New year?

And so it ends

Like it began

Quietly

Unknown to us all

Like a breeze that does the waltz

Through an empty house

To be fair, you did warn me

The thought of losing you (prematurely)

Never made me feel this way

It never filled me with the sense of dread

I sometimes wake up with

Or swallow with my morning cup of tea

Or trap in a clenched fist

Or season my food with

The thought of losing you never occurred to me

Even though you told me right at the beginning

That you already had one foot out the door

there's no winning

The thing about finally getting your hands on something

You've always wanted

Is that you must now live with the constant fear

Of having to let go of that something

Together

In that moment when it felt like I had lost everything

You reminded me of him

And I'd hoped and prayed for that to never happen

But with just a few words

Suddenly, you were less like you and too much like him

The moment passed, of course it did

But that feeling, I still carry with me

I toss it from hand to hand

Throw it against a wall, hoping it would shatter

It remains intact

Childish

It's so childish this desire to be happy

To know what it is like

For today's happiness to overflow

Into tomorrow and the day after

For happiness to not be so tied to other people

And places and alcohol

I want to know what it is like

To wake up and feel no weight

Or dread

To just be.

It was never about you

It was never about you

All these years, wasted

Looking for a person

When it was the feeling I was after

Tender

And from him a tenderness

Unexpected

One you couldn't give me

In any of our shared moments

It takes me by surprise

For perhaps if your touch had been softer

Slower, kinder

Perhaps then I would have felt for you

In our many moments

What I felt in that one moment

With him

Firefly

The firefly in my room died last morning

Or at least I think it did

The previous night it flew around my room

Lighting up against the darkness of the night

The firefly even landed on my hand

A few seconds of rest

Before flying off again

When I awoke the next morning

I found it on the floor

Its little light kept blinking, as if

It was signaling for help

I picked it up and kept it on the windowsill

Thinking it needed sunshine and fresh air

The way we think dying plants with

Yellowed leaves and wilted stems

Need fresh air and sunshine

The way I thought you did

When those first signs of things not being right

Started appearing through the cracks in the landscape

Known as us

I left you outside to get some sunshine and fresh air

But when I came back to check on you

You were gone

And the firefly?

I never saw it again either

One last time

Maybe if we met one last time

Just for five minutes

And you said all the wrong words

And did all the wrong things

I'd realise I was no longer in love with you

plain jane

No one knows about the things that actually matter

The things you hold on to years after you've lost them

No one knew about you, even though we never tried to hide it

Years later, mutual friends are still surprised

Perhaps it was because we were such an unlikely couple

You were... well, you

And I was just plain old me

coconut

Crack my head open like a coconut if you must

Split it in half and reach in

Pull out the bits of my brain that don't do their job

Filling me up with anxiety and dread

Depression and sadness

Self-doubt and a fear of loss and

An inability to trust in the good things

Instead turning to constant worry about things going wrong

Don't bother with the psychoanalysis

It won't work

Just split my skull in two and

Pull out those bits of my brain that don't do their job

cordial

 

I turned around to see him walk towards us that night

When the sky was clear and the seas were calm

We smiled, said hello

He sat a few seats away from me

No one knew there was a shared history between us

I wouldn’t blame him if even he didn’t remember

Sometimes, I forget too

As the hours passed by and our bodies

Soaked up all that alcohol

We spoke more freely, laughing

Until he had to leave, but by then

I was too drunk to remember anything

 

I remember that night because while I was still only tipsy

I wondered what it would be like if it was you

Instead of him

The two of us in the same room, no one knowing what you

Once meant to me

 

Truth be told

I don’t think I could do it

Smile and say hello

Laugh over drinks

Pretend things between us

Are resolved

Today

Nothing matters today

The loneliness is packed in a box

Gathering dust on a cupboard

The unhappiness

Swept under a rug

The hurt, the pain I carry on my shoulders

Sit in a corner of the room

Today, I get to breathe

Inhale and exhale

Without the usual tightness in my chest

Today, I can speak without choking over

My words

I can smile without it

Masking how I truly feel

Today is the kind of day

I must hold on to

And remember

On days when the universe isn't

This kind

iridescent (part 2)

