Dirty thoughts

the first time you reached across the table

to hold my hand, i noticed your fingers

and wondered how good they would feel in me

while we sipped coffee and laughed about life

these were the thoughts that ran through

my mind

but when we eventually progressed from coffee shop

to room with a bed, closed doors

you clumsily fumbled your way around my body

while i had to grab on to the faintest sensations

to feel some satisfaction

if this is what it was going to be like, i thought

i'd rather it just be me, myself and i

Nothing to offer

I used to think I was no good for you

I had nothing to offer, not really

A body I hated seeing in the mirror

A belly too big, thighs too fat, a face too ordinary

Anxiety that made it impossible to leave the house sometimes

Or breathe with ease

Depression that left me exhausted

I needed to go for therapy

But instead I remained a burden on my friends

When I drank too much and couldn't stop my thoughts

From spiraling out of control and throwing me

Against one wall and another

I feared commitment, demanded affection

Wanted more than I could ever give

And so I thought I was no good for you

You were too good for me

But now, I take it all back

You only seemed too good for me

In pictures where filters hid your flaws

Carefully worded sentences that made you sound smart

Stories you spun so that you were the hero

Made yourself a cape out of made up trauma

But behind closed doors

Naked to me, you had nothing to offer

You were just another guy

So fucking ordinary

Couldn't pick you in a police lineup

Wouldn't notice you in a crowd

sprats

someday we will meet and you will tell me about your life

and i will tell you about mine

and you will ask me why i never settled down

with someone

and i will tell you about my fear of commitment

bad luck with men

we will laugh about it

you will tell me there are plenty of fish in the sea

i just needed to keep looking

i will make some joke about

looking for salmon

but only getting sprats

but i will never tell you that

i could swim to the deepest seas

or climb the highest mountains

but never find the man i'm looking for

because there he is,

sitting across from me

telling me about his life

asking me why i never settled down

Anger

And it is anger you feel

In the end

Anger at yourself for the

Time wasted

Lies believed

The way you accommodated their bullshit

Smiled through hurtful words

Because surely it wasn't intentional?

You scold yourself for being so stupid

For not seeing them for who they really are

Pretending this was something you are

Okay with

After everything has been said and done

After everything has been said and done

And your hurt turns into anger

And then tears and then a broken plate

On the floor from when you threw it

At the wall, screaming his name

After everything has been said and done

And the cut on your wrist heals

And the scar fades and you don't even remember

Why he left or that it

Even happened

After everything has been said and done

And he marries someone else

And they have three kids

Two boys and a girl

Like he always wanted, like you never did

After everything has been said and done

And his name and face never cross your mind

As memory is replaced by others

Who leave their own scars and broken plates

And let hurt turn into anger and then tears

After everything has been said and done

A dull ache in your heart remains

It sometimes travels to your throat and strangles words

Or moves down to your legs, making you trip and stumble

As you find your way in this world

Moving in and out of other people's lives

But never his

Premonition

I knew it was over between us

When you pulled away from that kiss

Way before it had to end 

You win, I don't care

This is not a game

But I think I'll let you have this

When you told me you were leaving

I had already packed my bags

Empty now, that shared space

No guilt or hurt

Regret or hope

I picture a stranger

Walking through that space

Finding signs of life

An unwashed mug in the sink

Leftovers in the fridge

The bed isn't made

The bathroom light is on

But my stuff is gone

So is yours

The stranger will always wonder

If we left together

But if not,

Who left first

Confession

Talking about you

So openly

Saying you are

The one person I still want to talk to

Felt almost like a confession

I'd like to know how you are

Whether you are happy

And if you ever wish you did things

A little differently back then

What would we talk about

If it was you I was having drinks with

And not her

Would we choke on silence

Or order another round?