You win, I don't care

This is not a game

But I think I'll let you have this

When you told me you were leaving

I had already packed my bags

Empty now, that shared space

No guilt or hurt

Regret or hope

I picture a stranger

Walking through that space

Finding signs of life

An unwashed mug in the sink

Leftovers in the fridge

The bed isn't made

The bathroom light is on

But my stuff is gone

So is yours

The stranger will always wonder

If we left together

But if not,

Who left first

Confession

Talking about you

So openly

Saying you are

The one person I still want to talk to

Felt almost like a confession

I'd like to know how you are

Whether you are happy

And if you ever wish you did things

A little differently back then

What would we talk about

If it was you I was having drinks with

And not her

Would we choke on silence

Or order another round?

New year?

And so it ends

Like it began

Quietly

Unknown to us all

Like a breeze that does the waltz

Through an empty house

To be fair, you did warn me

The thought of losing you (prematurely)

Never made me feel this way

It never filled me with the sense of dread

I sometimes wake up with

Or swallow with my morning cup of tea

Or trap in a clenched fist

Or season my food with

The thought of losing you never occurred to me

Even though you told me right at the beginning

That you already had one foot out the door

there's no winning

The thing about finally getting your hands on something

You've always wanted

Is that you must now live with the constant fear

Of having to let go of that something

Together

In that moment when it felt like I had lost everything

You reminded me of him

And I'd hoped and prayed for that to never happen

But with just a few words

Suddenly, you were less like you and too much like him

The moment passed, of course it did

But that feeling, I still carry with me

I toss it from hand to hand

Throw it against a wall, hoping it would shatter

It remains intact

Childish

It's so childish this desire to be happy

To know what it is like

For today's happiness to overflow

Into tomorrow and the day after

For happiness to not be so tied to other people

And places and alcohol

I want to know what it is like

To wake up and feel no weight

Or dread

To just be.

It was never about you

It was never about you

All these years, wasted

Looking for a person

When it was the feeling I was after

Tender

And from him a tenderness

Unexpected

One you couldn't give me

In any of our shared moments

It takes me by surprise

For perhaps if your touch had been softer

Slower, kinder

Perhaps then I would have felt for you

In our many moments

What I felt in that one moment

With him

Firefly

The firefly in my room died last morning

Or at least I think it did

The previous night it flew around my room

Lighting up against the darkness of the night

The firefly even landed on my hand

A few seconds of rest

Before flying off again

When I awoke the next morning

I found it on the floor

Its little light kept blinking, as if

It was signaling for help

I picked it up and kept it on the windowsill

Thinking it needed sunshine and fresh air

The way we think dying plants with

Yellowed leaves and wilted stems

Need fresh air and sunshine

The way I thought you did

When those first signs of things not being right

Started appearing through the cracks in the landscape

Known as us

I left you outside to get some sunshine and fresh air

But when I came back to check on you

You were gone

And the firefly?

I never saw it again either