I don't remember you like I used to

Moments that were once treasured

Now forgotten

Like most things of the past

And people too

But there was this one day

When it rained from morn to eve

So gloomy and cold

A day of hot tea

And warmth like I've not known since

On this gloomy day

You wore uncharacteristically bright colours

And when we went outside

Against the dark grey sky

Was a rainbow

I look back to this day

And realise just how much happiness

And perhaps even love

I let fall through my fingers

Before the hopelessness sets in

Tell yourself a lie

Before the hopelessness sets in

Convince yourself that there is

Some truth to your words

These will anchor you

Help you keep your eyes on the shore

Even when the seas get rough

And skies cry and scream in agony

Tell yourself of the places you will visit someday

The man you will go on a date with

The drinks you will have with friends

Laughter, joy

A sense of belonging

Love

Tell yourself these lies

Before the hopelessness sets in

Before you find yourself

Staring at a wall for two hours

Feeling nothing

yclept (part 2)

The first thing I thought of when I saw yclept

-the word we are supposed to write or doodle about today-

Was you

But of course, I wouldn't dare

You only belong here, you see

What's funny is that as I sat down, thinking about you

Trying to come up with an idea that wasn't connected to you

Your name showed up on my laptop screen

And even though it was someone else with the same name as you

It made me laugh

The universe sure has a wicked sense of humour

This one's for you

They say you should never date a writer

(And I suppose, an artist or a singer)

Because you will find yourself in their work

 

Something you did or said

Will be done or said by a character in a story

And another will sit hunched over a book

Or smile after that first sip of hot tea in the evening

Sit under a mango tree with their eyes closed

Share a slice of cake in a quiet cafe

Just the way you once did

 

But this is not what you need to fear

Finding yourself in a hundred different works of fiction

I'd say is one of the perks of dating a writer

 

What you do need to fear is the documentation

Of the pain you left them with

The heartbreak, the rejection, the betrayal

The inability to love thereafter

Finding raw emotion in their work

And knowing you are responsible for it

 

Knowing others know you are too

For it's not difficult to put one and one together

When suddenly your pictures are taken off their social media

And their words take on a sad tone

 

Now that is what you should fear

About dating a writer

(And I suppose, an artist or a singer)

I'm so tired of this particular life

I'm so tired of this particular life

Whatever's good about it

I can't truly appreciate because I am consumed by a fear

Of losing it all

Of waking up one day and realising

None of those things had ever been mine

And whatever's bad about it?

Whatever's missing?

My mind uses it as ammo against me

You are useless because of that one thing you got wrong

No one will ever find you attractive. You are never enough

Pathetic really, that you still hope and yearn

I'm not looking for pity but...

Not being someone who others choose to be theirs

Isn't the worst part of it all

It is tough, true, but it is also possible to hide it beneath

Other kinds of love and wanting and needing

But to witness that game of noticing someone

Falling for them and fighting for them

That awful mating ritual us humans engage in

Watching everyone around you be a part of it

Falling for people, having people fall for them

All while you sit there, a mere observer,

Audience

But never participant

That, to me, is the toughest

Pandemic

The day you died, Aiya and I stood near the gate

Waiting for the ambulance

We heard the siren first, then saw flashing lights

And watched the ambulance go past our road

Before finding its way to our house

Where, in your room, on your bed, you were dying

That night, for a brief moment, I wondered if the neighbours already knew

But stayed indoors with the lights switched off because it was too soon

Hearing an ambulance was so rare back then, just a few years ago

I wanted to apologize for the noise

Who'd have thought that today, a few years later,

I'd wake up to the sound of sirens

I'd hear them while having breakfast

Or enjoying a glass of thambili

I'd go to bed, hearing the siren get louder and louder and then quieter and quieter

Who'd have thought that we'd hear them so often

They'd blend into the noises of the neighborhood;

Other vehicles, mobile vendors, music, birds

And when an ambulance drives down our road

And drives back a few minutes later

We now wonder if we'd get off with a bit of quarantine or isolation

Or if we'd wake up to find white flags fluttering in the wind

Arrack and coke

Maybe someday

We can sit across from each other

You sipping a cup of coffee

Not questioning my choice of beverage

At 11.30 in the morning

You tell me about your life

As I bite off half a french fry

You tell me about your wife

And kids

And I think about how I never stopped loving you

Looking for the yeti

I should have clicked on your profile

Snooped

Made sure you were living the life you told me

You wanted

I had a valid excuse

It was you who made your way into my life

With that one post on a group we are both apparently members of

But I resisted

I scrolled down, refreshed the page

Never searched for it again

Never searched for you

Maybe I was too afraid

Of finding out you got what you wanted

Expiry date

I read an old diary today

A diary from back when I knew you

I only mention you once or twice

In passing

Nothing that would stand out

If the reader didn't know what you mean(t) to me

Maybe it was because I was too shy, too scared

To share with any prying eyes what you gave me

Or maybe our moments together weren't significant

Because I didn't know back then they came with a

Date of expiration

Sad human

The saddest story would be that

I've lost all interest in life

The days pass and I wouldn't even notice

None of them matter

None of this matters

I almost found comfort

Control in pain

Last week

But I didn't go ahead with it

It wasn't worth the effort.

