Selfish

Surely it can't be wrong to

Want something you've never had

But have been surrounded by

All your life

When the people around you

Found that something

That someone in life

Surely I'm not being inexcusably selfish

When I demand some of it for myself

Just so I can know what it feels like

To be loved

Sometimes I picture you

Reading a poem

Coming across a line

That is so obviously for you

And I picture you smiling

Knowing that regardless of what happened

Between us

You will always find your way into

Whatever I write

Intention

Intention

A word that appeared in definition after definition

Of offenses and crimes

Intent to kill or cause grievous bodily harm

Intent to take what is not theirs

In that A/L law class

That taught me that before finding a man guilty

You must look at the entire picture

And it is intention that differentiates

Kriyawa from karmaya

One is an act, something that happens

The sun rising and setting daily

The other is tied to intention

The killing of animal

The slapping of face

And so

Intention is key

And so I want to know

What yours is when you

Come back to me

Again and again

To insult and hurt

Bruising me again and again

But hiding beneath

Unknown names

Masks and disguises

So I would never know

Who you really are

But tell me

Because I need to know

In what way I wronged you

What my intention was when I did

Whatever it is I did

To earn your anger and hatred

And please

Release me of this crime

For I've served my sentence, surely

Or will I be punished for my crime

Again and again

Until I am no longer human?

Hold my hand and worry not

I will keep you safe, you said

And then not even a year later

Like countless others, you were dead

Punching bag

Punch #1

Why do you always disappear

Right when I start loving you

And then return

Right when I start forgetting you?

Punch #2

It isn’t happiness that I look for

Anymore

But the absence of unhappiness

Punch #3

I feel like I have been shut out of your world

But you make it seem like I shut you out of mine

Regardless of who made the first move

We moved on too soon

Punch #4

Of course

It’ll be much easier to erase

All traces of you

But you come to me

In the least expected moments

In the most surprising ways

For instance

Just this morning

I found a note from you

Tucked between a half-read book

Reminding me of you

Reminding me of us

Punch #5

Sometimes all I want to do is

Disappear with the snap of fingers

But my coarse, lined skin

Has been rubbed raw

And with each snap

All I get is more

Disappointment

In his eyes

There’s a certain sadness in his eyes

That comes and goes

Like flashes of lightning

That cut through the darkness

Of skies

His eyes

And by the uncaring soul

They go unnoticed

And the people around him

Don’t care

Because we are blind to those subtle hints

Of sadness, unhappiness

We don’t see another’s struggle

Until the moment they end the fight

And then we mourn the loss

Of yet another beautiful boy

With a certain sadness in his eyes

Words

For some

It is the time between today and tomorrow

When the clock stops ticking

The world stops turning

And their thoughts slow down

For some

It is right before dawn arrives

And the world is shaken awake

By chirping birds and blinding sunrise

That words finally pour out of them

For some

It is while waiting for their food to arrive

At the table only they occupy

And on a folded serviette they write

Words they cannot hold in anymore

For some

It is when a stranger sits next to them

In a bus headed home

And they are tired after a day’s work

But a familiar voice or scent

Takes them back to the time

They so frequently write about

For some

There is no time for the writing of words

Not between one day and another

Not at 3am when it’s so quiet, so still

Not while waiting for someone

And not when surrounded by strangers

For some

It’s not words they write in notebooks

Or crumpled paper

Or serviettes

That set them free

But it is in the words of others that

They find solace

දායක සභාව

හවස පහමාර වෙද්දී
උපාසක අම්මා
සුදු ඇඳුමෙන් සැරසී
පන්සල් ගෙන යන
මල් තෙල් තිර ආදිය
ලෑස්ති කර
බලා සිටී ඇගේ දුව
ගෙදර එන තුරු
ඇයට සැදූ තේ එක
ඇගේ අතට දී
තම මුණුබුරුගේ අතින් අල්ලාගෙන
ඇය පන්සලට යයි සැමදා

රන්වන් වැලි කැට
ඇගේ පතුලට හීන් වේදනාවක්ද
සිතට සැනසීමක්ද ගෙන දෙයි
ඈ පන්සල් යන වෙලාවේ
වෙන කවුරුත් පන්සලේ නොසිටියි
හාමුදුරු නමකට වදින්නට
පුලුවන් වන්නේද ඉතා අහම්බෙනි

