Just one of those days

On some days the batter is lumpy

Flour refusing to incorporate with sugar and egg

The cake burns in the oven

Despite there being ten minutes left on the timer

Your beautiful sponge is dry and dark

Shrinking as the clock ticks

And one of the good layers breaks in half as you try to

Place it on the turntable

A spoonful of frosting falls on the table

And what does get slathered on the cake

Melts because the cake is still too hot

So you give up, scream in frustration

Sit on the floor and ignore the cake

You should have just bought instead

And the waterworks start

Dripping down your face like the too-pink frosting

Dripping off the turntable and on to the table

On some days you are as big a mess

As the cake falling apart in your kitchen

There, I said it. Happy now?

On nights like this, I struggle to ignore that godawful truth

It's embarrassing, especially given my age

And the mask that resembles a brave face I hide behind

But hey, today, I'm just a little too tired to keep it in

To pretend that everything's okay

That our family of five that became four that became three

Will soon become two

That I have to smile through every single thing

Friends family whoever

Does that steer us more and more away from

How things are

I usually pretend none of this affects me

That I'm in control

That I like the direction in which my life is headed

But today, my feet ache a bit too much

Breathing feels like a chore and crying seems to be a thing

We now do for no reason, with no warning, at the oddest times

My fingers can barely make it across the keyboard

So let's get this over with

The goddamn truth

I'm so fucking lonely.

sunsets

Outside, the sky is pink

Like exposed skin

From when your arm rubs against a wall

As you are pushed against another

It will turn orange soon

Like the anger that spits and crackles inside

That heart that once couldn't contain its love for you

And then darkness

A blue that is almost black

The moon will be bright

A scattering of starts

This is what you see when you close your eyes

Against the violence

When the pain is too much

And you can't cry out

Today, the evening sky is a reminder

Of the day you got that black eye

The bruise on your leg

The day he first hurt you

Starting with words and then a slap

A punch and then a kick

And then two and three and more and more

But yesterday, the evening sky reminded you

Of roses and lilies and daisies and iris

Baby's breath and jasmine

Hibiscus and anthurium

Sunflowers and dandelions

That first bouquet he brought home

Lies hidden beneath those soft petals

Pills

While looking for something in a cupboard

I found your pill organiser. Plastic. Once white

Now covered in the faintest layer of dust

It hasn't been touched in five years

That's how long it has been

It rattled when I picked it up. It wasn't empty

Pills you had planned to take

But never got around to taking

Pills that, in the end, didn't matter.

They didn't extend your time with us

Online dating

May be the reason I keep swiping left

On man after man

Not pausing to consider

Take a closer at their pictures

Interests carefully added

To seem interesting

Chill with a cold beer?

Talk over coffee?

Meet for pizza and wine?

A cattle market, really

This hellhole of an app

Is because I keep hoping that someday

I'll come across your profile

That I'll see your face again

And I'll spend a good five minutes or more looking at your pictures

Reading all the tidbits of information you've

Included about yourself

And I'll swipe left, of course,

Close the app, delete it

And I'll wonder if you came across my profile

And if you did, whether you noticed it was me

And if you did, whether you went left or right

Please forgive me

I remembered you with anger

I convinced myself that you were

Cruel and evil

It was easier that way

But now I remember you

The real you

Kind and sweet and caring

Attentive and patient and lovely

You were wonderful and

You gave me something wonderful

But I was too young to let go

Of you, of our time together

And so I dressed you in wolf skin

I called you names, I hated you

I hurt you.

Forgetful

I always thought this anger and hurt

Unhappiness and tiredness

Were a recent addition to my life

But today, I read a diary from 2012

And there was so much hurt and anger

Tiredness and unhappiness in it

And fragments of memory came to me

As I flipped through the pages

It surprised me that I had forgotten

At the same time, I couldn't help but wonder

If nine years from now, if by 2029,

I would have forgotten all about the present

What if it's not too late

What if

What if there is still time?

Bloody onions

I cried thrice today

Well, twice in bed so they count as one incident

I don't know why I cried but

One minute I was fine, the next I wasn't

(we are simply going to ignore the fact that

you've been on my mind lately. a lot.)

Another was when I typed the last word for the day

And pressed send on that email

Something came over me, a wave of relief and sorrow and exhaustion

And the third time was in the kitchen

While I was cutting onions for dinner

I stood there, head raised towards heaven

Blinking out tears, my eyes were burning

I cursed this bloody root vegetable

Or whatever the hell an onion is

I cursed my weak eyes

The dull knife

I cursed myself

And I cursed you.

Some people are just lucky

Perhaps it still hurts

Because I wanted you to

Fight for me

Even though, deep down,

I know you would never

Put up a fight

For her,

Yes

For me,

No.

I'd settle for crumbs

Just once, I want someone

To take me out for dinner

Wine under the stars

I want to feel like I'm not invisible

That someone has seen me

Noticed me

Decided that I am the one they want to

Spend the evening with

I want them to give me hope

Of love and affection and lust

Even if they then crumble that hope

Like it's nothing but a biscuit

No one cares for

I would choose that pain in a heartbeat

If it came wrapped in joy