Desire

As we stood there

Talking about god knows what

Our bodies inching closer together

Because the room was getting crowded

I had a desire to lean in and kiss you

This was more than what I'd felt in months

So I expected a wildfire to spread within me

But instead

All I felt was the faintest need

To feel your body against mine

Is this what happens to your mind

When you deprive it of feeling

Just because you are too scared to

Let loose?

Is this what happens when your heart

Has been limited to the mundane function

Of pumping blood

Instead of tightening at the mere thought of someone?

This is what gets to me the most

The fact you are gone

And I'm still here

Blurred vision

A year or so ago, when I complained of terrible headaches

My mother insisted I have my eyesight checked

"You are always in front of that computer" she said

Making no reference to the glasses I bought years ago

But never wore

I read out the letters pointed to on that lit up screen

Struggling with the smallest of them

Worrying about having to wear glasses

Which screwed with my mind and made it impossible to

Even walk

But my eyesight was fine, nothing wrong there

My ability to focus on objects close to me...

Now that was another matter entirely

I was told to do some exercises and return

But I never went back

...

While practicing yoga, we lie on our stomachs

Our arms stretched beneath our bodies, chin stretched forward

We raise our legs at the second inhalation

I dread this asana for two reasons

Firstly, I'm afraid I wouldn't be able to raise my legs

Although I always find the strength to do so

Secondly, I hate how the pattern on my mat

Blends in to become one blur of colour

During this asana only

And not during the others that bring my face so close to the ground

The turquoise mat, with its fish scale-like pattern

Becomes an ocean that makes me afraid that

My eyes will never be able to focus on what's held right in front of me

...

Perhaps sensing how vulnerable this makes me

My cruel, cruel mind plays tricks on me

Turning the world into a blurry mess even when I'm not

On a yoga mat, preparing for an asana

On days like today, when they seem absolutely ordinary at first

My mind clicks between the sharpness of my surroundings

And an ocean of colour running into each other

Making it impossible to focus, to walk, to talk, to think

Making it impossible to breathe

And in these moments, when nothing is clear to me anymore

And the ground feels shaky, my legs made of gelatin

I want to be swallowed whole, taken away

Set free

mother

You need to let me go
You need to set me free
You need to say it'll okay
That you wouldn't miss me so

You need to cut these strings
That tie me to this place
You need to use the sharpest scissors
Not worry about the pain

Because it'll hurt
Both you and I
We will bleed and weep
Wish we could rewind

But the truth is this
And it comes with no coating
No sand-like sugar
To make it less bitter

These strings tying me to you
Are tangled around my neck
And every time I try to fly away
They steal the air I need to breathe

So clip them off
These strings, my wings
Slash my wrists
Bind my legs

But let go of me
Set me free
I may leave but I
Will always come back to you

Awful

I write terrible poems
About terrible people
And terrible times
Because I can't help
But hope
That by reliving them
Through my own words
Again and again
They won't hurt as much
Someday
As they do now

Jaded

I always dropped that last letter
When I thought about this particular word
My mind went to the green rock
Polished smooth

But you changed it for me
That one word
You said you were jaded
A warning I paid no heed to

And now whenever I come across it
In a book or movie, conversation
My mind no longer goes to that odd shade of green
But to you...

Because you came to me
Already cynical
But I remained untouched
Until I met you

Paper

The paper cranes I learned how to make for you
Have ever since been an anchor that stops me from drowning
When my head starts spinning and my thoughts keep unravelling
I fold paper over and over again until it is a crane

And now I am surrounded by them, these little origami birds
But I'm told not to waste paper making these silly crafts
But it's only because they don't know, so they mean no harm
When they take away the only thing that keeps me afloat

And so like you slipped out of our touch all those months ago
I sit here, unable to speak or move
Stuck in this downward spiral
Without you here to save me