මල් පහන් පුජා කිරීමට පෙර
ඇය මළුව අතුගා
මල් ආසන පිහිදා
බිම දමා ගොස් ඇති
හිස් හඳුන් කූරු පෙට්ටි
ගිණිකූරු
පරවුණු වැටුණු මල්
හිස් තෙල් බෝතල්
කුණු සඳහා වෙන් කර ඇති
බාල්දියට දාන්නේ
ඇගේ මුණුබුරා බෝධිය වටා ඇති
බෝ කොල අහුලන අතරය
ඉන්පසු තෙල් තිර හඳුන්කූරු මල්
පුජා කර
ඇය නැවත ගෙදර බලා
පිටත් වී යයි කලුවර වෙන්න කලින්

පෝය දාට, පිංකම් ඇති දාට ඈ
සිය මුණුබුරාද
සමරදාට දියණියද සමග
පන්සල් ගියත්
එවැනි දාට
මළුව අතුගාන්නට
මල් ආසන පිරිසිදු කිරීමට
තවත් බොහෝ දෙනා සිටී
එවිට ඔවුන් සෙනඟ අඩු තැනක් සොයා
පරණ පත්තර පිටු බිම තියා
ඉඳගෙන බණ අසයි
ගාථා කියයි
භාවනා කරයි
සමහරක් දාට ගාථා බණ වලට වඩා
හාමුදුරුවන් කතා කරන්නේ
දායක සභාව ගැනයි
ඔවුන්ගේ නම් ඒ දිග ලැයිස්තුවට
එකතුවෙන්නේ නෑ
ඒ ඔවුන් පිං කැටේට දාන
කාසිය ඇරෙන්න
දාගැබට තීන්ත ගාන්න හෝ
පන්සලේ හැමතැනකටම කොඩි සැරසැලි වලට හෝ
ලොකු දාන මාන හෝ දීමට ඉදිරිපත් නොවෙන නිසාය
එවැනි පිනක් කිරීමට සල්ලි කොහෙන්ද
ඒ දුප්පත් උපාසක අම්මාට

ඉතින් ඈ පිලිතුරක් නොදී
නිශ්ශබ්දව සිටී
පොඩි මුණුබුරා අසන විට
"ඇයි අත්තම්මේ
අපේ නම් නොකියන්නේ?"

Glue

We've lost it, haven't we
What held us together
Had us clinging to each other
Like glue that holds
One to another
And so like turpentine-soaked sponge
Wiping metal clean of paint
Something tore us apart
You, with a shine and gleam
Me, grimy water thrown away

Sleep

The clock kept ticking
Reminding me that I was awake
At a time when even the
Insomniacs were finally drifting off
And it was so silent that
Each toss
And
Each turn
In bed felt like I was making too much noise
And would wake my mother up
Sleeping in the other bed
And she would worry about why
I was still awake
Offer to make me something to
Eat or drink
And then drift off to sleep
But it was too late in the night
For her to wake up
No matter how much noise I made
And yet, I was careful
I didn't want to add to her worries
Because how could I tell her that
As of late
Night after night
I lie open-eyed in bed
Until my eyes sting
And I see parts of the ceiling above me
Move
My mind playing tricks on me
And my thoughts wander to
Various memories
Tucked into
Various corners of my life
Friends made and lost
People no longer alive
Love
Being in love
Never being loved
Fears and happiness
Everything that pierces my skin
like those whirring needles
That filled parts of my skin
With ink
And right as I started to get lost in thought
And finally, was that sleep just around the corner?
The loud hoot of a night train
Cuts through the still air
Reminding me that I was awake
During a time of the day when
The world was so quiet
So still
That I could hear the trains slowing down
At the railway station
Just one to two kilometers away
Depending on how I want to get there
Just walking distance
But which, loud as it is,
Is as quiet as a mouse
Compared to the loudness of humans awake
Vehicles and the everyday noises
Of the world around us
And the rhythmic turning of its wheels
And the loud hoot warning people
Of its presence
Scares away sleep
And there's nothing I can do
While I feel it run away from me
Except stare at the ceiling once again
And wait for my mind to
Finally give up
And let me sleep

