While looking for something in a cupboard
I found your pill organiser. Plastic. Once white
Now covered in the faintest layer of dust
It hasn't been touched in five years
That's how long it has been
It rattled when I picked it up. It wasn't empty
Pills you had planned to take
But never got around to taking
Pills that, in the end, didn't matter.
They didn't extend your time with us
May be the reason I keep swiping left
On man after man
Not pausing to consider
Take a closer at their pictures
Interests carefully added
To seem interesting
Chill with a cold beer?
Talk over coffee?
Meet for pizza and wine?
A cattle market, really
This hellhole of an app
Is because I keep hoping that someday
I'll come across your profile
That I'll see your face again
And I'll spend a good five minutes or more looking at your pictures
Reading all the tidbits of information you've
Included about yourself
And I'll swipe left, of course,
Close the app, delete it
And I'll wonder if you came across my profile
And if you did, whether you noticed it was me
And if you did, whether you went left or right
I remembered you with anger
I convinced myself that you were
Cruel and evil
It was easier that way
But now I remember you
The real you
Kind and sweet and caring
Attentive and patient and lovely
You were wonderful and
You gave me something wonderful
But I was too young to let go
Of you, of our time together
And so I dressed you in wolf skin
I called you names, I hated you
I hurt you.
I always thought this anger and hurt
Unhappiness and tiredness
Were a recent addition to my life
But today, I read a diary from 2012
And there was so much hurt and anger
Tiredness and unhappiness in it
And fragments of memory came to me
As I flipped through the pages
It surprised me that I had forgotten
At the same time, I couldn't help but wonder
If nine years from now, if by 2029,
I would have forgotten all about the present
What if it's not too late
What if
What if there is still time?
I cried thrice today
Well, twice in bed so they count as one incident
I don't know why I cried but
One minute I was fine, the next I wasn't
(we are simply going to ignore the fact that
you've been on my mind lately. a lot.)
Another was when I typed the last word for the day
And pressed send on that email
Something came over me, a wave of relief and sorrow and exhaustion
And the third time was in the kitchen
While I was cutting onions for dinner
I stood there, head raised towards heaven
Blinking out tears, my eyes were burning
I cursed this bloody root vegetable
Or whatever the hell an onion is
I cursed my weak eyes
The dull knife
I cursed myself
And I cursed you.
Just once, I want someone
To take me out for dinner
Wine under the stars
I want to feel like I'm not invisible
That someone has seen me
Noticed me
Decided that I am the one they want to
Spend the evening with
I want them to give me hope
Of love and affection and lust
Even if they then crumble that hope
Like it's nothing but a biscuit
No one cares for
I would choose that pain in a heartbeat
If it came wrapped in joy
There's a stage of heartbreak
When it feels physical
Like someone tore open your skin
And pulled out a still
- although barely -
Pulsating organ
You feel this so deep within you
That you must lie down
Focus on your breath
Press a fingernail
Into your wrist
Pull off clumps of hair
To remind yourself that
As the pain glows like embers
In the fresh cavity in your chest
You are still alive
You have not been spared
Shown any mercy
By this unkind universe
Finding something you thought you lost
In the same condition it was in
Fills you with a sense of hope
That everything else you lost along the way
Will be returned someday
Making your life whole again
The only thing that gives me comfort tonight
Is the knowledge that I'm ironically not alone
In feeling lonely