(This spent a few weeks in drafts)

Warnings

No one ever warns you about heartbreak

They tell you to talk to that boy

Fall in love with someone

Settle for whatever it is you get

But they never tell you about the heartbreak

You are left with after gambling with your life

After giving your heart to another

The kind of pain that is sometimes a deep gash on your side

And sometimes skin tightening around a healing wound

And, on a rare occasion, a mild discomfort that goes unnoticed

Cosmic dust

I love you the most

Because you don't give me a false sense of hope

That I am somehow worth noticing

In a room occupied by you

In a crowd,

You stand out like a queen

And I,

A few steps behind

Always a few steps behind

People notice you

Because like the sun

You outshine the rest

All the other stars, all the other planets

And I am nothing but

Cosmic dust

But there is no envy, only relief

You do not give me a false sense of hope

That just this once

Someone will notice me

Someone will choose me

And for that

I love you the most

beggars can't be choosers

They come back to you

Those ghastly and rather shameful things you did

Not even in the name of love

But for a brief moment of belonging

That fleeting feeling of having been chosen

To occupy a minuscule space in another's life

Breadcrumbs, really

But that is all some of us get

So that's what it's like to be happy

I had a dream of you last night

It so rarely happens but it was wonderful

We were together

Listening to music, talking

But there seemed to be this shared knowledge

That all we had was this one day

And so we chose to be unabashedly happy

Drown in it, let it consume us

I'd give up all my happy days

If I could have just one day of unconditional happiness with you

Lost and found

The thing about possessions that go missing

That are misplaced

Is that you never know for sure if you've

Lost them forever

Or if they'll turn up eventually

Forgotten under a stack of newspapers

Hidden between two cushions

So what should I do with you?

Write you off as lost and gone forever

Or hold on to the hope that what is lost can be found?

Boxes

You said you lived out of boxes as a kid

Being on the constant move

Made permanent storage for your possessions a luxury

And I couldn't quite understand it

How you could live like that

Because I've only ever lived in this one house

But now, you've made a home for yourself

With someone you love

Someone you buy cupboards and cabinets and shelves with

To store all those books and clothes and keepsakes

You've carried in boxes

All your life

And I've taken all my emotions and needs and desires

Wrapped them carefully in bubble wrap

Filling the spaces with foam peanuts

Packed them in boxes of varying sizes

Sealed and labelled and put away

So they no longer clutter my life and make me yearn for what you have

And I don't

Yeti sightings

The sightings may be rare but they do happen

Such a disbeliever, I was, until today

After years of unconsciously looking for you

On the street, in the train, at restaurants

I never thought I would come across your name

But there you were, on Facebook

Who would have thought

Unexpected but underwhelming

A yeti would have been better

To be honest

Waffles

By the time I get to bed and sit in front of the laptop

Unpause the episode of Grace and Frankie I was watching

The butter had melted and formed small golden pools in the

Waffles I made for dinner

And between picking one up and taking a bite

It hits me that I will be lonely, alone for the rest of my life

It's moments like these that I dread the most

Everything seems as good as they will ever get

And then the universe throws a curveball at you

And nothing seems right anymore

Mosquito

There are four mosquitoes inside the mosquito net

Their little bodies heavy, they struggle to fly

Blood, so red against the sunlight

My blood

I clap my hands around them

Blood staining my hands

My blood

What's the point of having your guard up

Building walls around you

If the enemy is already inside

The thief returns

You, the thief,

Return

To take what is mine 

So fucking blind 

To see what it does to me 

But I don't have a fight left in me

So here

Have it all 

What little there is left

Take it and leave me alone

Today we write soppy poems

I don't know if it's because the blues have been bluer

And I've been feeling lonelier than usual

Or if it's because I've been wondering if we should have

Given each other a bit more time

But the songs on the radio remind me of you today

A voice I heard on the street reminds me of you today

The way the clouds look up in the sky, this godawful April heat

A movie ticket from years ago, the colour of my bedroom walls

Everything reminds me of you today

And how I wish

I could love and be loved by you

Today is for missing you

Today is for wishing for the unattainable

And today is for soppy poems.

