If only

If only I could throw into the Mahaweli

The memory of you that still haunts me

Perhaps then I would know at least an ounce more happiness

And ounce less loneliness

Than I feel now

"Did you fall in love with me?"

Remember how you asked me this, so casually, over the phone

I told you you already knew the answer to the question

I can't remember how you responded but I've always felt guilty

You told me not to, but I went ahead and did it anyway

Now, I look back at what once was and realise that the blame is to be shared

I fell in love with you because I was an idiot

But I also fell for you because you made me

With your empty promises and sweet nothings

I pictured us falling madly in love with each other

But you, always the smart one, came prepared with armour and parachutes

I didn't see the need for protection so I fell face first

Down and down until I hit the ground

And those wounds, they still bleed

Love is a cliché

To love you

Is to wrap myself in

Barbed wire

And stand so still

I am barely breathing

To be loved by you

Is to be thrown into a pond

Only to realise

It is not a pond

But the raging ocean

To lose you

Is to have each strand of hair

On my body

Plucked off with tweezers

One by one

To leave you

Is to pull the trigger

Not knowing

Which chamber is

Loaded

Nothing changes

And so I turn 27

Nothing changes

Nothing magical happens

When the clock strikes 12

I'm the same fucking person

Living the same fucking life

It's the same fucking loneliness.