Together

In that moment when it felt like I had lost everything

You reminded me of him

And I'd hoped and prayed for that to never happen

But with just a few words

Suddenly, you were less like you and too much like him

The moment passed, of course it did

But that feeling, I still carry with me

I toss it from hand to hand

Throw it against a wall, hoping it would shatter

It remains intact

Childish

It's so childish this desire to be happy

To know what it is like

For today's happiness to overflow

Into tomorrow and the day after

For happiness to not be so tied to other people

And places and alcohol

I want to know what it is like

To wake up and feel no weight

Or dread

To just be.

It was never about you

It was never about you

All these years, wasted

Looking for a person

When it was the feeling I was after

Tender

And from him a tenderness

Unexpected

One you couldn't give me

In any of our shared moments

It takes me by surprise

For perhaps if your touch had been softer

Slower, kinder

Perhaps then I would have felt for you

In our many moments

What I felt in that one moment

With him

Firefly

The firefly in my room died last morning

Or at least I think it did

The previous night it flew around my room

Lighting up against the darkness of the night

The firefly even landed on my hand

A few seconds of rest

Before flying off again

When I awoke the next morning

I found it on the floor

Its little light kept blinking, as if

It was signaling for help

I picked it up and kept it on the windowsill

Thinking it needed sunshine and fresh air

The way we think dying plants with

Yellowed leaves and wilted stems

Need fresh air and sunshine

The way I thought you did

When those first signs of things not being right

Started appearing through the cracks in the landscape

Known as us

I left you outside to get some sunshine and fresh air

But when I came back to check on you

You were gone

And the firefly?

I never saw it again either

One last time

Maybe if we met one last time

Just for five minutes

And you said all the wrong words

And did all the wrong things

I'd realise I was no longer in love with you

plain jane

No one knows about the things that actually matter

The things you hold on to years after you've lost them

No one knew about you, even though we never tried to hide it

Years later, mutual friends are still surprised

Perhaps it was because we were such an unlikely couple

You were... well, you

And I was just plain old me

coconut

Crack my head open like a coconut if you must

Split it in half and reach in

Pull out the bits of my brain that don't do their job

Filling me up with anxiety and dread

Depression and sadness

Self-doubt and a fear of loss and

An inability to trust in the good things

Instead turning to constant worry about things going wrong

Don't bother with the psychoanalysis

It won't work

Just split my skull in two and

Pull out those bits of my brain that don't do their job

cordial

 

I turned around to see him walk towards us that night

When the sky was clear and the seas were calm

We smiled, said hello

He sat a few seats away from me

No one knew there was a shared history between us

I wouldn’t blame him if even he didn’t remember

Sometimes, I forget too

As the hours passed by and our bodies

Soaked up all that alcohol

We spoke more freely, laughing

Until he had to leave, but by then

I was too drunk to remember anything

 

I remember that night because while I was still only tipsy

I wondered what it would be like if it was you

Instead of him

The two of us in the same room, no one knowing what you

Once meant to me

 

Truth be told

I don’t think I could do it

Smile and say hello

Laugh over drinks

Pretend things between us

Are resolved

Today

Nothing matters today

The loneliness is packed in a box

Gathering dust on a cupboard

The unhappiness

Swept under a rug

The hurt, the pain I carry on my shoulders

Sit in a corner of the room

Today, I get to breathe

Inhale and exhale

Without the usual tightness in my chest

Today, I can speak without choking over

My words

I can smile without it

Masking how I truly feel

Today is the kind of day

I must hold on to

And remember

On days when the universe isn't

This kind