I spent my teens

Loving

Making friends

Talking to people

All the time

And then

When I turned nineteen

Something in my heart changed

My mind screamed

Insisted I needed to be alone

And so for three years

I built walls around me

Ran away from anyone

Who seemed to like me

Distanced myself

From everyone I loved

And now

Here I am

Twenty two

And the loneliness I added to my life

Is killing me

And there's no one at all

To save me

Big deal

Here's the DEAL with Sri Lanka
and society
From the day you are born, you have to
change your goals and dreams
to suit the DEAL
You have to pass
exam after exam because
it's part of the DEAL
And parents push their children
send them to tuition class after tuition class
make them coffee or tea
so they can study until
today has become tomorrow
The DEAL is engraved in each child's mind
Doctor
Engineer
Accountant
Lawyer
DEAL with it
But every now and then
a kid will reject the DEAL
they will choose a whole other letter
Artist
Writer
Dancer
Singer
Sailor
Pilot
Flight attendant
Something that isn't part of the DEAL
And their parents aren't as proud
because the DEAL is how
a child's intelligence and success is measured
And when you are at a family gathering
the DEAL kids are a big deal
because they are doing something noble
or difficult
or something that will fill their bank accounts
or is socially accepted
something that is part of the DEAL
And sometimes
the non-DEAL kids are spoken to
some bored relative will ask them about
what they were doing or studying
interest feigned
and finally that question
'so what will you do after?'
because the DEAL is the real deal
anything else is just a hobby
just a way to let time pass
until you land yourself in the DEAL

Growing up

It has finally happened
The dreaded
The inevitable
You leave
And I don't even know
You are here
And I rarely see you
You have your own life
Fun, insecurities, fears and dreams
And I have my own stories
Experiences
We are no longer like we used to be
So close
Knowing so much about each other
Understanding each other like no one else could
Inseparable
And yet, here we are today
So removed from each others worlds
Strangers after years of growing up together
I look at you and can't be honest
After all those secrets between us
Now, adults, with so much to talk about
I'm at a loss for words
And you must feel the same way too
Wondering how I am now someone
You don't even recognized
But we both knew this would happen
We just lived in denial
And
It has finally happened
We've finally grown up
Leaving our shared childhood behind

You

I've written so much about you

Not always directly, never giving you a name

But I filled page after page in my messy handwriting

In now abandoned diaries

And I filled page after page of various blogs

Throughout the years, the words have collected

And I've spoken about you too

With friends, people who knew you

People who know you

I ask them how you're

What are you doing with your life

But never if you're happy

Because I'm sure you are

With her

But despite all the words I've written or said

And despite all the thoughts I've had

Never before have I missed so much what we shared

Because no one after you, as few as they are,

Have succeeded in making me feel so part of something

None have made me feel so comfortable telling them

About some small observation made on my way home

Or some silly question I had about the universe

None of them have had the patience

And not a single one of them made me feel like

There was nothing wrong with the world

They instead made me feel other things

Anger at how absolutely stupid they were

Shame at their refusal to be amazed by life's little wonders

And being at a complete loss of words with them

Because nothing I could tell them would chase away the

Awkwardness, discomfort between us

And so today,

And ordinary day of the year

No messages waiting to be read

Sent by someone I was trying so hard to just like

Without comparing them to you

No phone ringing

A call that will go on and on for hours

Because there was just so much to talk about

Today,

As I realize just how alone I am

I miss you

More than I ever have

Happiness

Don't always write
Such sad words
You are such a happy girl
All smiles and laughter



But do you not know that
It is because I wrote
Word after word
To empty my mind of
Unhappiness
That I can smile now?

Do you not know that
My body can shake with laughter
Only because the loneliness
That possesses my body
Every now and then
Have been exorcised by words?

How dare you ask me to
Stop doing the one thing
That allows me to be the person
You claim to love so truly

How dare you ask me to
Let go of the one thing
That keeps me sane
Stops me from drowning