Grief

Death and grief

Always hand in hand

In my mind

There could be no grief without death

No death without grief

But many deathless griefs

And some griefless deaths later

One is free of the other

Deaths, not recent

Grief, so everyday 

Kingfishers and bulbuls, parrots and magpies

A kingfisher sits on the fence and I tell Olive

To make a wish as it flies away

Just as my grandmother told me

Years ago, when I was still a kid

The kingfisher doesn't budge

So I tell Olive, who has just turned three (in human years, not dog),

To forget the wish as it surely won't come true

If we stare at the bird until it flies away

A woodpecker, a deep red, pecks on the mango tree

Two parrots sit on an overhead powerline

A flock of seven sisters sing their high-pitched songs

And a bulbul builds a nest in the verandah

And so they go about their lives

Just as I go about mine

Each with our own joys and sorrows

Whether brought on by magpies or not

And I hold on to some childish hope

That a brightly coloured, long-billed bird

Unaware of its wish-granting powers

Could bring me luck as it flies away

Word of the day: bulbul

venn diagrams

Let's call this what it is: grief

I always thought grief came with death

That they were inseparable

But no, there's another kind of grief

This loss of people

Attributed not to death, but to life

You are living your life

And I am living mine

But why must this mean

Circles floating in empty space

Sometimes touching, bouncing off each other

And never overlapping

barbed wire fences

You learn to protect yourself

Telling yourself little lies

That sound convincing enough

You need to protect yourself

I don't date

Because of a fear of commitment

And not being able to prioritise

A relationship at this point of life

(but not because by the age of thirty

i've attracted a whopping zero men)

I don't drink around certain people

Because I will say the wrong thing

And hurt the people

I know I need to let go of but don't seem able to

(and not because drunk me always talks about

a certain man i'm trying not to think about)

I'm choosing people who bring me happiness

Because I've decided to put my interests before

Those of others

Choosing myself, instead of another

(not because the people i thought cared

have proven otherwise - a grief i still cannot process)

I sent you a message after saying I won't

Because surely we all deserve that second chance

To finally do the right thing

And maybe you were just busy before

(and not because I'm still not ready

for this to end)

friends forever

my mother watches me struggle to hold on to all the pieces of my heart

as they break and shatter and pour out of a cavity in my chest

she hurts too, for there's nothing she can do but watch me with my grief

when i turned thirty, i prided myself for having figured out a way to protect myself

i convinced myself out of what little desire for romance i felt

just so no one could hurt me the way i had seen other been hurt

but here's what they don't tell you about heartbreak: it's not always the boyfriends

or partners or spouses. sometimes, it's the ones with those more believable promises

of forever, with that warm and safe embrace of friendship

and heartbreak at the hands of a friend? i don't quite yet know what to

do with this grief