Disintegrating

I feel like I'm coming undone 

Everything I am is slowly turning into 

Nothing 

I forget how to talk to people 

Responding instead with a word or two 

Touch feels alien, your hand 

Accidentally brushing against mine felt so strange 

People who were constants, strangers now 

I don't know how to love them 

I look at myself in the mirror and wonder 

Who this woman is, staring back 

I don't recognize her 

I don't recognize myself

Love.

Do people our age fall in love?

Or do we outgrow it like we outgrow clothes?

Do we look at comfort and safety and trust and attraction and kindness

And mistake it for love?

Or are these just close enough alternatives

Like vinegar instead of lemon juice and honey instead of sugar?

Does it matter as long as it seems to get the job done?

Things I will never forgive you for

There's a lot you may think I will never forgive you for

But in truth none of them matter

There's one thing and one thing only

That I will never get past

You made the rest of the room disappear

When you walked in and looked at me

For those few moments

It was just you and me

No one else existed

They disappeared into the walls

And since then, no one has looked at me like that

No one has made me feel like the only other person in the room

They barely notice when I am in the room

You showed me what it could be like

And I can never forgive you for it

Love

And as undeserving as you think you are

You do end up getting more than you

Ever thought you would

It just takes a while to realise

Not because they don't love you enough

Because they do

But because it's too good to be true

And you are so damn afraid that

If you accept it, if you embrace it,

If you get used to having so much love in your life

That you would lose it all

That they would leave

But you know they are here to stay because

They don't give up on you

They don't walk away

Just when you think you've lost them like countless others

They take your hand in theirs and

Walk with you

Days like this

And on some days

It is as hard to speak

As it is to place myself

Somewhere in the future

As near as three years

And as far as a decade

On some days

There is no future

And there are no words

There is only the struggle of

Taking it one breath at a time

Love

When I was thirteen, I dismissed the reflection of a gawky kid in the mirror

And told myself that as soon as I turned sixteen

I would be swept off my feet by some boy

When I was fifteen, I told this boy I had a massive crush on that I liked him

And he told me he didn't feel the same way but it didn't matter

Because I stopped liking him a few months later

I turned sixteen and was that an uneventful year

There was no boy who would sweep me off my feet

Not when I was sixteen, not when I was seventeen and not when I was eighteen

But nineteen held a lot of hope and I did get swept off my feet

Only to learn that adult relationships are complicated

And nothing like the fairytales

I nursed my broken heart for the next few years

Slowly realising, or perhaps, slowly accepting that

I would never have this Hollywoodesque romance

Today I had a glimpse of what my future holds

What I would be like when I'm forty or fifty

And it dawned on me that some of us never get their love story

So I will watch as my friends fall in and out of love

I will talk to people I never see again

And I will learn to live with the kind of loneliness some of us take with us to our graves

Panthera

Perhaps I do have a type

This one kind of person I gravitate towards

And then run away from

But if we are being honest

I'm clutching at straws here

You two aren't alike

If only

If only I could throw into the Mahaweli

The memory of you that still haunts me

Perhaps then I would know at least an ounce more happiness

And ounce less loneliness

Than I feel now

"Did you fall in love with me?"

Remember how you asked me this, so casually, over the phone

I told you you already knew the answer to the question

I can't remember how you responded but I've always felt guilty

You told me not to, but I went ahead and did it anyway

Now, I look back at what once was and realise that the blame is to be shared

I fell in love with you because I was an idiot

But I also fell for you because you made me

With your empty promises and sweet nothings

I pictured us falling madly in love with each other

But you, always the smart one, came prepared with armour and parachutes

I didn't see the need for protection so I fell face first

Down and down until I hit the ground

And those wounds, they still bleed

Love is a cliché

To love you

Is to wrap myself in

Barbed wire

And stand so still

I am barely breathing

To be loved by you

Is to be thrown into a pond

Only to realise

It is not a pond

But the raging ocean

To lose you

Is to have each strand of hair

On my body

Plucked off with tweezers

One by one

To leave you

Is to pull the trigger

Not knowing

Which chamber is

Loaded

Nothing changes

And so I turn 27

Nothing changes

Nothing magical happens

When the clock strikes 12

I'm the same fucking person

Living the same fucking life

It's the same fucking loneliness.