mother insisted I have my eyesight checked

"You are always in front of that computer" she said

Making no reference to the glasses I bought years ago

But never wore

I read out the letters pointed to on that lit up screen

Struggling with the smallest of them

Worrying about having to wear glasses

Which screwed with my mind and made it impossible to

Even walk

But my eyesight was fine, nothing wrong there

My ability to focus on objects close to me...

Now that was another matter entirely

I was told to do some exercises and return

But I never went back

...

While practicing yoga, we lie on our stomachs

Our arms stretched beneath our bodies, chin stretched forward

We raise our legs at the second inhalation

I dread this asana for two reasons

Firstly, I'm afraid I wouldn't be able to raise my legs

Although I always find the strength to do so

Secondly, I hate how the pattern on my mat

Blends in to become one blur of colour

During this asana only

And not during the others that bring my face so close to the ground

The turquoise mat, with its fish scale-like pattern

Becomes an ocean that makes me afraid that

My eyes will never be able to focus on what's held right in front of me

...

Perhaps sensing how vulnerable this makes me

My cruel, cruel mind plays tricks on me

Turning the world into a blurry mess even when I'm not

On a yoga mat, preparing for an asana

On days like today, when they seem absolutely ordinary at first

My mind clicks between the sharpness of my surroundings

And an ocean of colour running into each other

Making it impossible to focus, to walk, to talk, to think

Making it impossible to breathe

And in these moments, when nothing is clear to me anymore

And the ground feels shaky, my legs made of gelatin

I want to be swallowed whole, taken away

Set free

mother

You need to let me go
You need to set me free
You need to say it'll okay
That you wouldn't miss me so

You need to cut these strings
That tie me to this place
You need to use the sharpest scissors
Not worry about the pain

Because it'll hurt
Both you and I
We will bleed and weep
Wish we could rewind

But the truth is this
And it comes with no coating
No sand-like sugar
To make it less bitter

These strings tying me to you
Are tangled around my neck
And every time I try to fly away
They steal the air I need to breathe

So clip them off
These strings, my wings
Slash my wrists
Bind my legs

But let go of me
Set me free
I may leave but I
Will always come back to you

Awful

I write terrible poems
About terrible people
And terrible times
Because I can't help
But hope
That by reliving them
Through my own words
Again and again
They won't hurt as much
Someday
As they do now

Jaded

I always dropped that last letter
When I thought about this particular word
My mind went to the green rock
Polished smooth

But you changed it for me
That one word
You said you were jaded
A warning I paid no heed to

And now whenever I come across it
In a book or movie, conversation
My mind no longer goes to that odd shade of green
But to you...

Because you came to me
Already cynical
But I remained untouched
Until I met you

Paper

The paper cranes I learned how to make for you
Have ever since been an anchor that stops me from drowning
When my head starts spinning and my thoughts keep unravelling
I fold paper over and over again until it is a crane

And now I am surrounded by them, these little origami birds
But I'm told not to waste paper making these silly crafts
But it's only because they don't know, so they mean no harm
When they take away the only thing that keeps me afloat

And so like you slipped out of our touch all those months ago
I sit here, unable to speak or move
Stuck in this downward spiral
Without you here to save me

Climax

I thought I was over you
The last of the cobwebs
Attaching you to me
Dusted off and swept away
You were truly gone
Out of my system
Until in that weakest moment
You crept into my mind
Made me pause
For just a second

Touch

It’s funny, really

How strong my aversion to physical intimacy is

My body shrinking away from the simplest

Most innocent of touches

And my mind fleeing at the possibility of more

But then there are these moments

That weigh down in my chest

Making me miss that one time

Years ago

With you

Weird

It's weird
This thing between us
Bestfriends
If we were younger
But we are too old for such possessiveness
So friendship
Years and years of it
And yet I struggle
With words
I hide what means the most to me
From one of the few people
That mean the world to me

Time

I wish we'd met later in life
I was a kid and you were you
I wish I'd been older just so I'd know
When you dragged me into your life
Forced yourself into mine
The kind of heartbreak you were going to leave behind

Vacant

These past few weeks
Months, actually
My mind has been vacant

He finally left
And I had all these empty rooms
I had nothing to fill with
And I liked it that way
This peace of mind
I haven't known for a long time

And then, in a moment that was usually
Exhaustion, satisfaction, breathlessness
You crept into my mind

And boy
Let me tell you
All alarms just went off

Time

I will make time for you
To see what you've been up to
Read whatever you post online
Wonder even if it's just for a second
If I should talk to you

But then I refuse to
Make time to be with you
To actually reach out, talk
Go beyond a like or retweet
And that makes all the difference
Doesn't it?