Death

I have avoided death
Of other people
All my life

When my grandmother woke me up one night
At 11.40pm
And told me she didn't feel well
As her body felt so light
And yet so heavy
Against my arm
Some part of me knew
She was dying
And so I left the room
And looked away
As they carried her body
On a stretcher
I hid from her
I hid from death

When my cat, Johnny Meowing, was sick
I refused to accept he was too old, too far gone
To be brought back to good health
And wanting him to live a longer life
I left him overnight at a hospital
And so when the call came
The next day
That he had died
A small part of me knew
As I answered that call
From an unsaved number
That it was bad news
And so I wasn't with him as he died
And I never saw his body

Two weeks ago
While I was away from Colombo
We got a call in the morning
One of the kittens had been found dead
And I broke into tears
But when we got home later that day
His tiny body
Had already been buried
So I never had to deal with death
That day

Last week
My luck ran out
And I couldn't avoid death any longer
Another kitten was dead
And I had to lift his tiny lifeless body
Which felt so heavy
And place him in a box
All the while
With tears streaming down my face
As I felt death coat my skin
Crawl into me
And go to sleep in a corner
Waiting for the day it would awake
And get me

Hunger

There is a hunger
Growing in me
That I'm ashamed of

A hunger that I ignore
By feeding my body
Food -mostly the unhealthy kind
Work- more than I can handle
Problems- that aren't mine

I try to keep myself busy
Distracted
But that hunger grows in me

And I'm ashamed
Nearing the quarter-century mark
And starving for something so...
Basic? Silly?
What's wrong with me?

But there is a hunger
Growing in me

For love

Not today

Most days
I can leave the house

But there are always those other days
When I can't

I have a wash
Get dressed
And then
Something stops me

I try to fight against myself

But I'm already dressed up
I might as well go
Versus
Are you sure you want to go today
Just doesn't seem like a good idea

And so I change out of my clothes
And come up with an excuse

It was too hot
I was feeling tired
There was some work I had to do
I felt a tummy ache coming on

And they believe me
They believe all those excuses
That hide the real reason of
I just couldn't

Locked

I check the locks
And they are bolted shut
And I check them again
And again
Satisfied
I go to bed
And a voice whispers
'Check them again'
I ignore it
Try to sleep
But the voice keeps getting louder
'Check them again
Check them again'
Until I do
A fourth a fifth a sixth time
And go to sleep
And this time
There is no whisper
That grows into a scream

Depression

Younger, we once were
And so used that word
With such ease
'I'm so depressed'
We'd say
With no fear
No need for denial

And now
I wish I could go back to those days
When we fought for independence
Freedom
Like we were prisoners
When our parents only meant well
And we thought the frustration
Anger
Hurt
Confusion
Building in our insides
Was depression
'I'm so depressed'
We'd say
After an argument
With family

And now
I feel the tendrils of depression
Softly graze my cheek
It's never here fully
And so I never use that word anymore
But it's in the background
A silent observer
And I feel its presence
When momentary happiness
Is cut short by an intense sorrow
When goals can't be achieved
Dreams can't be chased
Work can't be done
Just because

And it's sometimes
Too difficult to leave the bed the room the house
It all gets a bit too much
There is an itch
My fingers
Inside of my elbows
Back of my knees
Neck
I need to bite my nails
And then there's blood
Stings when I mix rice with curry
Just so my mother wouldn't worry
That I have eaten only one meal that day

And it hurts
To take another step
Take another breath
Write another word
It's so heavy
This world

But even this
It's not depression
And that's what scares me
That it can get worse
It's worse for other people
And how do they survive?

Ordinary day

Today is just another
Ordinary day

But somewhere
A man is dying
Takes his final breath
His family around him
Crying

A child sits next to her puppy
Her hand on its head
It rests against her
She smiles
Hums her favourite song

A flower blooms
Bright and yellow
The flower of the sun
A butterfly flits around it
Flies away

Two friends part ways
After years of living as
One being
The one doing the leaving
Looks back one final time and waves

He looks at her
Her skin is rosier than...
Her eyes have a certain sparkle missing from...
He chooses between
The woman he loves and the one he lusts after

He looks at the boy across the room
Looks away as soon as their eyes meet
Blushes at being caught
Takes a chance, looks at that boy again
Their eyes lock, hearts fuse together

She hears the door open
And then close
Feels his body next to hers
Looks into his deep brown eyes
Knows it's over

And somewhere
You smile as she lights the candles
Stuck on the cake she made
As she sings happy birthday
Just you and her

And somewhere
I remember
As I do year after year
That today is anything but an
Ordinary day

Today

Apparently
Today is World Poetry Day
And admittedly
What I write doesn't have
Any resemblance to poetry

And yet
Today
On World Poetry Day
My heart is too empty
Mind too tired
Body too worn out
To do any writing

Tears

You told me not to cry
As if losing the one person
That meant the world to me
Was not worth crying about.

Wolf

To the boy whose message I never replied to

I’m sorry
Truly
It all became a little too much
All at once

You see
At first
I was blinded
By the thought that maybe this was it
Maybe you were the one
It seemed like a real possibility
And I'm just a silly girl
So I clung on to that thought

Then reality hit me
I saw you for what you really were
The wolf hiding beneath the
Skin of a sheep

So I dropped you
Just like that
Even though wolves can be loved
Just as much as sheep are

Cracked

What we think is heartbreak

Is only a crack

Tiny

But it feels like our heart has been shattered

Like a glass dropped

Pieces

That’s what we picture our hearts as

In pieces

But it’s just a little crack

Nothing significant

Except it hurts

Like a blade

Against skin

And once again

There is a crack in my heart

Caused by loss

More and more loss

The living keep dying

And I can’t cope anymore

And my heart feels so heavy

Even with all those cracks

Around the edges

Slowly reaching the center

My heart

Threatening to snap

In half

I can’t breathe

I need everything to stop

Everyone I’ve lost

To come back

Hold me tight

Fill in those cracks

To stop me from

Breaking