this is what you do to me

Sometimes

When we sit next to each other

Talking about the most

Mundane things

I want to lean into you

Rest my head on your shoulder

Close my eyes

And let go of the world

You do that to me

You make me feel at peace

rain

My fondest memory of you

Is a rainy day in Colombo

I didn't think I'd see you

But there you were

Sunshine on a gloomy day

And we walked outside

Under your umbrella

Stepping over puddles

Laughing

Two happy people*

*I would have preferred

To end this by saying we were

Two people in love

But let's not kid ourselves or

Abuse our poetic license

Sour

Flour, water, sugar
A bit of Marmite to help
The starter along
Days of monitoring
Certain the yeast was dead
But finally, a loaf
Almost twenty-four hours in the making
Not counting the eight days
Of daily feeding
To keep the starter alive

And as I slather butter on
A slice
Bite into it
Get used to how sour it is
- they really meant is when they called it sourdough -
I wonder if I'd ever have made
Such an effort for you
With us

To be deleted

He sat across from me
Wine in our glasses
Stars above us
His eyes were beautiful
The night was lovely

He inhaled and exhaled
Next to me
Already asleep
His body almost touching mine
And I lay awake
For a little while longer

And on both nights
Nothing in me stirred
Because neither of these men
Were you

Heartbreak No. 01

I wish I'd done things differently
And chosen a boy who wouldn't
Break my heart
The way an axe is slammed
Into a log of wood

I wish I'd chosen someone kind
For that inevitable Heartbreak No. 01
Because you left
Slamming the door behind you
And with you went the trust
I had in people, in love

Love

And maybe I will never know
What love is

What it's like to wake up to
A cup of coffee by the bed
Breakfast on a plate
A kiss goodbye
The day spent apart
But always together
Coming home to an
Empty house
That is soon occupied
Once again by
Two people in love
Their books with mine
Their music playing
In the living room
They whistle a tune
As they go about the house
Tending to minor chores
As dinner for two is served
On the table in the pantry
Plates washed and dried
Going to bed
One that isn't cold or empty
Falling asleep next to
Someone I love

I will never know what this
Feels like

Conserve

You ask me how I am
"All okay?"
And I want to tell you
Everything
How rotten I feel
How my skin doesn't seem to fit my body
How loud it is inside my mind
How truly awful it is
But it all takes so much energy
And I can't be wasteful
So I tell you
"All okay"
Seven letters
Two words
That is all
I can give you
Today

1am

It's one o'clock in the morning

  Can this time of the day

  Even be called morning?

But I'm awake and I'm tired

And I keep wondering about

This one thing

Who would I be

If things were different?

What if I'd never met you

Or anyone else

What if my father never left

And my parents were happy

What if I was smart

And aced my exams

What if I was happy

And never sad

What if things were different

What if things were good

Would my life be a whole lot different?

Would it be the 27th of

April twenty-twenty

Would it be one in the morning

And would I still be awake

Unable to sleep?

Easter

This year
No one brought it up
The usual family lunch
On Easter Sunday
We were under curfew and couldn't
Leave the house even if we wanted to

Last year
My aunt called me
Said they will see us the next weekend instead
Because there are all these explosions
And no one knows what's
Happening

The year before that
I don't know what happened
We broke tradition
Because usually one of my father's siblings
Would host Christmas lunch
And the other
Easter lunchBut that year we decided that
No one would cook this time
We would all go and dine
At a hotel
On Easter Sunday

Ghosts

While I was asleep
The ghosts in my room
Tore up some sandpaper
And softened the sharp edges
I use to keep people away

And now my heart melts
Like butter
When I'm with you
And I hate it
I hate it