Expectations

My mantra is simple
Zero expectations lead to zero disappointment
Easier said than done
But once you get the hang of it
You lower your expectations
Just so you can avoid disappointment
And so life goes on
And mine did
I found it easy to expect nothing from people
And I found that in fact
I was disappointed far less than I used to be
But then
Something went wrong somewhere
And I started applying this to myself
I had zero expectations of myself
Just so I would never disappoint myself
And now
Here I am
Without even an ounce of confidence
Self-esteem
It's all gone
Washed away with
All those expectations I once had of myself
And I want to be crushed
Torn
That I am crippled by self-doubt
But how can I be disappointed
When I had no expectations?

Cocoon

I no longer trust walls

Made of brick and cement

To keep me safe

To keep you out of my life

Along with everyone else

Because I did build walls

Watched as they collapsed to the ground

Only to build them again

And again

Until I realized that walls

They weren’t as strong as they looked

I felt defenseless

Vulnerable

Behind those walls that

So easily crumbled to the ground

Like they were nothing but walls of a

Gingerbread house

And so I threw away all those bricks and cement

I don’t need them anymore

For you’ll see that now

I’m hidden in a cocoon

Sure, it looks fragile

But you’ll need more energy than you think

To tear it apart and

Expose me to the world outside

And each time I have to weave myself

A new cocoon

It will only be stronger than the others

More layers so the sunlight doesn’t burn my eyes

More layers so you can’t tear it apart as easily

As you broke down each wall I put up

And it will be woven so tightly around me

Leaving no loom for air

For me

And slowly

With each new cocoon I must weave for myself

It will be a tighter and tighter fit

Until

Snap!

My bones break in two

Like dry twigs

Beneath careless feet

Snap!

Snap!

Snap!

Until I am nothing at all

And your hands then

Will be stained

For you broke the cocoon

Knowing what each rebuild

Would do to me

You made my bones snap

You

With hands stained with

Butterfly dust

Charcoal

I struggled for months
in search of a word
that perfectly describes you
but I have it now
it came to me so unexpectedly
just like you did
in what feels like a
whole other lifetime

Charcoal
that's the one word that describes you perfectly

For you are what remains
when the fire dies down
just like the love that remains
once lust is extinguished

And like charcoal
you leave behind traces
of your presence
you turned me into the color of ebony once upon a time
remember?
and even now
I find traces of black dust
under fingernails, toenails
reminding me
of you

And most of all
despite all that happened
you are too pure to be white
so easily dirtied
for black fights back
holds on to its blackness
blemished so rarely
just like you
too good to be
tarnished
like anything white
that so easily loses its whiteness

And so charcoal
that's the one word
that so perfectly describes
who you are

Told you so

What's funny about all that happened
All those months ago
Is that it could have all been avoided
I never wanted any of it anyway
Forget love
Forget relationships
I didn't even want to be your friend
I just didn't like you
I didn't trust you
Not one bit
I had a bad feeling about you
But I put all of these thoughts aside
When you forced your way into my life
And I ignored all those warning signs
Because for the first time in a very long time
I felt happy
I belonged to someone
And that seemed to be enough
But it wasn't, for you
And so I was helpless
When you forced your way out of my life
Leaving me with longing
Loss, grief
Even love
And most of all
Deafened by the voices in my head
Screaming
We told you so

Fear

She isn't alone
Her friend walks beside her
They turn to the street
At the bottom of which
Their destination is
And they stop for a second
Hearts beating faster
For the streetlights
So few, are too dim to light up the road
And then they hear the voice of a man
Fear for their lives
For although
Dressed modestly
Sober
And everything else
That society promises
Is a protective shield
They are afraid
Of the unlit road
And the presence of a man

She pretends she's not bothered
By what they have to say
About the way her hair is
The way she walks
She pretends to not hear them
Even thought her fist is clenched tightly
Her jaws grinding
To keep her anger at bay
And then she feels something brush against her
And her body goes cold
Is it one of them
She wonders
Too afraid to check
Their voices in a distance
Tell her she's safe
And yet her legs feel like jelly
Her lungs gasping for air

She holds his arm tightly
Tries to steady him
But he's too heavy for her to
Walk to the car
She is afraid he’ll lose his balance
Trip and fall to the ground
But most of all, she’s afraid of
What he can do to her
And so when they get back home
And her father staggers to his room
She goes straight to her own and
Locks the bedroom door
And all that night she cannot sleep
Too afraid to make any noise
Afraid that even the smallest noise
Could earn her beating or something much worse

She’s seated in a bus back home
When he sits next to her
And as his elbow touches her hip
She shudders quite a bit
He’s just reaching for his wallet
But she can’t help but fear
He is just another pervert
Hungry for female flesh
And when he spreads his legs slightly
Gets more comfortable
She clutches on to her bag tightly
Wonders what she could do
And until he gets up
Goes to the front of the bus
And then gets down at his halt
It is only then that she can
Relax just a bit

She lives her whole life in fear
Even though she shouldn’t
But such is life, it’s all your fault, men will be men
Society never fails to say