Bloody onions

I cried thrice today

Well, twice in bed so they count as one incident

I don't know why I cried but

One minute I was fine, the next I wasn't

(we are simply going to ignore the fact that

you've been on my mind lately. a lot.)

Another was when I typed the last word for the day

And pressed send on that email

Something came over me, a wave of relief and sorrow and exhaustion

And the third time was in the kitchen

While I was cutting onions for dinner

I stood there, head raised towards heaven

Blinking out tears, my eyes were burning

I cursed this bloody root vegetable

Or whatever the hell an onion is

I cursed my weak eyes

The dull knife

I cursed myself

And I cursed you.

Some people are just lucky

Perhaps it still hurts

Because I wanted you to

Fight for me

Even though, deep down,

I know you would never

Put up a fight

For her,

Yes

For me,

No.

I'd settle for crumbs

Just once, I want someone

To take me out for dinner

Wine under the stars

I want to feel like I'm not invisible

That someone has seen me

Noticed me

Decided that I am the one they want to

Spend the evening with

I want them to give me hope

Of love and affection and lust

Even if they then crumble that hope

Like it's nothing but a biscuit

No one cares for

I would choose that pain in a heartbeat

If it came wrapped in joy

Fuck you for doing this to me

There's a stage of heartbreak

When it feels physical

Like someone tore open your skin

And pulled out a still

- although barely -

Pulsating organ

You feel this so deep within you

That you must lie down

Focus on your breath

Press a fingernail

Into your wrist

Pull off clumps of hair

To remind yourself that

As the pain glows like embers

In the fresh cavity in your chest

You are still alive

You have not been spared

Shown any mercy

By this unkind universe

Lost and found

Finding something you thought you lost

In the same condition it was in

Fills you with a sense of hope

That everything else you lost along the way

Will be returned someday

Making your life whole again

Everybody is lonely

The only thing that gives me comfort tonight

Is the knowledge that I'm ironically not alone

In feeling lonely

Desire

I want to be desired by someone

To feel like I can't breathe

Like my lungs can no longer function

I want someone to choose me

From a room full of people

To want me

To make me feel like someone

Worthy of being loved

Oh so happy

I want my happiness to last longer

For it to not be mere moments

I can barely hold in my hand

I want happiness to last hours and days

Months and years

I want to be happy throughout my life

Wake up with feelings of hope and

Expectation

just one thing

i wish you'd turned to me

and kissed me that day

in the dark

so no one could see

i wish you'd had the guts to do that

just so i wouldn't now be left with

memories with someone

i never cared for

extremes

You had a filter on

All this time

That turned you into this

Magical creature

You seemed too good

To be real

You seemed too pure

To walk this same earth

As the rest of us

And every word you uttered

Sounded like music

but now,

that magic has faded

and i see you

as you are

lips dark and dry

skin ashen

like furniture gathering dust in a corner

old and falling apart

and your voice

like chalk against the board