I remembered you with anger
I convinced myself that you were
Cruel and evil
It was easier that way
But now I remember you
The real you
Kind and sweet and caring
Attentive and patient and lovely
You were wonderful and
You gave me something wonderful
But I was too young to let go
Of you, of our time together
And so I dressed you in wolf skin
I called you names, I hated you
I hurt you.
I always thought this anger and hurt
Unhappiness and tiredness
Were a recent addition to my life
But today, I read a diary from 2012
And there was so much hurt and anger
Tiredness and unhappiness in it
And fragments of memory came to me
As I flipped through the pages
It surprised me that I had forgotten
At the same time, I couldn't help but wonder
If nine years from now, if by 2029,
I would have forgotten all about the present
What if it's not too late
What if
What if there is still time?
I cried thrice today
Well, twice in bed so they count as one incident
I don't know why I cried but
One minute I was fine, the next I wasn't
(we are simply going to ignore the fact that
you've been on my mind lately. a lot.)
Another was when I typed the last word for the day
And pressed send on that email
Something came over me, a wave of relief and sorrow and exhaustion
And the third time was in the kitchen
While I was cutting onions for dinner
I stood there, head raised towards heaven
Blinking out tears, my eyes were burning
I cursed this bloody root vegetable
Or whatever the hell an onion is
I cursed my weak eyes
The dull knife
I cursed myself
And I cursed you.
Just once, I want someone
To take me out for dinner
Wine under the stars
I want to feel like I'm not invisible
That someone has seen me
Noticed me
Decided that I am the one they want to
Spend the evening with
I want them to give me hope
Of love and affection and lust
Even if they then crumble that hope
Like it's nothing but a biscuit
No one cares for
I would choose that pain in a heartbeat
If it came wrapped in joy
